Heaven's Wish
by Midori Kou
Summary: Ken struggles through junior high and preparation for the high school entrance exams. As things become more stressful for him, he turns to someone who suffers from the expectations of others. Takeken suggested. **NEW** CHAPTER 13 UP! R
1. Memory 01: Within My Reach

**[Heaven's Wish]**  
_Memory 01 - Within My Reach_  
_revised March 16, 2003_

_My dreams are nothing but darkness  
I see nothing I am alone  
Is this what I want?  
Is this what I wish for?  
What is my future in this pitch, black void?  
I don't know I don't know  
Please God, tell me  
Is there someone to guide me to the light?  
An angel who will be there besides me forever?_

Ken Ichijouji tapped his pencil on his desktop as the lead chipped off with every percussionist rhythm. A deep groove appeared on the wooden work area by his stressful grip. His amethyst eyes shimmered by the sunlight entering his room as they gazed at the damage tabletop. Delicately, his fingers caressed the rough texture of the tampered table, feeling the uneven levels of the wood. Dry sharp unbalance He somewhat fascinated by it in a strange way.

The short hair boy sighed as his eyes shifted their attention to the outside world. The warm colors of the sky devoured the depressing mood that was clinching onto his heart. It was lively and beautiful, but instead of absorbing the sweetness of life, here he was, enclosed by the four walls of his room. Locked in by responsibility and earning success, the Bearer of Kindness hated his refine life. Sure he was well-known, smart and able to do anything in the world, but to maintain that reputation was impossible.

From the very moment the Dark Seed lost its power over him, he was no longer a prodigy child but an ordinary boy, trying to live up to the expectations of the world. That person was no longer him and yet people still believe so. Was this the curse of the Dark Seed? Despite the fact he was able to overcome the darkness, it still exists in his lifeIn his sorrow and struggles.

Ken clinched his teeth furiously as the pencil snapped in half in his hands. Gasping in surprised, the short hair boy dropped the fractured pieces onto the tabletop and dragged to his chair away from his desk. He raised his hand that gripped the writing utensil and stared at it aimlessly. His hand was shaking, unable to maintain its calm. Slouching over, his violet starlit eyes observed the warm daylight sky turning into dusk. Sighing, he leaned his head back to stare at the ceiling as his hand reached to grasp the air. _Nothing Nothing is within my reach_

A knock woke him from his puzzling thoughts as his mother carefully entered his room, hoping she did not interrupt his studies. Kindly in a gentle tone, she asked motherly, "Ken-kun, it's time to eat, dear"

The Bearer of Kindness eyed her and forcefully smiled back in response. "I'll be right there, Oka-san."

Worried, she lowered her gaze and slipped out of his bedroom without saying another word. Mr. Ichijouji caught her leaving their son's room, questioning her mood. "Sayako Is something the matter?" he inquired with a comforting voice. The light skin woman shook her head and headed to the kitchen silently. Her male counterpart was reluctant to leave it at that and she knew perfectly what he was intending to do - continue to ask until she would talk to him.  
Talking in a deep breath, Mrs. Ichijouji replied, "There's nothing wrong at all, Katsuya"

"But you look a bit worried."

"I'm worried about Ken"

Mr. Ichijouji raised his eyebrow and analyzed her face. She appeared drained and upset, but what could allow her to feel that way? "What about him?" he asked cautiously.

"He hadn't been out for a while. It had me worried for quite some time."

"Now, that you had mentioned it, I hadn't seen him hanging out with his friends for this entire week. He had been cooped up in his room, focusing on his studies 24/7."

"Takeru-kun called earlier, wondering what was wrong with him on behalf of all his friends If he was sick or if anything worse He even stopped by today, wanting to check on him As much as I encourage studying, he had been neglecting his social life."

"Maybe we should have a talk with him?"

Mrs. Ichijouji shook her head, rejecting his proposed idea. "I don't think that'll be enough though. Even if we tell him, he may just feel the same way I wonder why he's forcing himself to still be the ideal genius"

****

Takeru walked down the sidewalk with his hands dug into his pockets. Last night's sleep was restless. He could not stop worrying about About practically everything. The flood of thoughts filling his mind enveloped his quiet night His mother was out, working late and hadn't came back until this morning. She was managing for the both of them and he hated being such a burden to her. He wished that he could do something about it, but he just didn't have the ability to do so.

He was weak. He knew that, but everybody thought of him as the most capable person who could do anything if he put his mind to it. The truth is he can't do everything, even if he wanted to. He was confined in a child's body, wanting to break out into the world of adulthood. Dreaming and wanting were two different things and he was far beyond from what he desires. _If only you could If only you could_ His consciousness reminded him as continued walking in the direction of Odaiba Junior High.

"Takeru-kun!" a high-pitch voice cried out behind him. Casually, the blond teen turned around, searching for who had called his name. Approaching him was a girl with long chestnut hair with strands of braids tied with pink ribbons. She waved to him and he grinned in return. "Ohaiyo, Takeru-kun," she said as she joined him.

"Hikari-chan, you seem awfully happy and energetic today," he replied as he smiled.

"Yep, absolutely!" she cheered. "And do you know why?" She elbowed him on his side softly as a kind gesture. Takeru rolled his eyes and looked to the side. His face became flushed with red as he cleared his throat.

"It's my birthday"

Nodding her head, she viewed the golden haired boy face to face. "Which means there's going to be a surprise," she giggled.

"A surprise?" Takeru asked out of confusion. "But you never gave me a 'surprise' birthday. I always asked you what I wanted and you got it."

"But today's special!" Hikari exclaimed. "You're sixteen now!"

"So are you," he uttered in a dragged out tone.

"Yeah, but by next spring, we'll be in high school," the chestnut hair girl mumbled.

"Yeah, next spring"

"Takeru-kun?" The Child of Light asked with concern. "Is something wrong?"

The blond teenage boy shrugged her question off his mind and walked away from her silently. Leaving her to trail behind him, he hurried as much as his feet would allow him to, distancing himself from the chestnut hair girl. He didn't want to deal with questions for others. What he felt was none of anybody's concern but his own. Nobody had ever wondered how he was as often as everyone else. As far as he knew, he was the last person on the list to be cared about. As class president, no one ever thought he could suffer or bear any problems.

But he was human like them and yet his fellow classmates believed he was superior. His status was a lie. He was not as strong as people would expect him to be. Sure, he can beat anyone at basketball or score the highest grade on the exam, but appearing this way was much different. As much as he loved to play basketball, he never wanted to become team captain. As much as he loved to learn, he never dreamt of becoming an overachiever. People wanted him to and he did so to make others accept him For others to accept Takeru Takaishi who bears a phantom glass mask.

His character was fragile but very elusive. No one knew what he was capable of, let alone understood his emotions. The two-sided demon possessed The Child of Hope all his life and yet no one could see the merciless beast covering his eyes and choking his air to breathe. They allowed the blond teenager to suffer. All they could do was to stare and eye him as his freedom died by the hands of the demon.

To be confined by expectations To be looked upon as a role model He did not want any of it. He wanted to escape his barred cage and fly freely as God intended him to. If only the people would let him

"Takeru-kun! Takeru-kun~!!" Hikari chased him and blocked his path. With her arms extended out, her copper red eyes stared at him angrily. Takeru tried to not pay any attention to the chestnut haired girl, but she was as stubborn as he was. Sighing tirelessly, he shot a stern look at her.

"Please get out of my way, Hikari-chan. We'll be late if you continue this," he uttered.

"Forget it, Takeru! I won't let you off the hook until you tell me what's going on?"

"There's nothing bother me Now can we please go?"

"You're lying!"

"Look I don't have time for this."

"Then just tell me! Just tell me what the heck is going on? You seemed bothered and I want to know how I can help!"

"Well, you can't, all right! You can't help me. No one can J-Just leave me alone Just leave me alone, Hikari-chan Please I want to be alone"

"Takeru-kun" Her eyes were in enormous shock by his response. Never in a million years would she hear the golden haired boy asked to be left alone. Even when he felt depressed, Takeru would ask for some company to soothe his pain._ But why Why are you refusing my help now, Takeru? What's different?_

Coldly, The Child of Hope turned away from the chestnut hair girl and continued to head towards school, alone _I don't want anybody's help. I just need some space to figure things out, Hikari-chan. Please understand that_

****

The Bearer of Kindness entered his homeroom, tired and drained. It was finally the last class of the day and all he needs to do is rest his mind. Sure, it was a free study period, but why in the world would he study when that is all he do at home. With his entrance exams hanging in the balance, Ken really had hoped to spend time with his closest friends. But with his grades dropping immensely, this was no time to flake off.

Setting his bag onto the side of this desk, he pulled out his notebook out of the leather slip and opened to the middle of its pages. There lying in between was a light green envelope with a metallic silver star sticker on the flap. Gently he picked it up and observed it. It still was sealed and hadn't been opened. On the front, it had his name written in silver gel ink.

As he carefully opened the envelope, Ken pulled out a small card bound with a golden ribbon. Slipping the ribbon off, he read the card.

_Ichijouji-kun,  
You are coordinately invited to Takeru's 16th birthday party, also known as Operation Surprise Special. The party is to begin at 6:00 PM, after Takeru's tournament game. It'll be held at Yamato-san's apartment and all you need to do is bring yourself. If you want to get Takeru, make sure it's nothing sporty. We kinda over did the whole sport theme for the last few years so try to get something more meaningful than another basketball, sweatbands, or hats. I think Takeru has a lot of those now because of us. ^^; So try to make it if you can. If not, just give us a little buzz during the party to wish Takeru a happy birthday. Hope to see you there! ^_^_

_Your friendly party coordinator,  
Hikari Yagami_

The short hair boy's lips parted as he read the note in the card. Sighing, he placed the card into his breast pocket and laid his head onto his desk. As he stared at the passing clouds through the window, he slowly closed his eyes and allowed his thoughts to absorb his mind. _Takeru's birthday would be today, if I'm not mistaken. I've been so out of the loop lately I wonder if they really want me there. I hadn't been much of a friend latelyBut my mother did say they were worried about meMaybe I should go before it's entrance exam fever. It'll be nice to talk to someone about my problems while I'm there_

****

The Bearer of Hope gulped down an entire can of Pokari Sweat after the game as he threw his towel over his shoulder. His teammates cheered for their victory and praised him for another win in the junior high basketball tournament. He gently smiled in response and turned away, packing his belongings into his gym bag. Suddenly someone slapped his back, sending his head slamming into the locker.

Furious, he rubbed his fingers over his temple and quickly turned around to see who had offended him. There, standing before him was Daisuke Motomiya in his soccer jersey, covered with grass stains and dirt. With a friendly grin, he boasted, "Another win for Odaiba Junior High's soccer team!"

"And another win for Odaiba's basketball team," the blond grumbled. As much as Takeru loved the taste of victory, he was annoyed by Daisuke's tremendous ego. For his sanity, the golden hair boy had to play along.

"So that still leaves us in second place in the Japan Junior Tournaments if Kaishou wins today as well"

"Yeah" As Takeru changed out of his basketball jersey, Daisuke headed to his locker to grab his clothes, following the blond's lead.

"So Takaishi"

"Hmm?"

"Got any plans today?"

"Well, I'm supposed to head to my brother's apartment today since my mother is holding a private interview at our home."

"I'm guessing that'll make our group study delayed then."

"Pretty much," he answered as he slipped on his windbreaker jacket over his white shirt. "Well, I'm heading out. _Ja ne_"

As Takeru exited the boys' locker room, Daisuke pulled out his cell phone from his pile of clothes and flipped it open. Placing the phone against his ear, the spiked hair boy speed dialed by a press of a button. "Hey, Hikari-chan! Boy Wonder has left the building and is heading your way as planned."

"_Good. Initiate plan number 2 and quickly get yourself ready, Daisuke-kun! I doubt Yamato-san would be happy to see clumps of dirt all over the apartment._"

"Yes, ma'am! Will do! Motomiya Daisuke, over and out!" Shutting off his cell phone, the spiked hair boy rapidly stripped his jersey off and changed into his school uniform. Rustling through his belongings, he quickly dashed out of the locker room and proceeded with his next mission of Operation Surprise Special.

****

As Takeru walked down the route to his father and brother's apartment, the blond observed the sights around him. The people The stores They were ever so alive than ever. With the winter season approaching, business has been booming. Everybody was moving and working, including his mother. She had been so careful around him lately, but he didn't know why. It was not because of his birthday, definitely not. It was something he could place his finger on. If only he knew

Strolling pass his former school, Odaiba Elementary, Takeru faced the opposite end of the street where the ocean lie. The waves rolled in a rhythm, washing in and eroding the sand. But that alone did not mesmerize him to draw his attention away from heading home. There standing on the other end of the street was a teenage boy about his age in a black private school uniform. He was staring towards the direction of the ocean. Apparently, the boy did not feel his presence until a speeding car rushed pass them.

Slowly, the boy turned around as his shoulder-length hair swayed freely in the air. Takeru's lips parted as he uttered his name under his breath. "Ichijouji-kun"

"Yeah It's me"

"It's been a while," The blond remarked as he crossed the street to join him.

"I've been busy with my studies," Ken replied. 

"So what brings you out here?"

"Nothing Just needed to calm myself"

"Stressed?"

_You're listening to me?_

"A bit"

"Is it because of your studies?"

_Do you understand meWhat I'm going through?_

"Yeah, because of entrance exams and such."

"It seems to be the same uneasy feeling all of us are having lately," the blond said as he viewed the beauty of the sky.

"Do you feel stressed?"

_Yeah, because of everyone's damn expectations!_

"No After a while, you get use to it," he lied.

"I see"

"So are you planning to stay here any longer?"

_Please talk to me moreI need someone to tell my problems to!_

"Yeah, pretty much"

"Well, plan not to stay here long or you'll catch a cold."

_Please stay here! Stay here to hear me and comfort me! Tell me what should I do?!_

"You're leaving?"

"Yeah, have to be at my brother's apartment before he beats the crap out of me."

"Better not keep him waiting."

"Yeah Well, I guess I'll see you later then."

_Don't leave me_

"Yeah, later then"

As the blond was about to depart from the short hair boy, Ken quickly grasped his body close to his and buried his face upon his back. Takeru's eyes widen in response as he felt the sudden warmth of the other teenager bleeding through his flesh. Looking over his shoulder, The Child of Hope eyed him. "Ichijouji"

**END OF CHAPTER ONE**

  
**Author's Notes:**  
Okay, I may get flames for this coupling, but I don't care. XD Ok ok Well originally I was going to write a Takari fic, but seeing how many people write that coupling and in my other series,_ Rebirth of Destiny_, I had already planned out Takeru and Hikari to be hooked up. Now if only I'm already writing that series. I'm still writing the first series, _Darkness and Light_ So it may take a while.

Anyhoo, what a way to start this series. Takeru and Ken, two peeps with so many issues that nobody knows about and they act really damn depressed about it. That's life for you. Yeah, it's one of those ordinary life ficcies. Don't expect any Digimon to pop up. They will be perhaps mentioned or if they're lucky, they'll be slapped in the background. XD Oh and by the way, readers Hikari is hooked up with Daisuke in this scenario, not to be mistaken to be Takeru. Takeru's single. :P The first names of Ken's parents were made up since their full names were never stated in the series. ^^; The drink Takeru chugs down in the locker room is Pokari Sweat, which is the Japanese equivalent to Gatorade or Powerade with less flavoring. @_@ It's not something you want to drink on a daily basis. XD The school Daisuke mentioned does not exist. If it did, I'll be scared. X_X I'm sure most of you know the Japanese references so I'm not going to mention them. If you don't know it, look it up.

Well see you next chapter, readers and please review. More reviews mean the more I am driven to write more!  



	2. Memory 02: A Gift for You

**[Heaven's Wish]**  
_Memory 02 - A Gift For You_  
_revised March 16, 2003_

  
_What's this warm feeling embracing me?  
Why do hold me so dear?  
Do I mean something to you?  
Or do you need me instead?  
Do you suffer like I do? Do you feel lonely?  
Are we the same - taking life by the same approach?  
I want to know I want to know what you think.  
Tell me that I'm hallucinating  
Tell me that you are not like me_.

With his bag dangling on his side, Takeru breathed heavily as his mind was filled with such random questions. The touch of the short boy's fingers gripping his loose shirt It was so heartbreaking. These fingers shivered and couldn't hold on tightly to his clothing. These gentle fingers were able to show the fear that engulfed the Bearer of Kindness. He never knew such pain had existed in him. It did not relate to his past, for he knew Ken had overcome it. What could it be? What could trouble such a boy?

Closing his eyes, he sighed as he placed his tender hand over Ken's. Calmly, he caressed the tense fingers that had held him close to the short hair teenager. His fingers fluttered over his skin as they slid under the short hair boy's hand. The Bearerof Kindness gasped to his surprise by Takeru's response of his careless action. His eyes widen as the blond angel slowly slipped his hands off of his shirt.

Pulling himself away from the golden hair boy, Ken forcefully looked away from Takeru. His indigo starry eyes searched the ground to an excuse for his rude behavior. To act in such a senseless way was unlike him. He had unconsciously approached the boy in an absurd manner that he would not have thought he was capable of. Was he so desperately in need of company that he had sought a male companion to receive it? Not only that, he chose someone who he did not talked to as much as his best friend, Daisuke Motomiya. Why did he decide to talk to Takeru so suddenly? They never had an actual conversation as far as he knew. They have a mutual friendship and nothing more.

Confused about the situation, the short hair boy had uttered nothing in return as he stared at the back of the Bearer of Hope. The blond did not move nor mentioned what he did as of the moment. He just stood there, silent and calm. Has he found him disgusting to look at? Was he offended? Was he upset? Ken really didn't know what to expect from the teen, but as the short hair was about to ask him, he heard Takeru sighed restlessly.

"What's wrong, Ichijouji-kun?" he questioned in a flat tone. It was a voice he had never knew of. It was neither hateful nor caring, but neutral. Did he sympathize for him? Was there empathy in his voice?

"What?" Ken awoke from his thoughts. "What do you mean?"

At the corner of his eye, Takeru noticed how his body immediately became tensed by his quick reply. He raised his eyebrow and faced the short hair boy. At that moment, the Bearer of Kindness stiffened as he was well aware of the blond's expression across his face. His midnight cerulean eyes gazed at the Bearer of Kindness with little emotion in them and his soft lips tightened. The golden hair boy was expecting a response that he could accept. Ken could clearly see that. But what could he possibly say to him? What words could he use in this type of situation?

The Bearer of Hope rubbed his temple, trying to determine the meaning behind his immediate grasp. As his lips parted, he uttered, "You must be awfully stressed than I thought to pull a stunt like that," Takeru replied coldly.

"What do you mean?" he inquired innocently as he chuckled forcefully.

"I had read up in a psychology book that humans need physical needs like touch to allow them to have any indication of love... The hierarchy of needs, that's what it was called."

"Any indication of love? What do you mean by that?"

"Any type of love Friendship love, motherly love, you know."

"Oh Is that it?"

"But to grab onto me like that? You must really lack your needs."

Was that it? Was it because he had a psychological problem that he did not know of? It did not occurred to him that it was quite likely he was suffering from acute depression or something of the matter. Now that the Bearer of Hope had mentioned it, Ken was flustered by this theory of his condition. If this teenager could easily conclude with this reasonable idea, why can't he accept it? Something his heart had urged him to reject it. If it was not depression, then what was it?

"Do you really think it's possible that I have acute depression?" Ken asked out loud. As he noticed that the words had escaped his mouth, Takeru's sapphire eyes widen.

"Acute depression?" The blond teen laughed freely.

The short hair boy blinked in response. _It's peculiar to burst out laughing about a serious matter_, Ken thought.

"Nah, everyone suffers from acute depression and that's a fact."

"Did you read that in a book?" the Child of Kindness teased.

"Not really" Takeru said and had left it at that. "Anyway, I gotta head home."

The blond teenager smiled gently to the short hair boy, a smile he truly could recognize and call normal. It was strange how this simple blond could confuse him so. Even as the Digimon Kaiser, he was unable to prove a valid explanation for his behavior. His mysterious curved lips Were they suitable for a boy with another hidden personality? Were they appropriate for the elusive hateful demon buried deep in the Child of Hope?

As Takeru gradually left him standing alone in the night, Ken paused as he cleared his throat, audible for the golden haired boy to hear. The blond turned around once more, wondering why he is delaying his trip home. Takeru blinked as he awaited his voice to respond.

"Let me go with you," the short hair teenager replied softly. His shyness was quite obvious for the Bearer of Hope to notice. His amethyst eyes were shifty as he couldn't keep himself still. Fidgeting, Ken tried not to gaze at him directly.

"Why? It's pretty late. You should go home to get some rest," Takeru suggested, adjusting his gym bag so it would not feel uncomfortable.

"Well, I think I should walk home with you."

"Why?"

"Just because," the short hair boy simply said.

"Just because of what?" The Bearer of Hope shot back blankly. His pestering questions were as persistent as a child's curiosity that will not stop until all one's attention was focused on him. Only then, the child would finally receive the answers they want.

Sighing, Ken felt frustrated about how to explain the situation without spilling the secret behind the situation._ I can't just tell him that I want to follow him unless I told him about his surprised birthday party. I can't ruin his day, but I can't just leave my answer like this. It's so awkward! It's like I'm some obsessive stalker with the words I used. What have I gotten myself into?_

"Well, just out of courtesy, you're welcome to do so," Takeru finally said. "Since you live further away and the train station near my father and brother's apartment anyway, then sure."

The Bearer of Kindness was filled with glee by the blond's false understanding. At that moment, this unknown feeling that dwelled in his heart arose again. What was it? Why couldn't he understand it? It was so abstract that he couldn't put it into words. It was strange. Why did he felt this way? Why only around to this angel? What made him different compared to everyone else? This alone he could not comprehend.

It was the same emotions that overwhelmed his mind when the Bearer of Hope was about leave. Was there more to him than he thought? Could it be possible that this boy is what he needed in his life?

Biting his lips, Ken ignored his curiosity about the blond and walked silently beside him. _Just forget it Just forget it for now, _he told himself._ Just put it in the back of your mind and figure it out later. There has to be some actual explanation. There has to be!_

****

After a long, quiet stroll, the two teenage boys finally reached the apartment building of the Ishida residence. At the entrance door, Takeru stood silently as the dark hair boy was further away from the blond. The blond's ocean blue eyes stared at the short haired boy which felt like eternity. These eyes had focused on him and only him. The Bearer of Hope had ignored his surroundings and could only see this slim person standing before him.

His lips twitched as he realized that he was drawn in by this boy. Shaking his head, he managed to snap out of his trance. _What was that just now? Was I staring at him for no apparent reason? What's going on with me? Why do I feel there is an invisible thread connecting me and Ichijouji-kun? What does it mean? What does it all mean? I don't understand It's strange and disturbing. I wish it would just disappear_

Feeling his heart throb, Ken breathed deeply, releasing his tension he received from the blond. Those eyes of his made his body feel numb and paralyzed. For some reason, he did not want to escape them. They welcomed him, those warm, comforting eyes. Strange, how the Takeru's emotions contradicted the feeling the short haired boy indulged by seeing him. While Ken gained security, the Bearer of Hope received the exact opposite.

Looking away from the raven haired boy, the golden hair teen allowed his back to face the Bearer of Kindness once again. But the words that left the blond were surprising to Ken's ears. "Are you coming?" he uttered.

_Is he inviting me? How come? Do I deserve to be there? Do you really want me there? But why? You acted so differently earlier. What kind of person are you? How many different personalities do you have? Which one is the true Takeru?_

The blond raised his eyebrow as he expected the short haired boy to enter the apartment structure. Pushing the door open, he stood in between the doorway as the Bearer of Kindness did not waver from his position. His violet eyes were full of shock. The golden haired teen awaited him, holding the door for the dark haired boy. _Which Takeru is offering me his kindness? Which Takeru smiles out of happiness instead of hiding pain? I want to know I want to know about you, Takeru-kun. Forget about what I'm feeling I want to find out the Takeru that exists in my life!_

Slowly, his feet nudged and walked passed the mysterious teenage boy, his hair fluttering in the air. The dark haired boy's scent passed Takeru as he gracefully walked ahead of him. The pleasant smell of his hair stayed with him as they entered the elevator. For some apparent reason, it soothed his body and soul, releasing him of the days of stress he carried deep within him. Strange how this boy allow him find sanctuary from his life's trouble. Just Ken being here beside him It had lightened his mood.

With school and extracurricular activities, he had rarely had any time to himselfTime to think. Although he was able to spend some quality time with Daisuke and Hikari at school, it was unfulfilling. He was the third wheel who hanged around a couple of lovebirds. Being with them reminded how lonely he was. At school, everyone noticed his existence, but not enough to talk to him and wonder how he was doing. They just leave him be and mind their own business. Even so, they expect great things from him and yet they know nothing about his life. Being at home was far worse since he had no one to talk to. It made him feel isolated from the world like unwanted trash. He felt lost in this world that God created. It was a punishment to live

Ken was just reminder of his corrupted livelihood. Sure, people noticed him when he disappeared years back. His parents were truly caring for they wanted him back. Now that he was, this Chosen Child was able to live happily with his mother and father, something that Takeru lacked indefinitely. Although he has parents, he rarely sees both of them because of their occupations and the divorce. Divorce That word in itself make his heart grew cold. _To separate To lose a partner in life How could they easily accept it? How can they simply want to break apart a family? How come they couldn't settle their differences? How come they got married in the first place? Why was I born if they were not willing to commit?_

Remembering this made his heart turn. It was not only his social life and school life, but also his life at home that influenced him to lose hope in humanity. People rejected him and yet still used him for other means. Either it was to improve the school's image or appear as a good friend or to portray how wonderful this woman who he called 'mother' was. He hated it. He hated living such a life in which people forced him into these types of situations.

Sighing, Takeru leaned against the cold, hard plated wall of the elevator. He did not want to appear weak to the dark haired boy beside him. The Bearer of Kindness had endured more things than him and had lived to tell it. If this boy who lost his brother and had scrutinized innocent Digimon can change his ways, why can't he? If only he knew how? If only he knew what emotions possess him to feel such things -- to feel this way about people? What exists in the crevice of his heart?

"Takeru-kun?" Ken abruptly asked, breaking the silence between them.

"Hmm?"

"It's your birthday, isn't it?"

"Yeah Pretty much."

"What are you hoping to get today?"

The blond's sapphire blue eyes searched the metal floor, hoping to find his answer. Closing his eyes, his lips curved to the thought that developed in his mind. "I don't want anything."

The short hair boy observed his complexion, questioning his answer. He wanted to ask but didn't want to offend him. _Does he really want nothing? Nothing from anyone? Is he perfectly contempt with his life that expects nothing from his friends despite their efforts? Is he really a happy-go-lucky guy like everyone says? Then what about back there at the beach? How could he have been so dull and cold? Was he depressed? Was he sad? Trying understanding you, Takeru just gives me more questions that boggles my mind._

At last, the elevator had stopped on Yamato's floor. The two of them stepped out as the door closed behind them. Casually, Takeru pulled out his key to his father and brother's apartment from his right pocket and slid it in delicately. Turning the doorknob, he gently pushed opened the door as Ken curiously looked in the room over his shoulder.

As the blond reached for the light switch, a flare of white blinded his vision as the volume of noises increased more decibels than could be calculated. Rubbing his eyes, he noticed the large crowd of people before him, holding party favors and wearing the traditional party hats. All of these people he had knew by heart for they shared a fragment of his life. They were his closest friends. They were family.

"Happy birthday, Takeru!" they cheered as the blond blinked in return.

"This is" his voiced trailed as he was amazed by the turn out of people. Hikari jumped in front of him, pointing her finger onto his nose.

"This is my surprise to you, see?" the chestnut hair girl teased in a kiddy voice.

"Well, you really got the 'surprise' thing down absolutely!" he answered excitedly. His face softened as he smiled cheerfully, for this Ken took to consideration. He was happy, truly happy. He certainly saw this - this was the real Takeru laughing and smiling. He was not forcing himself to show these expressions of liveliness. He was carefree as to before in the past.

_I guess this party did the trick. Whatever that was on Takeru-kun's mind, he seemed to have forgotten about it. If this is the case, he's better off being like this Being happy. _Ken settled himself at the dining table in the living room. Picking up a Styrofoam cup filled with Coca-Cola, the dark hair boy took gradual sips of the icy cold soft drink. Noticing the Bearer of Kindness sitting alone, Daisuke joined the boy, sitting across from him.

"Hey, Ken!" The spiky hair boy exclaimed. "It's great of you to come. I thought that you wouldn't have made it since I hadn't seen you around lately."

"Yeah, but you know how it is."

"Yeah, studying frenzy for you. If I was in your shoes, I wouldn't know how to handle it. I would probably have a breakdown or something like other kids out there."

"You would?" Ken asked curiously with concern.

"Yeah, maybe" The goggle boy uttered. "I never endured much stress or problems in life, so I don't have any experience something as great as learning the most advance math and literature like you."

"Like me? I possess nothing like that."

"Don't be so modest about yourself. You underestimate what you are capable, Ken. You went through more things than I ever had. I believe you have more courage than you think."

"Do you really think so? Do you really think that I'm strong enough to pull through?"

Daisuke shook his head, but smiled in return. "I don't think. I know. I know you are strong. I can tell you a million times, but your mind has a stronger hold of your heart than my words. Whether you believe it or not, it's up to you."

"I wouldn't be so sure about that"

"What do you mean?" The spiked hair boy blinked, confused by his use of words. What could he possibly think that could stop him from believing he can progress in life despite what would happen to him? Was he so doubtful about his strength that he cannot see beyond his errors?

"Let's say outside forces also determine what I believe in," he said subtly as he drank his soda. Daisuke followed the dark haired teenager's eyes as they were purposely staring at the blond sixteen-year-old.

_Is Takaishi somehow involved in this? What could he possibly have done to disturb Ken so much? As much as I knew Takaishi, he doesn't seem like the type to go around putting down people to the point that they are down in the dumps. What the hell is going on here? I miss out on hanging out with Ken and when I finally do, there's something wrong. Damn it! How can I fix this? Maybe I should talk to Takaishi since he's more truthful about these kinds of manners. _

The spiky hair boy pushed his chair back as he placed his hands flat of the table. Forcing himself up, he said, "Excuse me while I greet the birthday boy." Ken nodded, allowing him to do so and once again he was by his lonesome.

The Bearer of Courage and Friendship squeezed through the crowded room in the direction where Takeru was standing beside his brother against the hallway walls. The body heat around him grew as the voices could not be distinct. Groaning as he tried to pass through, Daisuke noticed his girlfriend, Hikari somehow found a way through this flood of people and met up with the blond teen. _At least she was able to pass through_

****

"Yamato-san!" The Bearer of Light happily exclaimed. "Can I borrow Takeru-kun for a moment?

The older blond softly chuckled although to her perspective, she could not hear his voice due to loudness. As he brushed back his bangs in a suave motion, The Bearer of Friendship nodded in return as he walked away, joining her brother, Taichi and the former Chosen Children.

Standing opposite of Takeru, Hikari's lips curved when they finally received a moment's peace. "So how are you enjoying your birthday?" she innocently asked.

"It's awesome! I never would have thought this many people would come!"

"Then how come you're here?" the chestnut haired girl pointed out.

Takeru backed away, stunned by her question. She never knew about his views about people or social events. Although he was outgoing did not mean he always wanted to act upon whatever people think of him. Sure, he can put up a front, but after a while, it does get worn down. But Hikari proved a valid point. Why was he hiding in the corner? What was he afraid of? They're just people he knew most of his life. He had always talked to them and now, everything seemed different between him and them. What was stopping him to continue to be with them? How come he can't live like them? Was he more or less than who they are? What was it that separates him from the world?

Shaking his head, he gazed at the polished floor. "Personally," the blond said audible enough for Hikari to listen to him. "With this much people here, how can I?"

"I would have to agree with you about that," she remarked. "Anyway, had you have a chance to open your presents?"

"No, not really," Takeru answered as he drank a can of sweetened green tea. "I think I'll open them when it's time to cut the birthday cake."

"Oh!" Hikari fidgeted as she searched her purse bag for a tiny box that was gift-wrapped with light metallic blue paper, topped with a spring green bow. Extending her hand to him, the Bearer of Light offered him her gift. "Here you go!"

Disappointed for some apparent reason, he carefully removed it from her possession and analyzing the gift. "What is it?" Takeru asked as he shook the box close to his ear.

"Open it!" she suggested energetically. Hesitating at first, the blond did not anticipate the chestnut haired girl to have given him more than a party, but then again, this was Hikari. He admired her heart and for this reason, they had both agree they were better off as friends than lovers.

Carefully, he ripped off tape on the wrapping paper that had covered his present. He dared not wanted to tear the beautiful light aqua blue paper; after all, he was a pack rat. As he cleared off the wrapping paper, there lying in his hand was a small velvet rectangular box. "Hikari-chan, you did have to-"

Immediately, the long hair girl raised her finger, swaying it back and forth. "Now, don't tell me that Oni-chan and I have to return your gift after the trouble we had gone through to get it. Either you wear it or stash it in your drawer for safekeeping."

"Okay, okay," Takeru agreed as he lifted up the clamped top. Within the velvet box was a chained necklace with two rings, one of them with a white opal gem attached to it. "This is"

"A gift for you and your future love. When you meet that special someone, just give her that other ring."

"Hikari-chan"

"Happy birthday, Takeru-kun"

**END OF CHAPTER TWO**

  
**Author's Notes:**  
Yeah, yeah I had to make Takeru and Hikari former lovers for the heck of it. ^^; But nothing happened between them so they're just friends. Lots of self-questioning for Takeru and Ken as a way to show their character development and personally feelings. It was kinda influenced by the book, "Siddhartha" by Hermann Hesse - of course that book was about spiritual fulfillment. ^^; In case any of you are wondering, Takeru is the masculine boy in the relationship and Ken's the feminine guy. I figure that Ken's a mama's boy, trying to not hurt her feelings for he understands how she is feeling most of the time. As for his relationship with his father, it wasn't touched much in the anime series so I wouldn't know how they interact. It was mainly about his mother most of the time. Probably Ken has an Oedipus Rex complex. O_o Damn Sigmund Fraud's theories. XD

Speaking of Fraud, in the beginning of the chapter, I wrote Takeru talking about the hierarchy of needs. In case you have no knowledge about psychology, the hierarchy of needs is the theory about what basic essentials are needed for a human to live properly and gain happiness. Although absolute happiness cannot be achieve, it's better to have those needs than none. Anyway, below is how the hierarchy of needs is structured:

Self actualization (knowledge, understanding, goodness, beauty, justice, order)  
Esteem needs (approval, recognition)  
Belonging & Love needs (affiliation, acceptance, affection)  
Safety needs (physical security, psychological safety)  
Physiological needs (food, drink)

If the lower needs are not satisfied (IE: safety or belonging needs), one cannot gain higher needs (IE: esteem needs). Hope that makes sense, everybody since this would be a common theme throughout the series. But if you don't know it, it doesn't matter as long as you are able to enjoy the story. Well, until the next chapter and remember, more reviews mean more chapters in a short time period. ^_^  
  
  
  



	3. Memory 03: What is Love?

**[Heaven's Wish]**  
_Memory 03 - What is Love_  
_revised February 14, 2003_

  
_This gift that I have received  
What's the meaning to this?  
Two rings Both different  
And yet they are connected by this chain.  
How mysterious and beautiful it is.  
Is this what commitment represents?  
Do lovers have traits that are the same?  
Do they still hold their individualism as well?  
I can't understand such an abstract essence of life._

The Bearer of Hope raised the chain necklace before his clear ocean blue eyes as they swayed in the air. The lighting of the room made them glimmer with every movement, each sparkle fascinating the blond teen. The two ring bands of love Of happiness Of his future Fragments of ideas and emotions that he never would had focused his mind on.

He had never thought of his happiness but others' instead. His future was already set by his mother and the faculty at his school. They wanted him to study further and gain a well-earning profession and in the end would repay them. Rather than refusing their ideal plans and hopes for him, Takeru kindly accepted it despite his personal feelings towards it. That was how it was. He did not want anyone to feel disappointed towards him. He wanted to be liked but sadly, he was doing so by a method he hated quite much - creating a facade of himself. Unfortunately, with this type of society, being true to oneself is hardly possible where one's livelihood and survival is more important than happiness.

Lastly, love As far as he knew, it did not exist. The love between his parents did not last and same for many people out there. The blond could not comprehend the fact. He cannot touch this feeling even if he wanted to for he did not believe in it. Was he coldhearted? No He just couldn't see it anymore. He lost it before he could discover how valuable it was to human life. The only love that Takeru was subjected to was from his friends and his brother, Yamato. This type of affection was not enough for him for it was slowly fading away from his heart and soul. He forgot what it was liked to be love To be actually noticed as himself Deeply Emotionally, he was disappearing from those beings who he claimed they were friends.

This was what Takeru feared the most. To be forgotten To be left behind To remain alone forever Hating the thought, he did not want to dwell more on his suffering. He should appreciate the moment instead looking towards the other side, but the darkness in his heart seemed more appealing than the feeling that was being given off in the room. This subtle odor of hate was in the apartment and he only can recognize it. His emotions were so mixed that he couldn't differentiate his positive and negative thoughts for they had melted together and became distorted.

Clearing his head, he remembered that Hikari was still beside him, staring at his utter silence. Blinking, he snapped out of his daze and released a small laugh. "Oh sorry," he said with a forced smile. "Kinda zoned out there. What did you say just now?"

The Bearer of Light suspiciously gazed at him, carefully looking at his face. He seemed pale and tired, but it had only been an hour or so since the party began. Is he stressed? Is he sick? Although she had asked him about his condition, the words could not manage to be said. Instead, she decided to answer the blond teen's question.

"I said, 'Happy Birthday, Takeru-kun.'"

"Oh," The Bearer of Hope dragged. "_Arigato_, Hikari-chan."

His curved lips and soft chuckle appeared less enthusiastic than when he had told her about how surprised he was. His voice did not sound strong and powerful, rather weak and defenseless. What could have changed that? What could have made him feel drained?

As Takeru rubbed his forehead, the chestnut haired took that to account. "Are you alright?" she finally asked out of concern.

"I think I just need to sit down. That's all," the golden haired boy replied. "If anybody is wondering where I am, I'll be in Ni-san's room."

Gradually, he dragged himself from the hallway to Yamato's room, closing the door behind him. Saddened, Hikari stepped out of the narrow area and back into the lively party, which Takeru did not want to be a part of.

****

"Hey, Hikari-chan," Daisuke panted. His forehead was covered with a few droplets of sweat due to the massive bodies of people he had to force himself between. It was exhausting being tossed left and right as they shifted from time to time. Though frustrating, he managed to successful cross the other side in one piece. The spiky hair boy looked around, only to find that the Bearer of Hope was nowhere in the room. "Where's Takaishi?" he inquired, strongly enunciating his name with the sudden increase of noise.

At first, Hikari stared at him blankly, misunderstanding him the first time round. When Daisuke repeated himself, yelling Takeru's last name like a crazy maniac, the chestnut haired girl's red copper eyes widen as she realized what he was asking originally. Her eyes crept to the edge, focusing on Yamato's door. As he followed her aimless gaze, Hikari raised her finger, pointing at the bedroom door. "He's in there," she answered.

"In there?" the spiky hair boy echoed. "What is he doing in there?"

"Probably mopping around, trying to have some peace with himself."

"Does he mind if anyone interrupts him?" Daisuke wondered. The Bearer of Light shook her relentlessly.

"He said if anybody wondered where he was, he'll be Yamato-san's room. He didn't say anything about being intruded by a visitor," she grinned.

"Always trying to find a loophole, aren't ya?" The spiky hair teenager laughed.

"Well, it'll be nice if he would talk."

"Hikari-chan?"

"Takeru-kun has me worry," she noted. "He seems moody lately. This morning, he was acting cold and depressing and the next, he snapped at me. Strangely enough, at school, he acted like the same Takeru I knew."

"That sounds awfully peculiar," he pondered as he placed his hand under his chin.

"You think so?"

"Look, I'll talk to Takaishi. I have some questions of my own to ask him anyway. While I'm at it, find a way to talk to Ken. He's in a slump."

"About what?"

"I wish I knew," Daisuke said as his gaze wondered off from Hikari. She could sympathize in relation to her and Takeru's situation. As best friends, neither of them could help them as much as they wanted to.

"Okay," the chestnut haired girl agreed. "I'll talk to Ichijouji-kun. See what you can find out from Takeru-kun for me."

"I will," he smiled as he wrapped his arms around her, drawing her near his body. As he leaned down, the spiky hair teen's lips softly kissed hers. Their warm embrace was reassuring that they will manage somehow to succeed. As they pulled apart, Daisuke gazed deep into her eyes. "Don't worry, Hikari-chan," he said as he rubbed her shoulders. "It'll turn out alright. You'll see."

"I know," she uttered. "Now to initiate 'Operation Opposite Buddy Talk'!"

Daisuke gave an odd look at the Bearer of Light in response to her loud outburst during their moment. Fortunately, no one had heard her, especially Ken who was only a couple of meters away from them. Scratching his head, he chuckled. "Mission accepted, captain!" he cried out, saluting her.

"Dismiss, Private Daisuke Motomiya-kun!"

****

Laying on the bed in the dark, Takeru covered his eyes with his arm as he took in a deep breath. His white shirt was unbuttoned, revealing his soft, light skin. He was tired, he perfectly knew that. After that tournament basketball match, he had no energy left in him, let alone to stand. He went all out and caused him to be completely drained. Coughing, his throat felt dry. Having only a couple of drinks of fluids weren't enough for him to feel revitalized.

As he sat up, the blond teen pulled out a transparent orange medication container from his pocket and twisted off the white plastic top. Picking out two small pills, he popped them into his mouth and swallowed them hard. As he sealed the container, Takeru flopped back onto the bed, staring at the ceiling. Sighing, he gazed out of the glass sliding door. As far he could see, the entire world was painted in a deep midnight blue - a sight that calmed him down.

His fingers gripped the sheets as he turned away from the outside world. This was his world. Dark, cold and alone He wanted to accept it, but his heart urged him not to. It was telling him that he wasn't suited for this type of existence. Something was awaiting him, but he had no recollection what it could be. His future? His happiness? _No_, he thought. _There's nothing like that for me._

He turned to his side and realized he was facing Hikari's present that remains in the velvet box. Pulling it close to him, he extracted the necklace to look at it as he once again return to lying on his back. The silver chain necklace dangled over his face with the two rings hitting against each other. They were beautifully crafted with interlacing detail on the exterior. For such a gift given to him, he couldn't accept it. He did not feel obligated to receive such trinkets and accessories for he was not better or less than they. WhyWhy is something so precious given to him? How meaningful is a gift? Are people foolish to be charitable? Is it out of sympathy or compassion? Is it out of love? "Love," he said to himself. "What is love?" His eyes drifted from reality and could only notice the two rings before him. "I don't understand it anymore What is it?" Takeru asked the two rings, but nothing had answered him except the silence.

Suddenly the door opened, breaking the light into the dark door. Creeping in was Daisuke as he curiously popped his head in, searching the room. At that moment, Takeru released the necklace out of his hand and caught it before it smacked the dead-center of his face. In a panic, the golden hair boy returned the silver accessory back into its container and shoved in under the pillow. As he sat up, the spiky hair boy flipped in the light switch to Yamato's room, blinding the Bearer of Hope's vision. Rubbing his eyes, Takeru heard the goggle boy said, "What are you doing sitting here in the dark, Takaishi?"

"Nothing," the blond answered as a yawn escaped his mouth. "What brings you here?"

"Well, I decided to hang with the birthday boy for the time. It's pretty rowdy out there right now, too much for my taste."

"Yeah, I definitely would agree on that."

As Daisuke walked towards him, he closed the door behind him, startling the blond teen. He blinked as he pulled out an office desk chair from Yamato's work area and rolled it to face the Bearer of Hope. Sitting down, his arms set themselves onto his knees as Daisuke let out a long sigh. "Enough about the simple chit-chat. I didn't come to talk to you about your birthday Please don't be offended by that though."

"I'm not. What is it you wanted to talk about, Daisuke-kun?"

"Well," he started as he gently scratched his cheek. "You see"

"Come on, spill it!" Takeru snapped as he shot his enraged eyes at Daisuke. "What is it?"

"Fine then!" The spiky hair boy countered. "What I want to know is what the hell is going on with Ken? That's all!"

Takeru's face softened as he felt his anger diminishing from his heart. "Oh," he uttered as he rubbed his temple. "Sorry about raising my voice like that," he apologized with a smile. Releasing a small chuckle, he scratched his head. "It's been a rough day."

"Oh It's okay," Daisuke replied. "So, do you know what's bugging Ken? Did you talk to him before you headed here?"

When he inquired his second question, the golden hair teenager's face became flushed with red. Takeru kept his silence for a short moment and finally said, "Yeah I did spoke with him before coming to the apartment. So what about it?"

"Ken seems so bent that he doesn't seem all that strong enough to do anything and there's something around him that influences that. Not his exact words, but I can tell. Got any ideas about it?"

Blankly staring at the spiky hair boy, the Bearer of Hope did not know how to response. Their confrontation could not have been the cause for that as far as he knew. What could possible make such an ingenious teenage boy conclude that he was not fit to act on his own? Was it insecurity? Was it pressure? Was it expectations? Was it how people believe what caliber he has? The blond could only extract conclusions through his own experiences, let alone Ken Ichijouji's. But was it possible he could be suffering from the same thing? Shaking his head, he wished that wasn't the case, but it was best to make sure.

"Could it be possible he's stressed out?" Takeru suggested.

"I thought that at first as well, but I think there's more to it."

"Is there?"

"I don't know. As much as share some empathy for the guy, unfortunately, I don't live his life to know about his problems."

"I rather not think that way. We may find out what is bothering him soon. A person like him shouldn't keep such things to himself. It's not healthy."

"I totally agree."

Takeru stared at the floor, searching for some guidance of his own. Here he was suggesting advice like he knew everything and yet in truth, he was a hypocrite. The blond knew perfectly that the words he had uttered applied to him. But why does he not use these suggestions to benefit himself? Why did he not listen to himself when involving the same situations? Was he ignorant? Was he stubborn? No, it was because he did not want others to see him weak. He was tired of his sensitivity being teased about when he was a child. It was because of that, he hadn't cried since. As far as he could remember, the last time he had cried was when he was eight. And now, he is sixteen, eight years older from then. Has his emotions died since that time? For this question, he knew of no answer.

"What's this?" Daisuke asked, startling the blond. Picking up an orange plastic container, he observed it curiously.

_Oh crap! My medication! _Takeru's mind screamed._ If he finds out, he would definitely tell Hikari-chan and she'll be totally trying to look after me 24/7 if she knew. _Quickly, his hand swiped the plastic container away from the spiky hair teen and slipped it back into his pocket. "It's nothing," the blond lied.

"Are you sick or something?"

"It's nothing serious, really!" Takeru proclaimed as he forced his lips to curve.

The spiky hair boy eyed him suspiciously as he analyzed his complexion. This carefree attitude This gentle smile There was something wrong about it, especially how it contrasts the dreary, dark atmosphere he had entered before he shed some light into the room. At this moment he started to understand why Hikari would be worry about him, considering the situation. _You better be telling the truth, Takeru or you'll be hurting along with everyone else. But my suspicion is mainly focused on the medicine you have. It's the answer to all of this, most definitely. Paroxetine What is it?_

****

Hikari sat herself across the Bearer of Kindness slightly as she beamed a "come on, be happy" smile for him. Leaning on one arm, Ken stared at her with a weary look upon his face. Raising an eyebrow, he wondered for what business does she have that might had to involve him. As his eyes tried to ignore her, the chestnut hair girl was reluctant to let him off that easily.

Her hand reached out to him with her index finger protruded out. Poking him, she wished he wasn't so stubborn to ignore her. Annoyed by her resilient motive, he sighed as his eyes became darker by anger. "What do you want, Hikari-chan?"

"Yay! You finally talked!" she exclaimed, which was followed by a giddy laugh.

"Seriously, Hikari-chanWhat do you want?" Ken repeated with a much sterner voice. This pestering girl What is she up to? Why does she want to speak to the Bearer of Kindness? The two of them never actually interacted much, let alone had anything in common. Sure she loves taking pictures of almost everything, but it did not seem very appealing to him. The flatness of touching a photograph made him feel separated from existence. This materialism was a wall between him and his life. To feel left out To feel isolated from what the others do together from time to time He saw this through these images. Was he losing himself to his current self? Was he the cause to his own despair?

But this girl before him was nothing like him. She fought for what she wanted and rejected those who tried to stop her from dreaming. That's why she able to live with herself and be happy. If only he could be like her, courageous against the force of people's ideals of him. After all, she is the Light.

"I want to know how you are doing," she kindly gestured. "Your sad-looking mood really got to Daisuke-kun. Are you okay?"

"Heh, 'okay' does not describe even half of what I'm currently feeling."

"Do you want to talk about it? Maybe I can help."

The short hair boy shook his head as he gazed at the table in a daze. "It's something I need to figure out on my own. No offense"

"You do know you should keep everything bottled up. It might backfire on you."

"Even if you do hear me out, I doubt I'll listen."

Suddenly, the chestnut haired girl giggled seconds later, which disturbed the Bearer of Kindness for a moment. Apparently, he did not understand why she would laugh at the idea of him not listening to other people's opinions although he wished he didn't during some incidents. What is she thinking that makes her smile feel with glee?

"You know who you remind me of?"

"I don't know"

"Like Takeru-kun," she beamed.

_Takeru The boy who is quite involved with the people around him? The boy who everyone sees as a star athlete and a spectacular student? The boy who manages to be happy at the most surprising times? That Takeru? How can he and I be somewhat alike? I just don't see it. How a person like him could be similar to me? What is it? What is it?_

"You are mistaken," Ken finally replied. "I am nothing like him."

"No, you are wrong, Ichijouji-kun. You are a lot like Takeru-kun"

**END OF CHAPTER THREE**

  
**Author's Notes:**  
What a way to end a chapter! XD Though while writing this, I was so tempted to have a shounen-ai teaser between Takeru and Daisuke. I practically just gave myself an opening right then and there. ^^; Well, because of this chapter was greatly on focus about Takeru, next chapter would mostly be about Ken! YAY!!! I really try to balance it out between those two so Yeah. Now for some explanation on what Daisuke discovered!

Our goggle head, while talking to Takeru, managed to read the label on time before he had it taken away. What he read was paroxetine, better known as Paxil. Paxil is an antidepressant medication that has fewer side effects than other antidepressants out there. Fortunately I get to play around with Takeru's character because of the side effects of this drug. XD Some of the side effects for Paxil are: dry mouth, nausea, nervousness, tiredness, insomnia, and headaches. Therefore, this is the reason why Takeru is rubbing his head a lot in the story. Ken doesn't count since he does the head rubbing thing out of plain stress, which he admits to. A definite plus to Kenny-boy.

History behind Takeru's medication will be toldDefinitely not the next chapter but chapter 5 or 6. Hehehe Anyhoo, why are you still reading this? Review, review, review and look out for chapter 4 very soon! ^_^  



	4. Memory 04: I Don't Understand

**[Heaven's Wish]**  
_Memory 04 - I Don't Understand_  
_revised March 16, 2003_

_It's such a mystery to me  
Takeru, the judge of innocence and evil  
And I, the once twisted, now spiritually lost  
We are the same?  
Is it true? Is he like me?  
I've never seen his behavior like mine.  
Maybe I'm not seeing things clearly.  
Maybe because I don't understand myself  
Does that mean he has similar issues as me?_

Ken's body suddenly felt incredibly stiff by the notion of the thought. He could not believe it, maybe because to him, it does not feel correct. The feeling that his reality was off-kilter to begin with flustered him. What lies had he created for himself in order to continue to live? To withstand the fact there are people out there who hates him? To feel strong about himself? Was it all out of instinct or fear? Shivering, he did not know what to expect from himself but utter vulnerability.

Here he was, present at this party for the blond teenager and yet, even among these people, he could not recognize anyone not even his friends That's how pathetic he was. He no longer knew these people around him. They had grown up without his knowing and yet he remained the same, trying to win his parents' love by not failing them. That was all in the past. So why? Why does he torture himself to go through this cycle one again? Why can he not move on and live without concerning himself based on other people's perspectives? Was it because it would lead him into a spirally vortex of solitude?

He did not want to suffer anymore, but it is he who was causing it. Only he was thinking this as Daisuke said. His best friend did advise him about this, but he did also say his heart was stronger than anything that can be told to him. It was true. He cannot fight the feelings drifting in his heart. They continued to devour him as he stayed longer in the Ishida residence. His nerves felt twisted and severed. He did not know what he was feeling. If only he could tell someone how he felt, but he did not know how to word them. Was he in pain? Was he happy? Was he severely depressed? For all he knew, he was simply confused.

Sighing, he stared at the soda bubbles fizzing out of his cup, each one disappearing as the coke gradually became flat. He felt senseless. Telling himself to forget these feelings did not control the situation but worsened it. These feelings roared in his body and soul, but he did not know how to satisfy them. He could only think about different scenarios and not one act upon. _What a coward I am_

"Ichijouji-kun Are you sure you're alright?" Hikari asked him, staring at his blank expression.

His body reacted to her sincere voice as his head shifted to look back at the brunette girl. Softly, he took in a deep breath, close his eyes to release his tenseness. Massaging his own shoulder, his amethyst eyes returned its focus back at the Styrofoam cup. "Please, Hikari-chan. I appreciate your concern, but I rather keep this to myself for the time."

"I understand"

His eyes twitched for her calm accepting response. Staring at her with curiosity, he questioned her use of words. "You do?"

"Of course, I do. Takeru-kun says the same thing from time to time when there's a lot of pressure on him, but he's too stubborn to tell anyone. He would say, 'It's nothing'" Hikari mimicked the blond teenager's voice. "And leave it at that. Even though I always leave him alone after he refuses to say anything, I personally can see he's going through much of his own problems. He's always helping others, but ignores the fact he needs help as well."

"So what Takeru-kun told be earlier was a lie," he told himself aloud.

"What do you mean?" The brunette hair girl wondered. "What did he lied about?"

Taking another sip of coke, Ken blankly stared at the dining table, his eyes lowered. "He told me he wasn't stressed," Ken simply replied. "I wasn't sure that was true or not. If Daisuke can be stressed, I would have thought Takeru-kun could be too. But then again, his answer was too convincing since he is always happy."

"He's not" The Bearer of Light calmly blurted out as she leaned her head onto her hand. "I believe he's not happy at all"

Appalled, the dark hair boy felt like his soul backed away from her as he sat there with a surprise expression across his face. Her serious face made him fear what others possibly knew about him. If Takeru could be read like an open book, what chances others could do the same to him? Was the Bearer of Hope that obvious about his pain than he thought? If this girl before him could have seen it coming, why can't he? Why can't he see other people's suffering? Was he that blind about everyone because he is more concern about himself? It surprised him when he hear Daisuke explaining that he would not be able to survive on his own under such conditions. But then again, he had Hikari to help him endure the troubles of the world. The spiky hair boy had someone to rely on. Someone close to his heart Someone who can understand him Someone who knows how it feels

As far as Ken knew, the only person out there who had gone through similar situations like himself was Takeru Takaishi, if the brunette girl's presumption was correct. If it was all out of spectral evidence, then there is no one. They could listen all they want, but they had not felt that his agony. They can never help him if they did not feel it once in their lifetime. To be looked upon as an ideal student To become popular because your abilities were exposed To be recognized because everyone created the false you To have lived a lie that you and others had created They can never see what it's like.

_Wait a sec!_ Ken's mind cried out._ I have been doing the same thing to Takeru-kun. I have only seen him as the carefree person others believe he is. But he's not like that! I have seen the other Takeru The cold-hearted, yet tormented Takeru. Does Takeru-kun act happy for the same reasons I do? But what could he have been through to create a dark version of himself, more evil than my other identity - The Digimon Kaiser?_

The Bearer of Kindness bit his lower lip as he continued to ponder deeply about the mysterious two-sided Takeru Takaishi. Why could someone of hope could be also of darkness? Is there a wrong that exists in one's faith? Sighing, Ken pushed his seat away from the table, grabbing Hikari's attention.

"Ichijouji-kun?"

"The only way I can figure this all out is to talk to someone who had experience the same pain I had. Personally, I wouldn't have seen it, but now I'm starting to think it's all true - how we both suffer the same. I would have needed to talk to Takeru-kun for my answers"

****

Takeru felt like he was suffocating by the spiky hair boy's presence. These questions How they were pestering him and caused him to feel awfully barricaded. Why can't he run away from this? Why can't he be left alone? Why can't they stop worrying about him altogether?_ Nothing's wrong with me! _His conscious screamed.

This was how he feels around one person. Imagine a crowd. Do they care? Do they truly look at him the same way he looks at himself? They call to him, but it does not mean anything. No, because they never knew him to begin with. They believe that they do, but in the end, they are really seeing a stranger among them. These feelings He wished he could strip their essences out his soul and release his angst. Why does he allow himself to feel this way? Why does he force himself into a deeper lie? What reasons drove him to become this person falling into loneliness? The only thing he knew was that he could no longer comprehend his emotions anymore. If he can't understand them, why should he worry? Should he abandon his humanity to be free from his heart's mind games? If only it was that easy

"Takaishi, what was that, just then?" a voice broke his train of thought. Realizing Daisuke was still in the room, his mind drifted back into reality.

"What do you mean?" he innocently asked.

The goggle boy's pupils dilated as his eyes grew furious with the blond teen's attempt of denying the existence of what he saw. His teeth clinched tightly as his fingers curled into fists. _Does he think I'm that stupid to not see it? Did he convince himself that I can be easily fooled? Obviously, Takeru Takaishi You have lost touch of the world. I'm more mature than you think!_

Frustrated, he wished he could seriously knock some sense into him, even if he had to punch him senselessly. But he had to resist; it would haven't proven a point after all. Physical pain from a person like himself would not have a strong effect on his mind and heart. It had to come from someone close to him, a person he was not. Taking a deep breath, his shoulders lost their stiffness and became relaxed. Trying to remain calm, he focused his mind on the situation he wanted to complete.

"Takaishi, do you honestly think you can talk your way out of this? You pretty know damn well what I'm talking about," Daisuke swore.

"Which is?"

"Stop playing around!" he voice rose. "What's up with the medicine?"

"I told you it's nothing."

"It's nothing It's nothing! It's nothing!" The spiky hair boy mocked. "Do you think I accept that kind of shit as an answer? It is something! If it wasn't, then you wouldn't be taking the stuff, now would you?"

The Bearer of Hope held his breath. Daisuke was clever to corner him with a question that had no scapegoat. It's true. If it was insignificant, he wouldn't need this medication. But he was taking it. There's no denying that. For what reason, the goggle boy did not know. The golden haired teen wanted to leave it that. He did not want to release anymore information about his life and his condition. But that was not the case. He perfectly knew that the hot-headed, goggle boy would investigate into him further. If only he could stop him He did not need this type of treatment today. Not today It was already bad enough.

"Look," Takeru finally said. "If you respect my privacy, then you would stop poking your head into places where it doesn't belong."

"Takaishi"

"Just leave me alone, alright?"

As the blond stood up, he flattened out the creases in the sheets, fixing Yamato's bed. Coldly, he walked passed the spiky hair boy and reached for the doorknob to make his escape. As he swung opened the door, there before him stood a short-hair boy with amethyst eyes returning his gaze. "Ichijouji-kun" he uttered under his breath.

Blinking out of astonishment, Ken stood there, unable to move. His mind commanded him to step aside but his body did not process it. In the corner of his eyes, he noticed Daisuke was also in the room as stated by Hikari before he left. The Bearer of Light told him they were trying to unravel the pain they were hiding away from them. It was understandable why they would. Their suspensions gave them the right to. They were friends after all Something truly evident today. They were trying so hard, and yet Hope and Kindness were both stubborn. Still, why would this boy hide away when they are here for him? _He's here Here away from everyone else_Ken thought. _How come?_

Clearing his throat, Daisuke gave a cheerful grin towards his best friend as he stood up, returning the chair back to its original location. Subtly chuckling, he excused himself and left the room. As he passed by the dark haired teenager, Daisuke told him "I'm leaving Takeru to you to find out what's going on with him For Hikari's sake."

The Bearer of Kindness glanced it him by his sudden request, but at the moment, the spiky hair boy had left his side. His violet eyes followed the boy as he rejoined his love. The expression on his face How it smiles and laughs If only he could feel that way

Returning his attention to the Bearer of Hope, Ken did not know how to react to him. It was the same feeling he had before they came to the party. His stomach was in knots and his throat felt like it lost all its moisture. He felt like he was going to cough or choke. It was a strange feeling. So many things were occurring to his body, but what did it all mean?

"Are you just going to stand there?" Takeru asked, shattering his concentration. He rested his right arm onto the doorway, leaning his head onto his hand. "You obviously were going to come in, weren't you?"

The short hair boy's eyes stared at the floor, resenting making any eye contact with him. Every time he does, the elusive feelings return. "Well, can I come in then?" he innocently wondered. Giving a restless sigh, the blond teenager nodded and they went into the bedroom together.

Takeru returned back to lying on the bed as the Bearer of Kindness sat on the other side. The sheets tucked under his legs as his back faced the golden haired teen. His hands gripped the sheets tightly as his nervousness increased as the silence grew. Finally, he was calmed as the Child of Hope finally uttered, "What's on your mind?"

The dark haired boy eyed him unconsciously, his heart throbbing hard under his chest. "Many things," he answered.

"Such as?" Takeru questioned as he rubbed his index finger over his eyes.

"Like" His voice dragged. "Everything"

"How can everything be troubling you?" The blond replied. "Surely you can't believe that."

"I do"

Takeru's sapphire eyes widen to his response. He noticed his face grew pale once again as his expression felt lost and uncertain. The short haired boy's eyes felt lonely and distant. The blond breathed in deeply as he consumed his longing face. He wanted answers to his problems but had yet to find them very much like himself._ Everything is troubling you, is it? I think you have it a lot better than some people. Like me_

"I'm sure Daisuke told you about my problems," Ken noted.

"Yeah You believe that you're not capable to do anything because you're not strong enough. Is that right?" The Bearer of Hope muttered as he raised a brow.

"Pretty much"

"Do you truly believe that you are?" he asked with a concern tone.

"I do. I know I shouldn't, but I've been feeling like this for who knows how long!" Ken exclaimed as he shut his eyes, unable to tolerate the unknown.

"I think," Takeru interrupted softly as his eyes lowered. "it's not that you believe that you're not strong enough, but you are not sure of yourself. Your decisions Your actions And how people react to them I think that is the reason why"

Ken turned around, staring at the golden haired teen. His answer It was not like what Daisuke or Hikari would tell him. It felt close to him, close to his life Did he experience the same pain as him, exactly how the Bearer of Light told him? Did their lives share a strong connection after all? _Do you know how I feel? Do you understand what I have been through? Tell me, Takeru Tell me_

"Tell me something, Takeru-kun," the dark haired male teenager replied.

"Alright, shoot."

"Why do you believe that may relate to me?" he subtly asked.

"You're definitely not weak, Ichijouji-kun," Takeru admitted. "But I certainly know that you doubted yourself in the past. You probably still do."

"Oh, is that so?" His amethyst eyes were shifty, trying to analyze his words.

"Yeah, that's it. What's with all the questions suddenly?" The blond wondered.

"It's nothing," Ken answered with a forced smile. The Bearer of Hope stared at his curved lips and how his eyebrows were scrunched, expressing an unsettling feeling. It was not right, he perfectly could see that. But he felt somewhat fearful to see this. It was like he was staring into his own reflection. That fake smile He knew it very much. It was quite strange to see it before him.

"You're wrong," he finally said in a stern voice as he sat up. "It is something. Why? Why are you forcing yourself to not say anything? Don't you want to find a way out of your problems instead of living them?"

"I could ask you the same thing, Takeru Takaishi," Ken shot back, his face full of anger.

"What?"

"You don't tell anybody about your problems as well!"

"This isn't about me right now!"

"It is about you!"

Takeru held his breath. Apparently, it wasn't his day. Questions and accusations Questions and accusations They keep following him wherever he goes, no matter how much he wished to run away from it all. Did he have no privacy? Did others were so focus to find his flaws? Why can't they leave him alone and leave him be?

"Look, you're missing the point," the blond said.

"I'm not. As much as you want to ignore your issues, you do have them hanging over your head everyday as far as I know."

"What do you know?"

"Well, I perfectly know that you're not the happy-go-lucky boy that you're all cracked up to be."

The Bearer of Hope looked away, releasing an exhausted sigh. It was pointless to keep this up. He would deny it, then Ken would deny about his. The endless cycle that exists in their lives Is there no end to it? "Believe what you want, Ichijouji but you are mistaken."

"Is that how it is? How can I expect you to help me or anyone else when they hide away themselves from me? Is everyone like this? And to thinkYagami-chan told me that you and I were alike. What a joke!" Ken's voice began to sound distorted as his throat tightened. His emotional battle for answers just gave him nothing to hope for. Was he alone in this after all? Was there nobody to help him through this? He wanted someone to be there, to listen and understand completely, not out of theories and faith. 

He knew for a fact that his other friends had no business to give him advice. They hadn't experienced it. No, they only know about it and that's all. His level of suffering was beyond theirs. And there was Takeru Takaishi. To be fooled that he, of all people, know how it is To know how cynical the world is He could not understand.

His eyes began to be filled with tears, tears which he wanted to hold back. He couldn't control how he was feeling at the moment. The Bearer of Kindness felt as if an arrow pierced his heart and his essence was escaping out of him. Everything about him was all being blurted out to this boy beside him. "Why does everyone expect that I can do everything? I can't! I CAN'T!!!" his scornful voice screamed. "I'm no longer that prodigy from my past! Why can't they see that!?"

The dark haired boy tried to calm himself down, but he just wanted to release all his pain that he had held for years. Trembling, he just wanted to stop crying and leave the room immediately. He couldn't stand it. Why now? Why just he feel this way in front of Takeru?

Suddenly, he felt a shot of warmth wrapped over his hand. This warm touch made him feel relaxed, but he was shocked to see it was the Bearer of Hope who was doing so. His midnight blue eyes gazed back at him with concern. They had saw his sorrow and somewhat felt it as well. Ken's tears continued to fall but his voice could not cry out anymore.

At that moment, Takeru's arms wrapped around his body, softening his tenseness. His chest was against his back, reverse from before. He could feel his light breathing over his bare neck. It was nostalgic. The dark hair boy stared at him at the corner of his eyes as the angel's hand gently touched his chin. Leaning down, the blond kissed his tears, soothing his anguish soul. And the boy whispered to him: "I don't understand why either"

**END OF CHAPTER FOUR**

  
**Author's Notes:**  
Questions, questions and questions! Boy I really dragged this chapter. XD Anybody surprised about the last scene? ^o^ I had to throw that in to start moving the story along. (I mean after 4 chapters, it's still ONE day!) Damn soap operas killing my writing style. XD But is that a bad thing? ^^; Anyhoo I have much to talk about this chapter Except that next chapter, Ken's questions about Angel-Boy's actions kicks in, which really troubles Takeru. XD Until next chapter, and remember to R & R.  



	5. Memory 05: The Arrow in My Heart

**[Heaven's Wish]**  
_Memory 05 - The Arrow in My Heart_  
_revised March 16, 2003_

_These tears that he had shown to me…_  


_They reveal the sorrow buried in his heart._  


_Do I feel that way as well?_  


_Am I that fragile than how I portray myself to be?_  


_My lips touched his tears suddenly._  


_Was it me? Was I truly acting upon my emotions?_  


_Why do I feel so attach to this boy?_  


_This is strange and foreign to me._  


_Why am I feeling this way?_

The blond teenager searched his heart and soul for the answers which he desired. But he could not find any in this enclosed bedroom. The only thing that seemed apparent was that his arms were wrapped around this defenseless, frail boy crying in his comfort. The dark haired boy clung onto him tightly, ignoring the fact the person who was in his grasp. He could care less at the moment. He wanted the security that he had lack from his other peers and he found it here, in Takeru's arms. The Bearer of Hope stared out of the window, his cerulean eyes illuminated by the lighting of the night. Hesitating, he slowly touched Ken's silky ebony hair, stroking it tenderly to calm him down. 

The Bearer of Kindness buried his face and continued to weep uncontrollably. The boy shook his head as he tried to force himself to stop, but he could not. Trembling, his body acted on its own will, rejecting all his orders from his mind. He felt so pathetic. Here he was, alone with this other boy and showing how weak he was. Even so, he was relentless to let go of this angel who had restrain his sadness. Confused, Ken could not understand why being in Takeru's arms felt so right. It was ironic that this boy was the first person he had talk to since weeks. This boy who may or may not share that same pain… This boy who was not retaliating against his behavior… The relationship between them seemed so different since back then. They were never so close, not even close to be officially friends. Why now? Did God purposely made their lives this way?

Holding that thought, the dark hair boy finally pulled away from the Bearer of Hope as he wiped his eyes with his sleeve ever so gently. Lowering his eyes, he felt guilty for putting Takeru through such a situation. But then again, it was the blond angel who kissed his tears away. What was the meaning behind it? Why did he perform such an affectionate notion? Ken blinked as he stared at the wrinkles of the sheets. "Sorry…," he apologized.

Takeru did not responded back for he was still gazing at the outdoors. His eyes were so distant and his face appeared so blank. The Child of Kindness could not comprehend why though. Suddenly, the blond teen finally realized that the boy was speaking directly to him. "Oh!" he gasped, snapping out of trance. "There's nothing you need to apologize for."

The golden haired teen glared away from Ken as his face became slightly flushed. Was he embarrassed about what had happen just now? Did he feel ashamed? Whatever it was, Takeru would rather not acknowledge its existence. It felt disturbing at the time, especially when there are other people present on the other side of the door. Rubbing his temple, he released a soft sigh as he pushed himself onto his feet.

"Takeru…?" Ken uttered out of concern.

"Do you feel alright now?" he asked flatly as he walked towards the long mirror in the room. As he combed down his hair with his fingers, the boy nodded in return. Takeru raised his eyebrow as he saw the Bearer of Kindness reflected in the mirror. Pulling a Kleenex out of the tissue box from the drawer beside the bedpost, he handed it to the dark hair boy silently to clear up his face.

"Thanks…," he said as he used the tissue to wipe his face, mainly his eyes.

"It's not a problem, Ichijouji-kun… Really…"

"But still—"

"But nothing," The Bearer of Hope interrupted as he went to the closet to grab a silky maroon dress shirt and black slacks. "Don't worry about it, alright. I completely understand your condition…"

His sincere voice alarmed Ken's attention. It was different from before, different from the affectionate version of him. Now he sounded just like how a friend would approach this situation. Shoving the idea in the back of his mind, he tried to keep his focus. "You do?" he finally responded.

"Yeah," Takeru complied casually as he unbuttoned the rest of his shirt. As he allowed his bare skin to be exposed in Ken's presence, the dark haired boy blushed suddenly. Quickly he looked away shyly, blinking in incredibly surprised. The blond eyed him in the mirror and merely shrugged the thought.

"So…," The Child of Kindness muttered uncomfortably. "What part of my life do you understand?"

"Well…," the blond pondered. "When I was a little kid, I was such a crybaby."

"You?" he blinked as he was astonished.

"Yep!" he answered as he slipped on the silk shirt, buttoning it carefully. "Anyway, back in the days of the old Chosen Children, I was always getting in the way… The weak one of the group."

"The weak one…" Ken raised a brow.

"Hey, what do you expect? I was also the youngest, even with Hikari-chan on the team. But that's beside the point. The point is that on the day we confronted Piedmon, I felt totally helpless. It was just me, Hikari and Angemon left. I didn't know what to do or how I could save everyone. At that point, I gave up."

"But your—"

"My crest… Well that was another thing. I lost all hope… The weight of this terrible pressure was over me to save everyone or else all would be lost. You could imagine what that could have been like for an eight-year-old. Anyway, Piedmon got to us and we fell such a long distance, heading straight to our untimely deaths… At that point, I wanted things to change… To have it not end this way. I wanted a future… And then, Angemon evolved and saved all of us…"

"So how does this relate to me?"

The blond teen turned around and faced him. His serious expression and narrow eyes… It had such a strong impact on the Bearer of Kindness. "You gave up too easy without a fight, Ichijouji. Although you are no longer the same Ken Ichijouji who became the boy genius, others don't know that yet. You need to show them that things have changed… That you have changed… Only then, they could accept you as you."

"Takeru…"

"Fight for your dreams and desires! Don't let everyone take advantage of your kindness!" 

"If it's only that simple…" He murmured as his eyes wavered by uncertainly.

"Ichijouji-kun…"

"You say it so loosely as if it could be done in a snap, but some things don't flow that easily. Some times people don't want to accept the truth…"

The golden haired teen held his breath, unable to respond any further. The boy's words hit the core of his soul. This piercing arrow that the kind boy had shot to him hurt his heart deeply. He flinched at the idea as he visualized it. It was greatly painful to hear this from Ken. _Is the arrow in my heart the guilt and denial I have hanging over me? Funny I try to help Ichijouji-kun with this load of crap that I, myself don't even bother following… I don't fight for my dreams. I let others play me like a dog. They made me this way because they don't want to lose their hopes… Is that the truth that they are not willing to accept?_

Shaking his head, he refused to believe that is the only reason the people around him wanted him to live out being the ideal student. It couldn't be true, could it? Taking in a deep breath, he rubbed his forehead as he returned his gaze back at the mirror. "That might be true," Takeru admitted out loud.

"It is true…," the dark haired boy corrected him. "Things like that do exist."

Takeru stared at the boy's reflection as he heard his last words echoing in his consciousness. They were certainly symbolic to him for they held great meaning. But why? Did it apply to him? Was he in such denial of himself that he could not acknowledge the truth? Was he that blind towards his own problems?

The other boy searched the ocean blue eyes of the Child of Hope as the silence grew between them. The blond teen's face was blank, his thoughts consuming his mind. He appeared lost before the presence of the raven haired boy. What could be troubling him? Standing quietly, Ken stared at him, wondering why he did not respond any further. As he cleared his throat, Takeru broke out of his deep daze. Shaking his head, the golden haired boy rubbed his temple and released a shallow sigh.

"Takeru…?" Ken softly asked. "Are you—"

"Alright? Yeah… Why?" He gave him a gentle smile upon his face to reassuring him. Those curved lips of his were quite questionable. Why does he try to hide his emotions? What's holding him back? What is it…?

Ken shook his head as gazed weary at the floor. "Never mind… Well I better leave so you can finish up here." As he stood up, Takeru's eyes followed the dark haired boy's reflection until he could no longer see him in his view. As he spun around, the Bearer of Kindness disappeared from the room, leaving the blond by his lonesome.

"What part of me that's accepted is true?" He uttered under his breath. "What lies have I created about myself? What are they…?"

****

The raven haired teen stepped silently out of the older Ishida's bedroom as he paced back to the dining table room where he originally had kept his peace. After what had occurred in that room, he would not know how their relationship would change. Would it be for better or worse? Shutting his eyes, he wished not to concern himself with these mingling thoughts that plagued his consciousness. He took his seat and laid his head over the glossy wood.

There was someone tapping his shoulder, but Ken keep his eyes close, relentless to give his undivided attention to whomever was bother him. The finger poked again. How bothersome was this. Couldn't he find a moment's peace for the time? His groaned as he turned around to view how was annoying him. There, before him was the least liking person who would have done such an act. It was neither Daisuke nor Hikari; it was the older Ishida brother himself, Yamato.

"Hey…," he whispered as he sat next to him. "Tired?" The older blond wondered as he poured himself a tall, ice-cold glass of sparkling apple cider. Silently, he carefully took in small sips of the bubbling drink as he awaited the other boy to respond.

"Yeah, you can say that."

"You seem to be out of it…"

"You're mistaken," the raven haired boy answered coldly as he looked away from the older Ishida brother. 

"Oh really…?" He inquired as he raised his brow. "Here you are... All bummed out at a party, trying to keep yourself away from everyone else and refusing to talk to your best friend about what's up with your life. Don't tell me that I'm mistaken. Your actions are as clear as day."

Ken held his breath as this mere young adult has been keeping track of his actions. He was completely oblivious that the brother had done so during this party. His amethyst eyes glared at him in pure surprise as he was expecting him to continue. "Am I that obvious?"

"Yeah, pretty much," Yamato lightheartedly replied. "If I can figure it out, that says something."

"So, you have been observing me the whole time, haven't you?"

"Of course!" he exclaimed loosely. "You and everyone else… I have to make sure everyone is having a good time, y'know. But seriously, as one of Takeru's closest friends, I would have believed you would be having fun… At least, smiling or laughing for a moment. But here you are…Not even once you seem to be enjoying yourself."

"You really take your job as Takeru's brother quite seriously, don't you?"

"Absolutely!" The Child of Friendship boasted. "Takeru's my younger brother and I would like to keep him out of any certain trouble. And besides, I won't be able to see him for a while."

"Oh yeah, you have that Teenage Wolves tour coming up, right?" The Bearer of Kindness recollected.

"Yeah, so I would like Takeru to have one of the best birthdays ever."

Surely the dark hair boy could understand his strong concerns about his younger brother. After all they had gone through, it was their bond that allowed them to endure the pain of separation. If only he could feel that, but it was beyond his reach. He no longer had a brother. He no longer had a connection with anyone. If his brother, Osamu was alive, perhaps he wouldn't agonize so much. But Osamu was no longer living on this earth. He died. The raven haired boy perfectly knew that, but somewhere in his heart, the pain was still embedded in his heart. He wanted that feeling again. The feeling of enjoying life with another… If only he could reach that height of emotion. At that moment, he thought of Takeru for some apparent reason. "Hey, tell me something, Yamato-san."

"What is it?" the older male blankly stared at him.

"What is Takeru hiding from everyone? Why is he so secretive? Why does he act so different? It's like there's numerous versions of him brewing through his body. Why is that?"

The dark haired boy's quirk made the cerulean eyes of the blond to widen. He gazed at the boy's stern, yet passionate complexion in pure amazement. Clasping his hands before his chin, he addressed the situation quite seriously. "So you noticed it too? Takeru's behavior…"

"You mean...You were aware of it too?"

"Perfectly," he simply said as he took another sip of chilled sparkling apple cider. "It's been like this for quite some time. I believe all his actions changed when he entered junior high."

"Junior high…?"

"I think that whatever happened at school caused him to act this way."

"Do you think it would have been caused by his peers?"

"Maybe…" Yamato sighed. "With how the school system is structured, I don't see why it wouldn't be. Teenagers nowadays strictly rebel against their teachers and pick on the students who they believe are weak. But I don't see Takeru being that type of person to do that. So it must be something else."

"He must be pushing himself to avoid that kind of influence," Ken stated.

"To avoid that and perhaps even more..." The Bearer of Friendship searched the table as his face grew pale for assuming the possible problems of his brother. He was terribly worried about him that his body grew weak and weary. Because he could not keep a strong communication with Takeru, knowing about his younger brother grew difficult every day. He felt an untouchable gap in their relationship. His cold expression, his quietness, his inability to interact with others very well… These characteristics surely reminded Yamato of himself when he believed he was alone. Loneliness… Is that what Takeru believed in? Did he think he was alone in the world, that no one could understand his problems and what he could be possibly going through? Was that the true problem behind his behavior?

"Yamato-san?" Ken glared at the older boy as his daze was apparent to him. The older boy blinked to the Bearer of Kindness's stare and gave a deep sigh. "What could Takeru be going through other than whatever he enduring at school? What is it?"

The older Ishida brother remained silent as the raven hair boy continued to pester him. His curiosity grew more as the minutes pass. Still, the golden haired teen uttered nothing in return. Frustrated, the dark haired male moaned. "Why won't you tell me?"

"When did you grew so focused about Takeru, Ken?" he finally responded. His deep stare along with his expressionless face made Ken wishing to back away. He wasn't playing around with their conversation, he could see that. This overly protective brother was not going to let his guard down anytime soon. Trapped by this one mere question, what could he possibly say that would not offend the older male?

"Well, he's my friend…" he uttered shyly, being cautious of his words.

"I want to believe that, but my guts say otherwise," Yamato replied as he leaned his head over his hands. Glaring at the dark hair boy, a feeling of incredible fear grew in Ken's heart. What was he going to tell him? What could he possible do to him? What could it be? The suspense emerged as the silence grew. The raven haired boy took a deep breath as the older teen continued. "One, you two say little to each other and about yourselves. Two, personally, I would be wondering my best friend had been up to lately and reminiscence, which you had not. So, the real question is how much does Takeru mean to you, really?"

This question made Ken pondered as well. Why did he want to know Takeru more? Was it because it had been bothering him? But why it was bothering him? Why was he so concern about the blond angel hiding things about himself from him? It was until now he had realized it. His lips parted as he wanted to utter an answer. If he did, it would have been an empty response. He did not know and the older male already comprehended that as well. 

So why…? Why was he so driven to know everything possible about Takeru? When did he truly care about him? What was about him that lured his unquenchable curiosity? What exactly about the golden haired boy was so appealing to him? At that moment, he finally realized what it was. That strange feeling that always arose in his soul when he is around him… The unexplainable relationship between them… The possibility that they are quite similar each other although he is unaware of its existence… It was because of these reasons that he wanted to learn more about the Bearer of Hope.

The desire to know him seemed to dissolve his worries about his own life. Although he was dwelling on his own pain, he did not consider Takeru's. If Hikari was correct, then the blond birthday boy surely is suffering like him. "_I believe he's not happy at all…" _The brunette's words echoed in his consciousness. Her impression sounded agreeable, but then would that mean his comments about the party were all lies? _Was he truly surprised? Did he really care if anybody came? Did he want me here at all?_

_"Are you coming?"_ Takeru's voice was clear in his mind as he shut his eyes. He could accept that fact that he could do such a thing to him. To cause him feel gullible to his simple words…

_"Takeru-kun?"_

_"Hmm?"_

_"It's your birthday, isn't it?"_

_"Yeah… Pretty much."_

_"What are you hoping to get today?"_

_ "I don't want anything."_

Ken recollected their conversation earlier. Remembering this made his heart turn. Furious, he clinched his teeth, realizing that may not have been true either. He should have known that he had lied. Why didn't he? _You did want something, didn't you?  What is it? What could you possible want in the world?_

"Ken-kun?" The older teen broke his train of thought, snapping out of his daze. Concerned, he wanted to ask if he was feeling alright. Although if he did, Yamato perfectly knew he would avoid answering the question to of worry him. "So, are you going to answer my question? What does Takeru mean to you?"

The raven hair boy wanted to dodge this inquiry, but how? This older blond could read his actions like a book. Even he lied, Yamato would know. Shaking his head, he did not wanted resort to such an action. There was enough lies in their midst and if he wanted to understand himself as well as the Child of Hope, the lies and false identities must stop. Releasing a sigh, he finally replied. "Takeru is my means of salvation from the troubles in my life. For some sort of reason, I feel that, even though he understands me, there's more to him… Who is this person with different attitudes towards everything? His different personalities…Why do they exist? He's so mysterious to me and yet I had told him more things about myself today than I ever had to anyone else…"

"Ken-kun…"

"That's why I want to know more about Takeru… I want to know."

**END OF CHAPTER FIVE**

**Author's Notes:**  
YAY!!! I finally gave Yamato some dialogue this time. Not only that, he gets to play the suspicious brother. XD About the background of the Teenage Wolves in this series… Well, in this scenario, the Teenage Wolves hit Japanese stardom during Yamato's second year of junior high. By the time he was in his third year of junior high, they got their first record deal and thus at age 16, Yamato became an official J-rocker when their first single was release after his junior high graduation. So Yama-kun didn't go to high school, but he had been part of the Teenage Wolves for about three years. That's something to be proud about! XD

Oh, about the Japanese school bit. In the conversation Ken and Yamato discussed how the students act. And believe me, Japanese school bullying is way more extreme than here in America. There are some really cruel kids out there who, not only put down others who are struggling, beat the crap out of their peers literally. The victims are kicked around on the ground, locked up somewhere or maybe even worse. Their belongings are vandalized or destroyed. Things like these do occur and may drive students to become suicidal or terribly violent. Sadly to say, counseling students isn't a strong point of the Japanese school system, especially when radical students revolt against the faculty. Personally, I'm glad in some aspects that I live here in America. That'll be too scary for me to go through.


	6. Memory 06: Make a Wish

**[Heaven's Wish]**  
_Memory 06 - Make a Wish_  
_revised March 16, 2003_

_This feels uncomfortable._  
_To be surrounded by strangers…_  
_To be here for a stranger…_  
_I'm not real to them._  
_After all, my life is a lie._  
_Why are they here?_  
_How important am I to them?_  
_Am I forever trapped behind my own walls?_  
_Why can't I destroy my mask? Why do I keep it?_

Grabbing a black tie from the linen drawer, Takeru slipped it under his collar and wrapped it around his neck. With the common knot, he pulled the end of the tie to push up the knot close to his neck. As he gazed at the mirror, the blond was fully prepared to leave the room. Sighing, he was fixated at his reflection as it stared back at him with a smile across its face. Shaking his head, he wondered how long he would allow himself to be a carefree junior high student towards everyone else. Lies… Lies… Lies… They consumed his life for quite some time. They keep growing no matter how much he wished to erase them from his life. It's not only the facade he had created but the lies everyone else had made for him. Rumors that had became truth in one's perspective… There was plenty to go around. These people who he knew played with his identity even more so and thus the real him disappeared in the abyss of wishful thinking.

Setting aside his school attire, the Bearer of Hope took in a deep breath. He wanted to abandon his life, to destroy the Takeru Takaishi that plagued his heart. But people want him to exist, not the original Takeru. The real him slowly ebbed away from his soul and now this golden haired boy must live a life that was no longer his. Others owned his life. He was not the sole owner of his life anymore. Everyone had shaped him into the perfect being; he might just have to accept it for now.

As he reached into his folded pair of pants, he pulled out his medication and slipped them into his black slacks. He should just forget about his wants and needs. After all everyone was waiting for him. He shouldn't delay the party any further. Reaching for the doorknob, he turned it carefully as he exited his brother's room.

Stepping into the hallway, there was a loud piercing roar of screams in the apartment complex from the various girls invited, some who he had no idea of their very existence. They clustered around him with glee, asking if he had a girlfriend and telling him how handsome he was. This sort of attention wasn't the type he was hoping for, but then again, how could he escape it?

Sighing, he allowed the pack of rabid females to grab his arms and drag him away from his dark corner. Even if he refused, Takeru knew they would force to him anyway. Noticing his brother, Yamato was sitting with Ken Ichijouji, the golden haired boy glanced in their direction as a blank expression feel upon his face. It was strange. Ken hadn't been around for a while and yet, he had been approaching everyone with ease. Why couldn't he open up his emotions as easy as the raven haired boy? What clouded his judgment to not be able to? Was he so focused on keeping his facade more than exposing the truth? Was he that egotistical?

The blond _bishounen_ realized that the Bearer of Kindness was now talking to his elder brother. For what reason, he didn't know. But something about the situation made him feel flustered. _What's this odd feeling? Why do I feel offended when Ichijouji-kun is talking to someone else other than me? When he talks to me, I feel fine about it… So why? Why do I feel this way?_

Takeru blinked as he snapped himself out of his thoughts. Why should he care? He should be happy that the other boy is trying to deal with his issues with everyone else's help. At least, he attempts to solve his problems unlike him. The dark haired boy wants to defeat the darkness that dwells in his heart while the blond angel falls deeper into it. He allows his problems to control his life... Control his heart of hearts.

Unconsciously gazing, the golden haired teenager's eyes drifted as he felt perplexed by the other boy's appearance. His light skin and feminine face… That slim body… Those mysterious amethyst crystal eyes… Something about them lured his mind and soul as if the raven hair boy's spirit was a siren. But why…? What about him made his stomach turn? What about him made his heart ache? He felt like his entire body was twisted into knots more and more as he continued to stare openly at him. Why did he suddenly recognize the boy's marvelous beauty? Did he feel something for this fallen angel that lives on the same Earth as him?

He hadn't thought about this until today. Strangely, it had occurred on the same day Ken had reappeared in their lives after isolating himself for days. It occurred on the same day they had first communicated to each other privately on their own. It occurred on his birthday. How ironic it was that he had experienced this on the same day of his birth. The blond teenager never knew such feelings that could overwhelm him so until now. It was strange and yet reassuring. Why though? Has God been watching him? Crying for him out of compassion…? Did He felt guilty for this lost angel wandering hopeless for his freedom?

Rubbing his temple, Takeru sighed as he tried to resist searching more into his emotions. The more he concerned himself with such matters, the more he felt his innocence gradually dying. To try to comprehend whether or not he have some intimate feelings for the Bearer of Kindness was distressing. After all, if he were to continue on that path, then it would prove that he is a sinner. To love one of the same gender… Was he capable to do such a thing? The golden haired teen shook his head in doubt. _No…I can't be attracted to Ichijouji-kun. There's no way in the world I could be. We aren't even close. We aren't! So why do I feel something so strong emitting from him? How big is the gap between us? Does this gap difference even exist? What is it that disturbs me so? What is it?!_

His consciousness screamed as he fell deeper into his heart. It was frustrating for him to accept such an absurd inkling. He wanted to reject its existence but it continues to envelope in his thoughts. If only he could erase any reminder of it, but it existed among him in the crowded, sweltering room. The reminder that intrigued his mind was Ken Ichijouji. As long as he was in the same room as the blond, how could he possibly forget? How could he possibly run away from it?

To run away… His soul winced. Was he such a coward to not confront his emotions? Did he want to abandon all connections to his humanity? No… He feared feeling anything. As far as he knew, when his heart grew attached to another being, he would be stricken with sadness if he were to be hurt. He was abandoned and forgotten by the ones he had cared deeply for. The golden haired angel had always believed his family would be united again, but in the end, that had no occurred. He had given up on that idea when he reached junior high. When his elder brother, Yamato had gotten strictly involved with his band, The Teenage Wolves, Takeru felt a terrible pain that ate away the love he felt. He felt as if he was thrown to the side and lost all importance to his parents and brother.

Not only that, when Hikari and Daisuke started to hang out more after the end of their relationship, he knew this was not the world for him. Family… Friends… He became a lost memory to him. Still, when he was at his worst, no one even bother coming to visit him to ask him about his condition or whether they could help in any way. No… They kept their distance. Perhaps, it was better that way. To be left alone… They can always watch him from afar, but the silence was not comforting. It cannot hold you or calm one's spirit forever. It becomes frighteningly scary to be in such isolation. Even so, the silence does not bother him with trivial discussions. It does not hurt him any way. It's just there, existing with him.

"Hey Takaishi!" A forceful tap woke him out of his trance. The Bearer of Hope blinked as he noticed Daisuke standing before him with a zestful grin.

"Oh!" was all Takeru could say at the moment. "'Sup, Daisuke-kun."

"Check you out! You're already drawing all the chicks' attention," he teased. "Aren't you some babe magnet tonight." The spiky hair teen gave a cheerful chuckle as he elbowed the blond.

"I don't do it intentionally, y'know."

"Must be something that runs in the family," Daisuke laughed.

Rubbing his head, Takeru shrugged as he played along. "Yeah, must be."

Suddenly, Hikari appeared beside the spiky hair boy as she locked her arm around his. Giggling as she leaned on him, she joined in the conversation. Her beautiful brunette hair draped over Daisuke's windbreaker like water flowing over a fall and her delicate fingers clamped over his sleeve. Their open intimacy was just another reminder what was he missing out of. "We're going to bring out the cake now!" she cheered for she had a strong love for sweets because of Daisuke making her a sugar addict.

Takeru tried to act spontaneously cheerful for what they had done for him, but his heart was not in it. Although he could appear happy all he want, he tortured him to expose his true feelings to the world. The golden hair boy had been hiding his pain and suffering for so long. It's simply amazing how long he had lasted up until now.

"Oi, Takashi! Coming or what?" Daisuke asked as he headed towards the dining area. The Bearer of Hope blinked as he nodded blankly.

"Yeah, I'm coming," he uttered in such a dull tone.

_Why can't I feel happy anymore? What does it feel like? When does it occur? What makes it exist? Why do people laugh or smile? I don't remember what it was like… I don't remember it at all...! _

Takeru took his place at the head of the table as everyone surrounded him. There before him was a mocha-frosted rectangular cake with sliced almonds splattered on its sides. With chocolate-tipped waffle cookies driven in its corners and coffee brown sprinkles on the edges, it was such a gorgeous birthday cake. On top were fluffy swirls of chocolate syrup and whip cream that intertwined towards center. The candles were filed in orderly fashion and last in the center said, "Happy Birthday Takeru" in his native tongue.

The boy's lips parted as he was entirely astonished by its beauty. Releasing a small laugh out of surprise, the Bearer of Hope gazed upon his friends. He didn't know what to say to them for his mixed feelings developed in his heart. Whether he could love them or not was beside the point. The point was they had gone out of their way to do this for them. Did they expect something in return? Do they want something more extravagant on their birthday? He didn't know if there was a hidden objective, but he rather not think about it. He should enjoy their presence before the day ends. He should at least appreciate it.

"Alright!" Taichi exclaimed as he raised his hand. Takeru almost forgot that the old Chosen Children were also invited to his birthday as well as Miyako and Iori.

_I should thank them out of courtesy. It'll be nice to talk to them again…_The blond teen nodded to himself in response to his thoughts as a tiny smile emerged over his face.

"And a-1 and a-2…!" Yamato started and in unison, everyone within the Ishida apartment room sang to the Bearer of Hope the traditional birthday song. It was heartwarming to him for some apparent reason. He had heard the song so many things, but strangely enough, this was more meaningful. Takeru didn't understand why after all that he had experienced today, but it felt wonderful.

"Make a wish, Takeru-kun!" Hikari joyfully suggested.

_A wish…? What could I possibly want? What is something that I don't have that would mean the world to me? There are so many things, but I know what I really want in my life… _The blond teen eyed the raven haired boy that stood beside his brother. Ken blinked as his skin crawled by the other boy's intense stare. He wanted to step back in fear and yet the angel's sapphire eyes cried out to him. They were reaching out to him and only him. As strange as it may sound, the Bearer of Kindness was too staring back unconsciously. It felt right in his heart. To be only seen by these eyes… To be only seen as the real him by these eyes… He smiled with contempt in return, which surprised Takeru mentally. Although his face did not reveal this, that boy's expression certainly caught his expression.

Shaking his head, the blond teen took a deep breath. At that moment, Takeru leaned his body over to blow out the candles. Slowly each flame was extinguished off every candle. Flickering and suddenly dying, the lights disappeared. Out of breath, he panted softly.

"What did you wish for, Takeru?" Yamato asked calmly.

"No, Yamato-san! If Takeru-kun says it out loud, then it won't come true!" Hikari blurted in rebellion. Waving his hands to calm her, he allowed his curiosity to be restricted by the chestnut haired girl.

"Hikari-chan, you certainly like to take everything to the extreme, don't you?" Daisuke pointed out.

"Only because I was influenced by you, Daisuke-kun," she accused.

Scratching his head, Daisuke looked to the side in silence and he pondered about the blame. His eyes wondered towards the floor and were focused on his shoes. When his attention returned to the Bearer of Light, a cowardly look was painted over his complexion. "Oh yeah, I did!" he admitted lightly with a chuckle afterwards.

Hikari moaned as her shoulders softened. "Oh, you're the worst, Daisuke-kun!" Pouting, her eyes gave such a stern look as her lips scrunched together. The spiky boy sighed and gave her a comforting smile.

"Gomen, gomen…" He uttered as he wrapped his arms around his angel. Kissing her temple tenderly, it made her giggle as his luscious lips brushed across her skin.

"Oh…" Hikari sighed. "But that doesn't let you off the hook for influencing me to become an extremely strict person."

"Darn!" Daisuke joked as the two laughed without care. Returning their attention to Takeru, the spiky hair boy released Hikari from his grasp. "Anyway, looks like we're not going to find out that you wished for at all, Takaishi."

"Well, if my wish is well kept, then the chances of it becoming true would be a lot higher, right?" the golden haired teenager commented.

"That's the birthday spirit!" Hikari cheered.

"Hikari-chan, you make it sound like a holiday," Daisuke added.

Shrugging, Takeru wandered to the table of presents that were spread before the sofa. As he sat down, he picked one of the gifts up and analyzed its wrapping. The entire present was glistened with metallic silver with holographic balloons and confetti and topped with a violet fabric ribbon. It wasn't that small nor was it large. On the end of the ribbon, a small card was attached to it. In the inside, it said:

_To Takeru_

_I hope you have a wonderful 16th birthday. May your wishes and dreams be written upon the stars for everyone to see and for you to reach._

_Your friend,_  
_Ken Ichijouji_

The blond hair boy reread the words in a daze. There was something about it that had hit the core of his soul. Before he tried to interpret the meaning behind it, Hikari and Daisuke joined him as everyone else followed. As the guests encircled the area, the Bearer of Kindness stood afar and watched the mounds of people blockading the blond teen.

"Open it!" Miyako suggested, tired of the golden hair teen being mesmerized by the gift.

"Okay, okay…" The Bearer of Hope groaned by her impatience. As he carefully tore the decorative paper off the box, the blond teen unraveled a cubic plain white box. As he opened it, Takeru pulled a glass globe-shaped paperweight. The exterior was covered with carvings of stars and whirlpools of swirls. Inside was filled with water mixed with random color tones of blue glitter and pieces of glow-in-the-dark stars.

"How pretty!" Sora admired. "Who gave that to you, Takeru-kun?"

But the Bearer of Hope did not answer for he had placed the gift aside. Silently, he grabbed the next present and repeated the same present like an automaton. As everyone continued to glare at him with concern, he finally answered as he set the gift in his hand on the table half undone. "It was Ichijouji-kun…," he simply said.

Everyone chattered by the raven haired boy's choice as a gift. Overhearing this monstrous blur of voices, Ken could only recognize his name being mentioned. The dark haired teenager was lost in the entire conversation and given up trying to follow where it lead to. The only thing he knew was that everyone else seemed to enjoy the beauty of his gift. That wasn't enough though. The glass orb was for the Bearer of Hope not for anyone else. If he did not like it, then it is worthless to him. Takeru said nothing about it nor mentioned it from that moment on.

The golden haired teen proceeded to unwrapping the rest of his birthday presents. Daisuke gave the 16-year-old a collection of poems by the boy's favorite writer, to in which surprised Takeru since Daisuke doesn't like reading Japanese literature, let alone to look at them. Miyako and Koushirou pitched in their money to buy the blond a Japanese-French-English language translator. The long hair girl threatened Takeru that he should use it well and not damage it. Of course, he had no objections against her ferocious rage. Jyou, being his precautious self, gave Takeru a first-aid kit with an army survival guide, which only cost him less than 3000 yen. Although he does not see Iori much, the youngest boy of the team managed to get the Bearer of Hope his own of kendo swords. The gentle child told Takeru that he is welcomed to learn for free from his grandfather, an offer he happily accepted.

Sora bought Takeru a black polyester trench coat for the upcoming winter season while Mimi got him the accessories that went with it, which the Bearer of Love could not afford with the amount of money she had at the time. And last, the blond teenager finally reached Yamato's present. "This is…?" he asked, hoping that his brother would fill him in on the details of the gift.

"Well, open it and find out," the older Ishida brother teased with a giddy grin. Takeru raised a brow in suspicion, hoping something terrible would not shoot out of the small, flat box. As he cleared off the wrapping, he carefully opened the case. Within it were four concert tickets and backstage passes, which were clearly labeled for the Teenage Wolves upcoming tour.

"Oh man…" his voice sounded amazed. "These are…"

"Yeah, they are. Since I'll be gone for a month or so because of this all-out Japan tour, I would not be able to spend anytime with you or be able to talk to you for that matter. By giving you these tickets and such, I'll be able to see you during the middle of the month at least when hold our concert here in Tokyo."

"Wouldn't you be able to hang out back home?" his younger brother asked.

In response, Yamato shook his head. "Sadly, no… Once the concert ends, we have only a few hours to ourselves and then we're back on the road."

Takeru was certainly depressed over the situation. He thought for sure he could stay much longer than that, but then again with stardom, there's no such thing as a personal life. He sighed gently as he nodded to his brother. "I understand… So I will see you then."

"Yeah…"

In contrast to his response to Ken's gift, Takeru had openly given his thoughts and thanks to everyone else – something the dark haired boy had yet to receive. Funny how this teenage boy could easily say whatever he wants to others and not to the Bearer of Kindness. What was it that made him different from everyone else? Why would Takeru shun him out? Did he mean less to the Angel of Hope? If only he knew the feelings and emotions had caused him to judge him this way.

****

"Looks like that's everyone…," said Taichi as he shut the apartment door and joined everyone at the sofa. The Chosen Children sat in all sorts of positions. From crossed-legs and sitting on the floor to reclining and slouching on a chair, they were compelled to relax after the party. The room was terribly cluttered with trash and pieces of fallen food, but they were too tired to clean it up. It just meant more chores for Yamato in the morning.

"Man, that was some party!" Daisuke remarked as he stretched his arms and laid his head on Hikari's lap. As he yawned, she softly giggled.

"Well, you kept eating all the junk food you could find, Daisuke-kun!" she tensed as she poked his cheek to show how pudgy he had gotten.

"It's not my fault the manufacturers make them taste so good." The spiky hair boy squirmed at the thought of food as he smacked his lips. 

"Daisuke, the only reason they make it taste so good is to render you poor!" Ken pointed out.

"Oh, I'm so weak against temptation~!!" He dramatically swoon his head back off the brunette's legs in defeat. The others laughed by his joyful act; it was quite tasteful. As they did, Takeru was picking up all the generous presents he had received and placed them in a humongous cardboard box. He silently dragged it into the elder Ishida's room without allowing his presence to be noticed. As he did, Yamato eyed him until he returned back to the group.

"So," Yamato uttered. "How did ya like your 16th birthday, Takeru?"

"It was really something," the younger blond simply answered. "I wouldn't have thought you guys would have all out just for my birthday. It was nice for change that I didn't receive anything similar like the previous years." Releasing a light chuckle, Takeru's face scrunched up as his lips curved.

"Well, I'm glad you liked it," the older Ishida brother beamed.

"Anyway, me and Hikari should be heading home now," Taichi interrupted as he stood up. As he was cleaning his slacks off from any particles of food and such, Hikari carefully nudged Daisuke off her legs so she could get up.

"I need to as well," Iori added as he gestured.

"Well, I think everyone should be heading home now, huh?" Takeru suggested, gazing at the clock in the room. "It's really late."

The others nodded in response, picking up their belongings or any food they would like to take home. Daisuke definitely took the offer to the extreme, stashing food onto at least five large paper plates. As everyone headed out and said their goodbyes, the only people who remained in the room were Yamato, Takeru and last, Ken.

"Do you need a ride home?" The older blond asked as he prepared to get his keys.

"No, you don't need to…," the raven haired boy murmured.

Glancing at the dark hair teen, Takeru held his breath. It was already around eleven o'clock, five hours since the party had started. Although he had called his parents much earlier, he believed, with teenage gangs and active violence roaming the streets, it wouldn't be safe for anyone to walk outside. Clenching his fists, Ken should not take such a great risk at such an hour.

"Hey, Ni-san… I'll walk Ken home," the golden haired boy suggested as he grabbed the brand-new black trench coat he had received from Sora from his older sibling's room.

"You sure?" his brother inquired as he raised an eyebrow.

"Takeru, you really don't need to," the Bearer of Kindness blurted.

"You're kidding. You really haven't see Tokyo at this time of day, have you?" he questioned.

"Takeru's right. It's pretty dangerous in some areas," Yamato agreed. "Okay then, but you need to—"

"Be extra careful…," the younger Ishida completed his brother's words. "Don't worry. I will be."

"Okay, see you later," the older blond waved as the two boys exited the room and left the apartment complex.

****

They strolled to the train station silently. Not a single word was uttered from both of them during the whole time. The quietness certainly made Ken a tad edgy, who expected more of the situation. After all, Takeru was the one who offered to walk him home. Technically, only to the train station as far as the raven hair boy knew. Whether or not he would follow him all the way home was still up to question.

The Child of Kindness twitched as the cold suddenly took its toll on him. As he rubbed his arms to warm himself up, he noticed the golden hair boy slipping off his black coat and draped it over his shoulders. Staring at him blankly, Ken stopped walking as of that moment.

"What's wrong?" Takeru wondered.

"How can you say that so loosely?" His amethyst eyes searched the concrete ground as people passed them in a rhythmic flow. 

"What do you mean?" he asked, trying to draw him away from the subject.

"Tell me, Takeru. Why do you act the way you are? I know I had asked something about this earlier. You're a lot different than how you want yourself to appear to be."

The blond blinked as the other boy had certainly hit a nerve. This raven angel could see through his transparent lies and barriers he had created to defy others. Since when?  Why can a stranger see him and his flaws so easily when he himself has yet to understand who he is and find meaning of his life. Is he the only one in this world who is too blind to see what he should do?

"I am different," Takeru finally admitted to him.

Ken's eyes widen by his sudden turn of heart. He usually tries to deny it so why he accepts it so easily. "Then why?"

"I think you know… Because you have probably done the same, Ken…"

"What?" He blinked, unaware what he truly meant behind it. What had he had done that could have been similar to Takeru's actions? Not only that, the blond teenage boy was addressing by his first name, which he had never often done. Just recently, he has been using it from time to time, but not often. What is he thinking right now? "What are you saying, that I have done the same…Acting differently?"

"Perhaps… You certainly act differently around me."

The Bearer of Kindness felt his fingers twitched, discovering that this pallid angel noticed his questionable actions and quirks. He let out an inaudible sigh and gazed at him cautiously. "How?"

"You cried involuntarily and uncontrollably a couple hours ago, if I'm not mistaken. You have problems and you came to me first, not Daisuke-kun. Why?"

Ken held his breath as the golden haired angel enclosed on him like a starving hawk. He had lured him into a corner where he laid trapped by his words. He questioned his unreasonable actions himself as well and still, he could not figure out why he did what he had done. "Takeru… I…"

"Hmm?"

"I came to you because Daisuke wouldn't understand," he lied. His best friend would comprehend his issues, but had forced himself to believe that he did not. The raven haired boy felt guilty on how he approached his situation, for not admitting everything right then and there to the spiky hair teenager. Even so, hearing Daisuke's advice wouldn't have meant as much for he had not experienced his level of pain.

"Why do you believe that?"

"Because you hide your feelings as much as I do!" he noted in such a strong courageous voice. The boy's teeth gritted after he released such uproar. Breathless, Ken awaited his response.

Takeru just stared at him silently in response to his accurate accusation. He was hiding away from everyone. He wanted them to ignore his problems, but also he wanted to be seen for who was. Contradicting his passionate obligation, how can he gain the appropriate attention when he is cowardly hiding away his emotions and barricading himself from others? He wants everyone to ask how he was, but rather not have them poking around more than they should. What does he truly want from the people he had lived among for so long? Does he want their company or does he want to be abandon and left alone for all eternality?  

"We both hide our feelings, huh…," Takeru echoed as his cerulean eyes became distant. "You wanna know something?"

"What?" The raven hair boy asked curiously as he looked at him blankly.

"My birthday wish was to destroy the fake me living in this world, but it seems you already knew I was a lie…"

"Takeru…"

"Why are you trying to understand me, Ichijouji-kun? Why are you so bent on finding out the truth behind my mask? Why?"

"Why? I've been asking myself that all night, but I think I had figured it out. It's because you had seen me cry…You have heard me listing out my problems… I told you almost more about what's really going on in my life than anyone else. It's because of these reasons that I want to learn more about you. Who are you, Takeru Takaishi? Just who are you to me…?"

**END OF CHAPTER SIX**

**Author's Notes:**  
Well, well… This got to be one of the longest chapters of this series. The more, the merrier. XD Well, the Takeru's birthday is finally almost going to end. I didn't know how long I can keep up writing about the party so I finally allowed it to end. I got to move on to more other things in this series, especially since there's going to be a huge twist. I was going to talk about Takeru's past and how come he takes anti-depressants but I think I'll cover it when I get more in depth with Takeru and Ken's relationship.

Oh and some minor notes. The description of the cake is one of many possible French cakes you can buy. They're really good! The inside is white or yellow cake with some fruit filling. If you want to know what fruit filling was in Takeru's birthday cake, it was strawberry. : P Yeah, I really think about these things too much. 

Also, the scene with Yamato, Takeru and Ken… Yamato does not own a car. He owns a slick, black, sporty motorcycle. Why a motorcycle? Well, Yama-kun doesn't get many passengers. It's always him and Takeru. :p Anyhoo, read and review, everyone and thank you for all the who have followed this series so far. You know who you are. ;)


	7. Memory 07: Not Ever

**[Heaven's Wish]**  
_Memory 07 - Not Ever_  
_revised March 16, 2003_

_The words escaped my mouth._  
_I can't hold in anymore…_  
_If I do, I feel like I will drown in sorrow._  
_I don't want to feel sad…_  
_But whatever I do, it turns out that way._  
_How can I stop it all?_  
_How can I no longer feel lost?_  
_Please hear me… Please guide me…_  
_I think you are the only one who can…_

Ken stared immensely at the blond teenager before him as he held tightly onto the trench coat, which he had placed over his shoulder earlier. A silence grew between them after the Child of Kindness's words. It was so nerve-breaking. To not know what the other boy was feeling at the moment… It made the raven hair teen's heart trembled. It's funny how this boy gave him warmth and yet right now, the golden hair angel had such a cold complexion upon his face. Whatever he gives to other seems to be the opposite of what he truly feels. But how can he be positive that is what dwells in him? How can he be sure? If only he would answer him…

The anxiety of the wait made Ken's heart turn. Takeru had said nothing in the last thirty minutes. Suspenseful as it was, the Child of Kindness did not anticipated himself patiently waiting for a response. He wanted an immediate answer, but did not want to push him say something that could be a lie. Why did he allow himself to act this way towards him? Why does he treat the blond teen differently? He was usually impatient when it comes to such simple questions. Daisuke is a good example for such instances. If the goggle boy did not answer, Ken would drive it out of him. So why is so hard for him to accept silence over an actual response? Is because Takeru is the only person he knew that lied to him, let alone to everyone? Why did it affect him so much? Why does it hurt him to know that he has been lying about himself all this time? Perhaps, that is the reason why he is able to wait for a clear response no matter how long it would take. 

Crossing his arms, Takeru sighed, abruptly destroying the silence for a moment. Burying his hands into his pockets, he strolled ahead of him, creating a gap between the two of them. Wordlessly, Ken followed, feeling disappointed by the Child of Hope's approach towards the situation. The golden hair boy had told him that he wanted to eliminate the false representation of himself and yet he still hides away behind his mask. Why?

Why every time this boy opens up to him, he shuts him out immediately? Why is he so afraid to expose the real him? Is there something else that the Child of Kindness did know? Was there such a cruel outcome that may result if he speaks truth? What was it exactly? What was it that made him keep his silence?

The more Takeru remain quiet, the more Ken became anxious to understand him. Questions… Questions… Questions… They flustered his mind and overcrowded his thoughts. He could not clear his conscious from his curiosity for it had completely dictated him. He wanted to relieve his heart's content but that would only occur if the blond angel would just say something… Anything… As frustrating as the situation is, the raven hair boy had to realize that the Child of Hope cannot change his ways within a short amount of time. These types of things takes time, he knew that. Even so, it was not comforting. After all, Takeru's emotions, feelings and actions were terribly different depending on the situation. The one thing that had disturbed him the most was that the blond teenager had kissed his tears away and acted as if it was a normal quirk.

Was it normal? Was it normal for a young teenage boy to approach the situation like that? Ken had not interpreted the moment until now. The emotions that dwelled in his heart when he was in Takeru's arms… His bodily warmth… His delicate touch… His tender, luscious lips… He wanted it all, to feel them all. The raven hair teenager blinked, aware about his perverted thoughts. Why did he felt so attached to Takeru? Why did he felt safe within the angel's grasp? Why did he want him?

Biting his lips, the Child of Kindness did not know what to think anymore. At first he was more focused on changing his reputation to appear less of a prodigy and more like the real him. From that, the raven hair boy had digressed from his original intentions for himself and found something much deeper than his own problems. He found Takeru's false self. Ken wanted to destroy the fake lie that golden hair teenager has been living as much as he wanted people to know the real him. In the process, he wanted Takeru to be involved in his life somehow.

Why? Why did he want Takeru so much? Why did he seem so appealing to his heart? Was he attracted to the blond angel? Ken held his breath in response to the thought. It did not occurred to him until he recollected that he wanted to touch his soft skin. _It doesn't make any sense. I had never felt anything towards him, but why do I feel so reassured when I talk to him? Why do I want to talk to him? Why do I want his company? Why…? Why did I enjoy being in his arms? Could I be…?_

"We're here…" Takeru's voice broke his train of thought. The Child of Kindness jumped, suddenly realizing that they were already at the train station. His amethyst eyes searched around to confirm that he was and glanced to the golden hair boy. He did not look at him. Instead, he stared forward, leaving no area for possible eye contact with Ken.

As he headed down the stairs, the Child of Hope paused in his tracks as he awaited the other boy. But the raven hair boy did not waver for he just stood there, staring that the other teenager's back. Clinching his fist, he could not allow himself to think otherwise about his emotions. It was difficult for him to accept, but it could be true. _I can't tell him…Not when I'm this close to knowing more about him. Forget what I am feeling. I shouldn't let it get to me. One thing at a time... I'll sort out my thoughts when I get home._

"Ichijouji-kun, what's the hold-up?" Takeru complained. "There are some people who like to go home… I.E. Me."

"Uh… Right!" Ken answered hesitantly. As the raven hair boy walked down the stairs, he stumbled all of a sudden and lost his footing. Gravity took its toll on him. His hair was flowing in midair as his body began to fall down the flight of steps. He did not cry out nor did he murmur anything. He stayed silent.

Turning around at the bottom of the stairs, Takeru noticed the Child of Kindness's body was suspended in midair. His deep ocean blue eyes widen as he became aware of the situation. On the spur of the moment, the blond teenage boy raced up the flight of steps, hoping to prevent him from getting hurt. As he did, Ken's body slammed onto his when Takeru caught him in his arms. The force of his fall caused Takeru to lose his balance as the two of them tumbled the rest of the way.

_SMACK!!!_ The golden hair boy landed on the side of his body with the Child of Kindness in his grasp. The blond's medication had slid out of his pocket after the accident though it did not occurred to him. Groaning, Takeru eyed the raven hair teen who he had cushioned his fall. Ken's face became flushed with red as he noticed how terribly close the blond angel was holding him. His fingers were clinched tight onto the black trench coat and his arms were trembling after enduring the hard crashing fall. Breaking out of his embrace, Ken checked on the other boy's condition.

"Are you alright?" The Child of Kindness asked, feeling incredibly at fault. Helping the golden hair boy to sit up straight, he placed his hand gently onto his shoulder.

"Yeah," Takeru managed to mumble out. "I think I'm okay…"

"I'm so sorry! I should have been more careful! I—"

Setting his hand over the other boy's, Takeru calmly held it within his. His clear sapphire eyes were unwavering. They gazed only at him, focused only on him. It was like there were no one else around them whatsoever. As Ken stared at his unhesitant eyes, his heart throbbed harder and harder as the seconds passed. He just wanted to spread his arms around him and hold him close to him. Restraining himself, he allowed himself to be captivated by the blond angel's beautiful starry eyes.

Suddenly, Takeru pulled him close his body, which simply surprised the raven hair boy. Slipping his fingers into the Child of Kindness's dark, silky hair, the blond teenage boy brought the boy's face close to his own. At that very moment, his gentle lips softly touched Ken's as they were sealed by a light kiss. The raven hair teen's heart jumped by the sudden feeling of the boy's tender lips. His body tingled as the delicate touch pumped his nerves.

Breathing softly, Ken's body moaned for more. It was so irresistible to not have that touch again. It was strange. He accepted it so easily like an addiction to a drug. It felt so good and satisfying. Never had he had felt so much pleasure. This sudden urge in him completely took over him, wanting more than just a small kiss. Trying to restrain desires, he could not allow himself to be controlled by such feelings, but unconsciously, he wrapped his arms around the other boy. Immediately, Ken allowed his lips to meet with Takeru's as he passionately kissed him in return. The blond did not retaliate against his action; he simply welcomed it.

As the raven hair boy pulled away, he heard Takeru sighed restlessly. Confused, the Child of Kindness did not know how the other boy would react. His eyes stared at the ground as he touched his lips lightly. _I don't know why, but I have feelings for you, Takeru. There's something about you that lures me. I want to know you… I want to talk to you… I want to touch you… I want to be with you…_

"Ichijouji-kun…," The Child of Hope finally uttered.

"Yeah?"

"Do not ever pull a stunt like that…," he coldly replied. His flat tone was terribly frightening. It was so dead and lifeless, nothing similar to Takeru's personality.

"What? Takeru, I—I…"

The blond teen cleared his throat as he pointed as the steps behind him. Ken's crystal violet eyes followed the direction of his arm and he blinked subtly. "I was talking about the stairs," he noted.

"Then… What about…?" Ken suddenly found him asking.

"You asked me who am I to you, didn't you?" The golden hair boy shot back.

"Yeah, I did."

"Well, now you know."

The raven hair teenager stood there quietly, wondering if the other boy's actions were nothing but a test of emotions. Sure, he wanted to know Takeru, but not like this. Was all this act of kissing meaningless? Was it all for play? By doing so, he did realize his feelings for him but how it was approached was so wrong and disturbing. What if he did not feel any attraction towards him whatsoever and the blond Chosen Child had kissed him? Then what? Then again, if he did not have any feelings for him, Takeru wouldn't have done such a thing, would he?

"Takeru?" He wanted to ask. No matter what was the consequence, he had to know. He has the right to know. He shouldn't allow himself to feel like this, if he is not going to return them. "Then, what about you? What am I to you?"

The blond teenage boy rubbed his temple as he pondered the fact himself. Within a short moment's time, he answered, "I don't know exactly… I have yet to figure it out." He said no more and had left it at that. Ken found it surprising that the other boy was able to comply without hesitation about something as controversial as this, but he was unable to speak about himself. Perhaps… Just perhaps, he could change all with due time.

"We better get going…" Ken realized.

"Yeah."

As Takeru got up onto his feet, the two teenage boys left the area and headed deep within the train station. Unknowingly to the Child of Hope, his medication still remained at the bottom of the flight of stairs, hidden by the darkness.

****

The train ride home was tremendously quiet. The car was entirely vacant. The clean panels and the rough metal textures surrounded the raven hair boy as he sat beside the blond. Apparently, the Child of Hope insisted him to come along to keep him company. Even though he had joined him kindly, his presence was so uncomfortable. He stared out of the window carefree, acting as if their kiss was nothing. Was he thinking? Was he trying to understand? If only he knew what he was feeling…

Takeru had a blank, dull expression across his face. His eyes were so distant, not looking at him or anything else except what was outside. What was so wonderful outside in a train tunnel that was so mesmerizing to the golden hair boy? Looking over the blond's shoulder, Ken searched to see what he found so fascinating. 

There, lying on the corner of the window panel was a firefly. Its illuminating body slowly faded in and out like a flickering light bulb. It glow a soft yellow tone upon Takeru's face. The delicate warm light contrasted his mood. If only he felt happy, then it would make everything ever so perfect for him.

Noticing the raven hair boy's reflection upon the Plexiglas, Takeru glared the Child of Kindness through his transparent self. Raising his eyebrow, he asked, "What is it?"

Ken's amethyst eyes lowered as he felt he should just keep his silence. Sighing, he returned his gaze back into the empty car. As he did, the blond teenage boy followed as well, wondering what could have been the problem. "How can you ask me that so loosely?" The dark hair boy replied as he slouched over his knees.

"What are you talking about?"

"You know pretty damn well what I'm talking about, Takeru!"

The golden hair boy stared at him with an odd look spread across his face. He blinked in response, knowing nothing about what he was talking about? Was he so dense to see other people's feelings as much as his own? Has he confined himself so much that he forgot was it meant to feel anything at all? What have he done that seemed so offending to the other boy? This he did not knew… Funny how to could be seen as a top student, but is a failure when it comes to life itself…

"It's about what happened earlier, isn't it?" he guessed.

"Yes, of course it is! How can you act like it never happened? How can you act like you never hold me or kiss me? Why do you act like this? What are you afraid of?"

Afraid… What was he so afraid of? Was he afraid to begin with? Why did he allow himself to hide away in the darkness corner? Why do force himself to wear his mask of falseness when it was he who wanted to stop living a lie? The blond teenager did not notice this impacted others, let alone this boy beside him. Did they start to recognize his flaws without his knowing? What were the walls he had created that barricaded him from the world where freedom lies?

Rubbing his temple as he closed his eyes, the golden hair boy uttered, "Everyone…"

"Huh…? Everyone?" Ken echoed, astonished by his remark.

"I'm afraid of everyone. Are you happy now?" Takeru shot back.

"But why? Why do you fear everyone?"

"Their thoughts… Their opinions… Their views… I don't know them. I truly don't know anyone as much as myself," he admitted. His cerulean eyes widen as he realized he was confessed his suffering aloud. Looking away from Ken, he stared the floor, wishing to say no more.

"Are you afraid of being close to anyone?" The Child of Kindness wondered.

"Do I appear to be?" the blond asked in return to avoid answering the question.

Ken leaned back as he supported his head with his arms. Looking at the plain ceiling of the car, he softly replied, "Yeah, I think you do…"

The raven hair boy's response to his inquisition surprised him as of that moment. He was not aware that he may have such a fear towards people. After all, he is well-active at school through extracurricular activities. He interacts with other peers all the time. So why…? Why Ken believes that he was afraid of having a close relationship? Was it because this boy had discovered that he has been lying all this time? Was he afraid of people unable to accept his true self? Is it because he did not wanted to be hated? Why? What was it that made him this way? If only he could understand…

"Maybe, I am…" Takeru thought aloud.

"How come?"

"I don't want to be hated… If I were to love someone, I'm afraid that I would get hurt, I suppose…," he admitted. Maybe it was his childhood that affected his views about the world the most. How can he accept love when it resulted in his family being separated? He believed love, no matter what, would solve everything, but in the end, it had destroyed him. Love did not allow his parents to look beyond their wrongs. Love did not exist and it never will. He lost hope in it and he knew it. His heart turned by the thought of his parents' divorce. _Why…? Why does it always lead to that? Did it affect me that much? I really don't know anymore… I really don't know what I feel anymore…_

"None of us like to be hated, Takeru…," Ken replied.

"No, of course not."

"I feel like there are people who hate me, but they don't say anything about it."

"Why would hate a person like you?" The Child of Hope asked, doubting the fact. The other boy's made his heart throbbed by the mysterious meaning behind his question. Blushing, he tried to hide his face away from the golden hair teen subtly.

"I don't know, but I feel that they exist…"

"The only possible reason for them to hate you is because they don't understand you. Personally, they should not have the right to prejudge someone they don't know."

"Did you prejudge me once?" The raven hair teenage boy questioned innocently.

"Yeah…," Takeru confessed. "But that was because I didn't know you well."

"So what do you think about me now? Am I different from what you originally thought?

Standing up, the blood teenager placed his hand on the railing near the exit. Leaning his head against the pole, he sighed lightly as he tried to sort out the correct words to say. With his back facing the dark hair boy, Takeru glared the end of car in a daze. Ken stared at him silently, waiting for his response. As he did, he admired the boy's handsome figures. His golden strands of hair… His clear, ocean blue eyes – sparkling by the train's lighting… His broad shoulders and fine body… He was such a breathtaking view. Shaking his head, Ken attempted to stay focus for the sake of learning more about Takeru. He shouldn't allow his emotions to blind his curiosity.

Letting out a tired sigh, the Child of Hope finally answered, "You are a lot differently from what I originally thought you to be…"

"How so?"

"You're gentle," he simply replied with a smile over his face. Ken held his breath in response to the boy's answer. It was entirely unexpected to hear this from the other boy. The words echoed in his mind: _You're gentle… _His deep violet eyes widen as he realized that his brother, Osamu had told him the same thing once long ago. Is it possible that his blond angel could understand him as much as his decease brother? Could he find his lost self that he could not retrieve entirely? Perhaps, this angelic being before is the key to his happiness.

"Do you really think so?"

"Absolutely… Ichijouji-kun, you're the gentlest person I have ever known and nothing will ever change that."

"Even if I become hateful?"

Takeru shook his head slightly. Turning around, he gazed at the raven hair boy with the most sincere expression upon his face. He was so calm despite what was the mood, and for that, Ken simply admired his discipline. "I don't think you're capable to bring yourself to hate others, not ever…"

The Child of Kindness blinked in response to his heartfelt words. His comment was so touching to hear, especially from him. It really meant something to him. _If only you could talk to me like more often… I want to open up to me. I want to hear what you think, what you are going through… I want to hear them all. I want to know… I want to know more about you, Takeru… Will you tell me someday?_

****

The two teenage boys finally arrived at the Ichijouji residence. Standing before the front door, the raven hair boy felt awkward that Takeru went all this way just for him. Although the blond does not understand his feelings at the time, it was obvious to him that the angel was overprotective. For what reason, that still laid in mystery. This boy's emotions were wrapped in such a complicated enigma. Did Takeru have any affectionate feelings to him at all? Were any of them real? The Child of Kindness must wait will all due time. Only then, he would find out to confirm whether he does or not.

As the dark hair teen pulled out his pair of keys, his eyes glanced to the other boy beside him, who was leaning against the hallway wall. With his arms crossed, Takeru appeared half-sleep. His head drooped and his eyes lowered, causing the raven hair boy to feel guilty. To travel such a long way and go back… He shouldn't allow him to return home this late at night. "Takeru…?"

"Hmm…?" he murmured softly.

"Thanks for escorting me home."

"No problem…," Takeru uttered as he propped himself straight up.

Carefully, Ken unlocked the door and turned the knob. Pushing the door open, he glared back the blond. With a small yawn, the golden hair boy began to walk away from him, leaving him standing alone in front of his apartment.

"Hey, Takeru…!" The Child of Kindness called out.

"Yeah?" he replied as he slightly nudged his head to the side in response.

"You wanna come in? It's pretty late and it's a long trip back to Odaiba."

"Thanks for asking, but I'll be fine…"

"Are you sure? It's alright passing midnight."

"Well if it makes you feel better, I'll stay over for the night, 'kay?"

Just like that, the blond angel returned back to him by his wish and entered his abode slightly. He was too groggy to argue against him at the moment. As he did, Ken followed from behind. Closing the door as they proceeded in, the raven hair boy heard a thump in the dark. Quickly, he turned the lights on, wondering where the sound came. And there on the sofa was Takeru, who apparently flopped over the couch immediately when he found it.

He had such a peaceful face when he slept. There was no evidence of pain across his complexion whatsoever. His bangs shadowed over his eyes as he lay upon his side. He appeared so calm and childlike. It was such a beautiful sight to see after all that had happened today. Sighing, Ken slipped off the black trench coat, which the blond had draped over him from before, and gently shrouded it over him to keep him warm for the night. Before he went to his room, the raven hair boy whispered to his ear. "Thank you…"

And so he left him by his lonesome and entered his room to rest for the night.

_In one day, I had become weak. In one day, I had found you. In one day, I had cried. In one day, I told you everything there is to me. In one day, I want to know about you. In one day, I touched you. In one day, I want to be with you. In one day, I fell in love… Not ever I consider it would be you. Not at all… But I fell in love with you, Takeru…_

**END OF CHAPTER SEVEN**

**Author's Notes:**  
Whoo~!! So many things happen for these two lovebirds at the end of the night. XD First off, yay for Takeru for trying to spill his guts finally! He does realize he has feelings for Ken, but he feels that he shouldn't give in. After all, he has a huge problem expressing his feelings as well as understanding himself. So he's totally lost. Although he is surrounded by others almost everyday, he still feels alone. You get the idea. As for Ken, well he really wants to change himself immediately instead of letting nature takes its course. This would backfire on him later on. Hadn't figure out how, but it will.

Takeru losing his anti-depressants will definitely be mentioned next chapter. Kenny-boy is going on a huge roller coaster ride when he finds out why he needs them and when he started taking them! Hahaha! Going be lots of flashbacks in that one! Anyhoo, read and review and see you next chapter!!! ^_^


	8. Memory 08: The Endless Dream

**[Heaven's Wish]**  
_Memory 08 - The Endless Dream_  
_revised __March 30, 2003_

_It's dark here…  
I am blinded by black…  
Where am I? Am I alone here?  
What's this bitter coldness I feel?  
I heard a voice…So gentle… So beautiful…  
Why do I feel suddenly relieved?  
Who was that? Who thanked me?  
It is so familiar…  
It makes me alive…But why? Why?_

Tossing around in his sleep, Takeru could not allow his mind to drift in the middle of the night. Mumbling and groaning, he struggled to find his calm so he could finally rest. It had been like this for quite some time although he had yet to confess his sleeping disorder to anyone. He had held the fact solely to himself despite he perfectly understood that his condition has worsen with time. Droplets of cold sweat leaked out of his damped forehead as he turned once again. Was there no end to his troubles? Couldn't he sleep? What was it that had disturbed him for so long?

The Bearer of Hope winced as he buried his face into the depths of the sofa. His head began to throb with every passing minute. The pounding… It echoed in his mind in a percussionist pattern. _Thump… Thump… Thump… _His headache grew and grew, piercing his nerves and his thoughts. It was like a thousand needles were shot into his brain and hammered in with a striking force. It hurt… It was tormenting… Was it supposed to be this bad? Was it normal for his mind to quake in result of his medication?

The blond teen tried to ponder the idea, but he was not able to hear his thoughts clearly. Unable to endure the pain in his head, his sapphire eyes flashed open as he gasped. Sitting up, he raised his hand over his forehead to wipe off the beads of sweat upon his forehead. Each droplet fell down his face and bled through the back of his hand. As he rubbed his temple, Takeru rested his elbows onto his knees and slouched over. He noticed that his black trench coat slipped off his body as he eyed it on the couch. Staring at the thick coat, he blinked in response._ What's this doing here? _He wondered._ I gave it to-_- The Bearer of Hope paused at the thought and a smile crept upon his face. Was this what you meant by 'Thank you', Ken?

He softly chuckled in the darkness of the living room. That raven haired teen certainly was engulfed by kindness. After all that had happened, he still was able to display such a gentle attitude. Even with his own pain hanging in the balance, he allowed himself to aid others before himself. He was like Hikari and yet somewhat similar to him as well. _A part of him…_ Takeru pondered. _Am I a part of him? Is he a part of me…? _The blond teenager shook his head in doubt. Why did he always assume such ideas about the Bearer of Kindness? Why did he focus only on him recently? Why…? Why is he so flabbergasted by the boy's presence? He had been asking himself this so many times in a day.

_"Then, what about you?__ What am I to you?"_

His conscious recollected those particular words that Ken had said earlier. Takeru's cerulean eyes became dull and distant as his mind drifted concerning the other boy's question. What did the Bearer of Kindness mean to him? What about him caused him to be perplexed by his existence? Lowering his eyes, he felt empty. A dark void grew in his heart as he became concerned about the issue. _How do I know? How do I know what he means to me? Do I care about him? Do I worry? There's something I cannot find in others that exists in him? But what is it? I don't know what I'm feeling but it feels confusing… I can't put it into words. It's just confusing that it hurts._

He wanted to seek the answers, yet he was also afraid to. What if he was to discover his feelings once again, then what? What would he do after that? How would he use this information? What will happen afterwards…? Releasing an inaudible sigh, he did not want to dwell on the idea. He was alone. He was better off by his lonesome than in the presence of others. The golden haired angel did not want to hurt another person or himself. It should be that way… It should be…! But why? Why do I not feel contempt about being alone? _Do I really want others' company? Do I really need them? What do I want? What do I need? Am I able to be satisfied just with nothing? I want them to notice the real me… I want to be recognized not as who I appear to be. Yet there's something else…There's something more than I want than acceptance of my true self and nature. I just don't know what..._

Looking over his shoulder, Takeru focused on the hallway of the Ichijouji residence. Silently, he rose upon his feet and carefully tiptoed across the room to the hallway. Within the golden haired boy's view was a bedroom door at the very end. Pacing ever so quietly, he reached the front of the raven haired teenage boy's room. It was closed. Glaring at the knob, the Bearer of Hope stood there idly. His fingers twitched as he felt more drawn to what lie behind it.

Extending his arm, he reached the doorknob carefully. As he turned it ever so gently, the blond swung open the barrier that existed between Ken and him. His ocean blue eyes wandered in the direction of the other boy's bed. Seeing him sleeping pleasantly, Takeru did not was to interrupt the Bearer of Kindness's rest because of his intrusion. Even so, he looked so pure and innocent. He was like a small child tucked in tightly with a contempt face spread across his face. Not even the troubles of the world could ruin such a delicate expression. His elegant, pale complexion and his streaming dark hair… Each strand flowed over his eyes like stokes of black paint. The blond pallid angel devoured the raven haired boy's irresistible beauty. How can he not feel drawn by this marvelous moment? If only he could stay to find out what he felt about the Bearer of Kindness. Before he shut the door on his way out, he whispered breathlessly, "_Oyasumi_, Ken…"

Returning to the living room, Takeru picked up his black trench coat as he let out a small yawn. As he slipped the thick, warm over himself, he checked the VCR nearby to discover what time was it. In a bright, neon green, it glowed 2:57 PM. Sighing, he tried to relax despite the time of day. The golden haired teen considered that his older brother, Yamato was worried about him at the moment. _I should head back before Ichijouji-kun wakes up. Ni-san is probably still up because of me. Damn, I should've called._

Shaking his head, the blond teenager reminded him that he was not at fault. After all, wouldn't Yamato feel more comfortable knowing that he was at a friend's house than lying around on the streets because a gang member bombarded him with the stranger's crew? _Yeah, telling him that would really make him feel calm…_He reminded himself in a sarcastic tone. Frankly, he had no other reason to stay here. He was awake -- perhaps not entirely, but awake at most.

There were no windows within the room as far as he knew. Regardless, he perfectly knew that outside would still be night. Risky as it was, he knew that the streets should be less crowded. Then again, this was Tokyo. It was always busy no matter what time of day. Before he was about to depart, he flicked on the kitchen light. Grabbing a pen and notepad near the telephone, Takeru began to jot down his thoughts onto the coarse paper. _Ichijouji would probably wonder where I have disappeared to if I've just left…_

With due time, the golden haired boy completed his short letter to the Bearer of Kindness. As he hanged the letter on the refrigerator with a star-shaped magnet, Takeru rubbed his temple as he felt an excruciating shot of pain thundering in his head. He groaned as he grabbed a glass cup. Filling the clear, fragile cylinder, the blond teenage boy took quick gulps of the icy water before placing the cup into the sink. At that very moment, the blond exited the Ichijouji residence and headed back to his father's and brother's apartment by his lonesome. _Why did I bother writing to Ichijouji-kun? Why was I concern if he would be worry? Would he be worried? Do I care about him that much than I thought? I really don't know what I'm feeling…Maybe… Just maybe, I can find out…If I know him better…_

Pacing home with haste, Takeru became incredible flustered by his actions. While Ken had his moments of unexplainable responses, he also had them as well. Sighing, he tried not to be disturbed. He had school within a few hours and should not allow himself to be bothered furthermore. He cannot allow himself to behave in a way that causes others to question. He cannot afford that. Although he wished to destroy the veil over the eyes of his peers, he would rather hide his personal feelings at the moment until he has a strong understanding. _One step at a time… People aren't going to accept something in one day. Time… Time is against me…_

He calmly continued to stroll in the direction of the train station, burying his hands in his coat's pockets. His eyes of sapphire crystals blinked as he was unaware that there was a note in his trench coat. Pulling it out, Takeru unfolded sharp flaps of the paper and read the letter out loud.

"Takeru-kun… Whether you realize it or not, I think you care. I think you really care about me if you kissed me. There's something between us and I hope you'll find out what it means to you…"

That was all that was written on the gray designer paper. It was not even signed, but Takeru had a pretty accurate idea who wrote the letter to him. Placing the letter back into its original location, the golden haired boy gazed blackly at the concrete ground as he cupped his half of his face with his hand. He simply replied, "Something between us, huh…You noticed that, too…"

****

Rustling in his bed, Ken did not want to get out of bed despite his alarm clock was blaring for over five minutes. Slamming his hand over the snooze button, the raven haired boy turned to his side and went back to sleep. To wake up now after such a good rest would destroy the endless dream he had in the last week. Groaning, he finally managed to get up after reasoning with himself. After all, school is school and the sooner he finish, the sooner he can explore the possibilities that lie in this world. Even so, this was reality. It's easier said than done.

Once he's within the school walls, it's just a reminder that the entrance exams are approaching soon as well. If only he could run away from it all. As he climbed out of bed, the raven haired teen quickly headed to his closet. Sliding it wide open, Ken pulled out his black ebony school uniform and laid them on his chair. While he was unbuttoning his pajama shirt, his amethyst eyes were fixated on the deep groove on his desk. He had forcefully scraped the tabletop the other day, he reminded himself. He almost forgot that he did. He was that stressed before he found that time to speak with his friends, especially Takeru.

For some sort of reason, Ken became more relieved by the pallid angel's presence and advice. It was what he really needed at the time. Even so, the dark haired boy was not able to feel satisfy after realizing the Bearer of Hope had been hiding his emotions for so long. After such a long span of isolation, the blond had become such an automaton towards others' wishes. To simply comply to them before himself was unheard of. But then again, he had done the same only because he feared that the public's view would discard him. _Surely, Takeru-kun feels that same way._ He thought as he picked up his schoolbag. _After all, he wants to rid himself of the façade he had created._

Suddenly, the Bearer of Kindness realized that Takeru was here last night. He had almost forgotten his presence over his personal thoughts. How selfish of him for not responding sooner._ Takeru's probably awake already!_ His mind screamed. _Hopefully my parents don't mind him spending the night…_

As he stepped out of his bedroom, Ken noticed that Takeru was nowhere to be found in the Ichijouji household. Slowly walking into the living room in a daze, he could have sworn he was sleeping on the sofa. Was it all a dream? Did it even happen? Heading into the kitchen, he sat at the dining table silently. Resting his head on the smooth, glossed table, he wondered where he could have gone. When did he decide to leave? Turning his head to the side, Ken noticed a letter was posted on the refrigerator door. Pushing his chair back, the raven haired boy headed towards the electrical appliance. 

On the paper, it was addressed to him. _Could it be…?_ Flipping the paper onto the back, the other side was filled with _kanji_ and _hiragana_ characters. And so, the Bearer of Kindness carefully read it, making sure he does not miss a single word.

_Ichijouji-kun -  
I apologize for leaving without saying anything, but I did not want to disturb you. I headed home so don't worry about me. I'll be fine. Although I have yet to understand my feelings, I do know that you mean something to me somehow. I don't know why you suddenly became so important to me, but I don't want to lose this feeling…I don't want to lose you, Ken. That's how much you mean to me._

_Takeru_

"That's how much you mean to me," Ken echoed at his violet eyes clung onto his words. His delicate face softened as his lips curved. Placing his index finger onto the note, he traced Takeru's name as his lips parted. "You answered my question after all…," he uttered under his breath as he continued to stare at the other boy's name.

Checking the clock, he noticed the time and grabbed his bag. As he did, the Bearer of Kindness carefully placed the letter into his leather schoolbag on his way out.

_That means a lot coming from you, Takeru-kun. It really does…_

****

_Beep-beep de beep! Beep-beep de beep! _The alarm wailed enormously loud, breaking through his eardrum. Pulling over the blanket over his head, he forcefully tried to sleep with the clock blaring that awful, annoying sound over and over. It continued still. Throwing the pillow over the alarm clock, it dulled out the siren disturbance although it did not stop until thirty minutes later. The daily morning routine of Takeru Takaishi - despite where he was sleeping. Gritting his teeth, the blond teenage boy slammed his palm over the clock and yanked the plug from the socket. Finally, silence… The beautiful sound of nothingness…

Turning his body, he laid on his back, staring at the blank ceiling. It was plain, flat and pale colored. The dull neutral color was so intimidating - empty and blank. It certainly reflected the winter weather outside. Gray clouds blanketed the sky, eliminating all the colors. Nothing but blank and white painted the city outside his window. It was terribly depressing.

Pushing off the sheets, Takeru rose to his feet and prepared himself for school. His shadowed cerulean eyes were weary as his head drooped. His limbs felt incredibly limp and numb. Aching in every part of his body, the golden haired teen stretched his body to awake himself. As much as he would like to sleep for entire day, he cannot allow himself to fall back in his studies, especially as such a critical moment. Sure, he had an easy time studying and such, but he shouldn't let his guard down no matter what.

Slipping on his school uniform, he quickly headed outside the room to do his common routines - brushing his teeth, combing his hair… He can do it under thirty minutes. As he spread some gel into his hair to maintain his _bishounen_ look, the blond rushed out of the bathroom to snatch himself a small meal before leaving.

His older brother, Yamato was already in the kitchen, cooking up an omelet with ketchup streamed across complemented with some jasmine tea and toast. Although the Bearer of Hope wanted to gobble up his breakfast within a minute or two, Yamato requested him to eat with him. Without complaints, Takeru complied and sat across from him. Picking up the spoon, he slowly devoured the meal in respect towards his brother.

"Takeru…?" Yamato uttered as he clamped his fingers lightly together.

"Hmm?" the younger brother mumbled with the spoon protruding from his mouth. Slipping the silver utensil out, he rested it onto his plate as he eyes the older Ishida sibling.

"Are you okay?" The Bearer of Friendship simply asked as he lowered his sapphire eyes. His concern expression was quite questionable. Why would he ask such a thing? In such a serious tone as well, it was very frightening to hear. Was it because of last night? Was he that worried about him within several hours?

Takeru was lost for words. He perfectly knew that his brother cared for him, but he did not realized how much. As far as he knew, his attention towards him was equivalent to their parents. They were always busy and had spent little time with him. Ever since his brother had become a band member of the Teenage Wolves, the blond teenager felt so empty and alone. He felt so neglected over the years. I wonder if they noticed…

"Takeru?" Yamato asked again.

"Yeah, I'm alright," Takeru answered in a flat voice. "Why shouldn't I be?"

"It's just that…"

"Look, I'm fine. There's no need to worry, okay?"

"Are you sure about that?"

"What?" Takeru raised a brow as his face was somewhat surprised. Staring at his brother, he crossed his arms in suspicion. Yamato was not joking around the matter. He was dead serious. The younger brother could definitely see it, so why was he hiding his true feelings away yet again? Did he like living a false life?

"You changed, Takeru. Over the years, you've changed."

"You too, Ni-san. Your point?"

"You're no longer happy. I can tell. Maybe because what happened a couple years back..."

"Ni-san…" Takeru felt irritated. He didn't want to reflect on the past again. He wanted to forget it, to erase it. He was better off not remembering what occurred. That dreadful memory… "We went over this before…"

"Yeah, I know… I know you told me not to talk about it. Despite that, you buried it in your heart and now it's affecting you. Can't you see that?"

Takeru held his breath as he glared at his brother. His ocean blue eyes widen by his accusation. Was the past psychologically hurting him? He turned away as gazed blankly at the glossy floor. Keeping his silence, he was trapped and there was no scapegoat to allow him to running away. How cunning the older sibling was to barricade him into a corner - a dark, damp corner.

"You have noticed, haven't you?" Yamato claimed.

"The past is the past," Takeru shot back. "Can you drop it already?"

"Stubborn, aren't you? Whether you like it or not, Miki Akatsu's suicide--"

"Enough! I don't want to hear it, alright?" The blond teenager roared as he shot out of his seat. Pulling his chair away from the table, he grabbed his schoolbag and gave his older brother an evil glare. "I should go to school now."

Quickly, he stepped out of the apartment and slammed the door so powerful that it shook the cabinets in the kitchen. Yamato stared at the door silently and he stood upright. Clearing the table, he uttered, "Akatsu's suicide… It changed you, Takeru."

****

Classes flied by quick, but the clouds remained. Drifting slowly to reveal same pieces of the sky blue atmosphere, it was clearing up. Even so, there was a shroud of gray growing. It looked like the rain would come. The letter that Takeru wrote certainly lightened the Bearer of Kindness's mood in contrast to the appearance of the environment. Sure, there were some parts of the day became harsh, but just remembering those words written by him seemed to be worth it. Despite that, he still had to studying for his exams and thus, it means he shouldn't be fooling around. Besides, it's not Takeru and him have an actual relationship.

Pulling out the note from his schoolbag, he stared at in during his free study period. The angel's delicate hand strokes were so perfect and slick, nothing compared to his sloppy writing. Sure his own writing was legible, but it was only legible to him. To think, even when he was a child genius, he could have perfected his writing style. Sighing, he laid it onto his desk and stared it in a daze.

Suddenly a tap on his shoulder woke him up from his daydream state. Turning around, he saw one of his female classmates smiling carefree before him. He blinked as she nudged beside him. "Oh, hey Ryuzaki-chan…"

"What do you have there, Ichijouji-san?" Looking over his shoulder, she noticed the letter on his desktop and snatched the paper as fast as light. Ken tried to retaliate by trying to retrieve it back, but it was of no avail. She kept spinning around and dodging him - as expected from such an athletic student. "Oh, is this what I think it is?" She giggled as she passed it to her friends.

"What's this? Is this an attempt to write a confession of love?" One of the girls uttered.

"_Ne_, Ichijouji-kun!" Another female classmate replied in a loud, obnoxious voice. With a smug look, she inquired, "Who's this, _Takeru_?"

The male students joined in response to hearing his angel's name. It was all fun and games for them apparently. Poking around his personal life, they were getting on his nerves. All these absurd questions that do not even concern them became frustrating and annoying. How nosy they were!

"_Oi_, Ichijouji!" One of the male students exclaimed. "Is this for real? Do you have some queer bastard tailing ya? What that makes of you? Are you some gay freak too?"

The other students laughed by the boy's insult, which made Ken terribly furious. They had no right to talk to him in such a disrespectful way. Is this how people really think of him? As some worn-out toy to be tossed from side to side? The Bearer of Kindness slammed his hands onto his desk fiercefully. The loud pound certainly made them silent and crawled back in fear.

Giving them a tremendous merciless stare, the raven haired boy stood out of his seat and confronted the group of students who crowded in the back. Silently, he got his letter back and slipped it into his back pocket. "How dare you talk to me like that in my presence," he growled.

"Hey, we're only fooling around…," one of the students countered.

"Fooling around and putting someone down are two different things. I suggest you figure it out," Ken murmured coldly.

"Why you--!"

"I would like to thank you on your attempts on picking on me, but you should try a lot harder than that!" The mood within the classroom was so intense. Ken had never before showed his fangs to these primitive peers until now. The girls were shocked and appalled to see their gentle classmate evolve into this ferocious beast. With such angry eyes, an arrow of hate pierced their souls as he stared at them. Turning around, he picked up his belongings and excused himself from the room. As he closed the door, the students willingly returned to talk behind his back.

"Who does that guy think he is?! Talking to us like we're his servants and crap!"

"Ichijouji is so arrogant!"

"What do you expect from a guy who's a boy genius?"

"You mean 'was'. Ichijouji became retarded or something after the sixth grade. His mom probably took drugs and screwed him up."

"Nah, he's probably the one who took the drugs. Probably became a drug dealer too!"

"And what's with this Takeru?"

"Hey, isn't that Yamato Ishida's younger brother?"

"You mean Yamato Ishida of the Teenage Wolves?"

"Yep, apparently Ichijouji and Ishida are tight if I remember correctly."

"That means Ichijouji-san and Takeru are close too!"

"And that letter!"

"Yeah, sounds like Takeru Ishida as this thing for him."

"And notice how Ichijouji-kun acted!"

"He obviously wants to screw with him!"

"Heh, I wonder who's the bitch. Him or Ichijouji…"

"My bet is on Ichijouji.

Overhearing his, Ken felt incredibly disgusted by their words. To be betrayed by those of his own age made him wonder how many other people look at him this way. If it wasn't about his own life, it would definitely be about his intelligence. What had happened to him in the past was not the present and yet people wanted to look upon that to attack him any way possible. Despite that, he was not reassured by the fact that there are people who continue to do so. That Ken Ichijouji died long ago. Why can't they see that? He did not decide to disappear from his parents for no apparent reason. He had issues too. He wasn't supposed to appear almighty, but this is how it was. All because what happened in the past… True, the past had affected the present, but it was up to him to defeat it.

Even so, he was only one person while in that room, there were over twenty. Their thoughts conflicted with his and his voice was nothing but a whimper. They could not hear him. Perhaps, they refuse to. Were they too incompetent to understand what he had to go through? Were their minds only focused on themselves? The world had become so cynical and selfish. Everyone fought to be better, he knew that. How can kindness rule them when the voice of greed and power was much louder and stronger?

As the raven haired teenager headed home, he passed by the train station. Remembering what occurred the day before, the thought of Takeru cleared his mind somewhat and eased his soul. The clouds grew darker by the minute as he stood idly at the steps that led to the station. Hesitant at first, Ken wanted to talk to the blond pallid angel. Perhaps, it could bring him some comfort after what he had to endure. Maybe Takeru would like to speak to him as well.

His amethyst eyes searched the ground as people strolled passed him. Clinching his fist, he courageously headed down to the train station to meet with Takeru once again. _I want to see you, Takeru-kun. I want to see you! Please be there, waiting for me…_

****

Running out of the train car, Ken tried to break free from the crowds of people flooding in and out. It was terribly humid in the station with the numerous individuals present. The air was thick and hard to breath, despite the cold weather outside. Pushing people away from him and squeezing through, the raven haired boy finally reached the flight of stairs. Panting heavily, he slouched over to catch his breath. The cool breeze from outside flowed down the steps and revitalized the Bearer of Kindness.

Suddenly, an orange container was knocked against his shoe. Apparently someone hit it when they were walking pass him. Gazing at the plastic container, Ken gently picked it up and analyzed the object. "Someone dropped their medication…," he stated aloud.

Turning the orange plastic cylinder around to check if the address was placed on the label, something caught his eye indefinitely. Reading the label with stunned eyes, he uttered, "Takeru Takaishi… Paroxetine…"

His mind became filled with questions as of the moment. His complexion became blank and dull as he was lost in a daze. Standing there silently, he realized that the Bearer of Hope must have lost his medication when he broke their fall. Looking at the container once again, Ken wondered if the golden haired boy even noticed he lost it in the first place. Frankly, he wouldn't know until he talked to him. Even so, what was it for?

_What are you hiding from me, Takeru-kun? What is this? Is there something wrong with you? Please tell me when I see you… Please, Takeru. I want to know._

**END OF CHAPTER EIGHT**

**Author's Notes:**

What a way to end the chapter! Ken found Takeru's medication! Whoo! Of course, that's highly impossible considering how many people DO travel by train in Japan. O.o Eh, oh well. XD Ken got lucky, that's all! Hehehe... Well, now this chapter reaches the climatic part of the series. Now that you have been exposed to Ken's school life, it's going to follow him a lot more. His classmates are evil, I tell you! EVIL!!! What the heck am I saying? I wrote them that way! ^^; Anyhoo, because of what happened in this chapter, lots of things are going to happen to Ken, Takeru as well as the Teenage Wolves! Yamato is really going to get involved in this to the point which Daisuke gets dragged in by Jun and because of Daisuke, Hikari gets pulled in and then Taichi and well you'll see... ;)

Oh, originally I was going to have Ken talk to Takeru about his anti-depressants in this chapter, but I decided to put it off until the next chapter since Ken had to find them in the first place in order to question it. XD I noticed I didn't talked much about Ken's life and his stress after all the Takeru's party stuff, so it's his time to shine! So Kenny-boy will definite see to it in chapter 9. ^_^ Also, Miki Akatsu -- our mystery character is definitely an important person in this story and to why Takeru takes his anti-depressants. The only thing you know was that he committed suicide. Why? It will be touched in chapter 9 or 10.

If anyone was offended by the use of language during the scene with Ken's classmates, my apologies. I would rate this R, but this series doesn't have hard-core sex, violence and profanity. _ That's why it's PG-13. Anyhoo, R&R everybody and check back for _Memory 09: Rumors_ soon!


	9. Memory 09: Rumors

**[Heaven's Wish]**  
_Memory 09 - Rumors_  
_revised __April 12, 2003_

_Why are you hiding from me?  
What secrets are hidden in your heart?  
Are they **that** painful?  
How come?  
How come you can't tell me?  
Am I stranger to you?  
Do you fear me like everyone else?  
You don't have to  
You don't have to be afraid_

Ken contemplated upon his confused thoughts as his eyes' attention was embedded on the unknown mysterious container filled with egg-shell colored medication. His face was terribly tensed by the unstable trepidation that began to plague his soul. A cold numbing feeling crept upon his spine as he let out a deep breath. It was no relaxing matter after he realized that Takeru had been taking such medication during his absence. He was not well informed about the Bearer of Hope. Although he had strong feelings for the athletic popular male, it had occurred to him that he truly never knew the other boy.

Sure, he understood vividly about what Takeru had to endure from others, but was that enough? He knew little about the blond teenager's past, let alone the people he is surrounded by who had made him felt that way in the first place. Then again, Ken's memories of his childhood were all in a blur. Anything that had happened when he was Daisuke and the others were the only things he could possibly remember.

Feeling disturbed, his arm drooped to his side as he felt incredible weak. It was like his body was limp and lifeless by a bubonic disease. To felt this vulnerable It was not comforting at all. He wanted to know Takeru more, but as a result he came to the conclusion that he never knew him to begin with. Was the pallid angel nothing more than a wandering martyr? This empty shell with no identity whatsoever appeared to him and yet he wanted to be with him. Did he accept a blank slate over those with character?

Sighing, Ken hesitated to continue to head where Takeru lie. He had driven himself to know about him more since yesterday and yet, now it seemed unfulfilling to just end there. The raven haired boy wanted to broaden this journey further than merely understanding the other boy. He wanted more, but what exactly? To be with him, but why? As far as he knew, the Bearer of Kindness needed to be comforted.

Here he was, running to the blond teenage boy so he would help him through another difficult time. He felt like he should hate himself. Should he keep using Takeru as a mean of escaping his troubles once they occur? Was he that pathetic? Why was he going to meet the pallid angel for? To meet this unknown character who he had accepted as a friend from long ago Why? Why him?

"It's because I like him I like him very much" Ken told himself aloud. "Takeru admitted that he cares about me That's right, he wrote a letter for me"

Slipping the medication into a slip in his schoolbag, the raven haired boy pulled the coarse paper unconsciously. His eyes trailed upon the words that the other boy wrote carefully. Staring at the characters, he considered that the Bearer of Hope certainly realized he had some sort of feelings for him. "For me His words He wrote them himself, so why am I fooling myself to disregard this? I like Takeru and he cares for me."

_I completely forgot about his feelings for a moment. He told me in the letter that he did not want to lose this feeling between us. I shouldn't run away from it, but I feel the same way! I want to be with him, anytime I can That way, I can know him better and wouldn't feel like I'm using him somehow. Takeru-kun is truly kind in heart. I know it for sure! He's not some guy who deliberately wants to hate others. He just feels like he should because they don't understand Just like how I feel_

Clinching his fists, his head hung over in defeat. If he considered this, then they are not that much different from each as he thought. Although they live completely different lives, the outcome had result the same.

As Ken stepped outside, his amethyst eyes gazed at the endless sky filled with a winter white tone. The sun had yet to appear. As the clouds rolled, it became terribly darker. Suddenly, a droplet of fresh rain fell upon the raven haired boy's face and streamed down his chin. The droplets continued to pour in a rhythmical motion. As his dark, soft hair became drenched and heavy, the Bearer of Kindness let out a deep breath. "The world is cold to us, right Takeru-kun?"

The rain slowly made his black school uniform wet as he stood there idly. Staring at the horizon, he nodded to himself. And so, Ken went towards the direction where his pallid angel lies.

_Even though the world is cold, it can be warm again_

****

_Thump Thump Thump_ The repetition of the dribbling in the gymnasium echoed as the lights immensely illuminated the room. Not another living soul was inside except for the blond teenager who practiced by his lonesome. Alone on the court despite the dreary atmosphere Forcefully, Takeru raised his arms swiftly and released the coarse basketball from the tips of his fingers. Floating in the air, the auburn orange rubber ball spun and arced by the golden haired boy's strength.

As it fell downwards, it banged onto the rim and ricocheted backed at him. Stepping to the side to dodge the basketball, his ocean blue eyes glared at the ball as it gradually lost its momentum. The bounces soon died out and the coarse orange ball rolled until it hit the bleachers.

Panting out of exhaustion, the Bearer of Hope went to retrieve the ball. He kneeled down and carefully scooped the ball back into his hands. Furious, Takeru gritted his teeth out of disappointment. As a result, his complexion grew ferocious. Dashing down the court out of anger, the blond teenager dribbled the ball. Once he was within the range of the hoop, Takeru gripped the basketball and leaped into the air.

_BANG!!! _The golden haired boy performed a slam dunk with such outrageous power. The basketball plummeted onto the ground with incredible force that the sound of its decent rang throughout the gymnasium as long as a minute. As he landed onto the wax wooden floor, Takeru fell onto his knees as he gasped for air. His body was completely tense and worn out. He had been practicing for more than two hours and it caused his body to feel limp and numb. He was pushing himself much of the day; he knew that perfectly.

As the blond teenager's attention focused on the dark sky outside, he breathed heavily during his cool down. A feeling of cold metal pierced his neck as the heat within him vanished. Reaching for his necklace, Takeru gazed as the gift that Hikari and Taichi had given him for his birthday. The two different rings lay in his palm, glimmering by the room's lighting.

"What has been up with me today!?" he cried out. "I'm not concentrating on my game. _Kuusou!_" Punching his fist onto the glossy floor, Takeru lowered his head resentfully. Ever since he had woken up today, his day had become terrible by the second. To begin with, his brother, Yamato had to bring up Miki Akatsu. Why now? He never talked about him before. What drove him to ask such a question? Was it because of yesterday? Or maybe, he had wanted to question him about the issue for some time.

Sighing, the Bearer of Hope shook his head against the idea. Even so, it could be possibility. Has his brother been suffering, knowing what had happen in the past? Did that incident after Miki's suicide made Yamato worried? Did he think he would do it again? Confused, he flopped back onto the hard, chilly floor. His body was spread like he had fallen to the earth and died. He was tired and should have left campus right after school. Still, he was stubborn not to.

Everyone at school was terribly concerned about him. His headaches had occurred more often lately than ever. They didn't know why, but he did. It was the result of taking his anti-depressants for two years. Now, he is suffering from the side effects. Only he knew this though and no one else. As far as they knew, his condition was merely a health problem. But it wasn't his health at first. It was more than that.

"Miki's suicide" Takeru uttered under his breath. "It was raining that day too" As he closed his eyes, he allowed his mind to drift as he listened the pattering of the rain. It was soothing and yet it felt painful at the same time.

Suddenly, the metal door of the gymnasium swung open with a storming roar breaking Takeru's train of thought. As he sat up, the blond teenager noticed a thin male figure standing by the doorway. The unknown person walked silently into the gymnasium, looking for someone in particular. The other boy looked at him and smiled gently in response. The golden haired boy's sapphire eyes widen by the mysterious figure's gesture. As Takeru got onto his feet, the other boy approached him. "So this is where you were!"

"Ichijouji-kun" The Bearer of Hope replied quite surprised by the turn of events. "What are you doing here? It's a long way from Tamachi to Odaiba."

"Yeah, I know. Still, I came to hang out with you."

Noticing that the raven haired boy was incredibly soaked by the rainfall, Takeru wondered what drove him to come on such a day. "You couldn't choose a better day when it's not raining?"

Ken shrugged in return, unable to counter. "Well, it rained once I arrived in Odaiba, so you can't blame me."

Moaning, the blond angel crossed his arms as he raised a brow. "I suppose." Rubbing his forehead, he walked towards his sports bag located on the side of the bleachers. "You better take off your clothes or you'll get sick, Ichijouji-kun."

The Bearer of Kindness twitched by the other boy's suggestion. Sure he was wet and cold and perhaps beginning to feel under the weather, but he didn't need to dress. The room temperature could surely dry his clothes. Blushing, he said, "You don't have to worry. I'm not going to get sick"

Staring at the dark haired boy, Takeru release a soft sigh as he pulled out a towel. Throwing the soft white towel to Ken, the dark haired boy caught it. Giving an concern look at the Bearer of Kindness, the pallid angel simply stated, "You're going to get sick."

"And this fact is based on?" Ken inquired.

"Me. I have years of experience when it comes to being sick because of rain," Takeru chirped.

"Years of experience?"

"When I was a kid, I played in the rain a lot. As a result, I was always sick a day after. After a while, a person like me should know how to approach this type of situation."

The raven haired boy glared at him oddly, trying to avoid what Takeru was asking him to do. He felt utterly flustered by the idea as the golden haired boy eyed him. His heart was beating hard and rapidly. The pulsing of his blood increased as he felt lost by the other boy's beautiful deep blue eyes. It was such a warm feeling that burn through his soul. This alluring angel made him had many mixed feelings. What should he do?

"Are you embarrassed?" Takeru finally said. Ken shied away his flushed red face from the Bearer of Hope; perhaps he didn't noticed. Wrapping his arms onto his own body, the raven haired boy was quite hesitant to undress before him. Seeing Ken's uneasy complexion, he suggested, "If you feel that way, you can always go to the guys' locker room. You can wear my clothes until yours are dry."

"You don't ne-"

"Ichijouji-kun," he grumbled.

"Alright, alright," Ken replied. "Under one condition, though."

"Which is?"

Pulling out a plastic, transparent orange container from his schoolbag, the raven haired boy tossed it to the Bearer of Hope. As Takeru analyzed the object in his hands, his eyes widen in shock. Glancing back to Ken, the blond teenager felt completely stiff. As his lips parted, he found himself vulnerable by this boy's presence.

"That's yours, isn't it?"

"Ken"

"That's yours, isn't it?!" The Bearer of Kindness raised his voice unconsciously.

Feeling defeated by the fact that Ken had found his medication, he did not retaliate against his accusation. Even so, the pallid angel was not able to tell the raven haired boy with his own words. Instead, he nodded silently.

Takeru feared how he would react like how his peers look upon him. By doing so, he was pushing everyone away from him. To do that with Ken of all people was unspeakable. The boy meant something to him. He gave him a feeling of being alive. If he was to lose that, he would lose any attachment to human emotions.

"Why didn't you tell me, Takeru-kun?"

"I wouldn't know how you would react Not even Hikari-chan and Daisuke-kun know that I'm taking anti-depressants."

"Anti-depressants? That's what they are?"

"Yes, that's what I've been taking."

"For how long you've been taking them?"

"About two years" Takeru forcefully chuckled to ease the intense mood among them. When he glanced at the raven haired boy, the Bearer of Hope noticed that Ken was terribly stunned. "Ichijouji-kun"

"So you've been lying to us for two years"

"Perhaps since then"

"Since then? What happened, Takeru?" Ken abruptly asked. "What happened that cause you to take anti-depressants?"

The raven haired boy's sudden questions were so forceful that it made Takeru felt on the edge. He could understand why he was curious by the fact, but to question him so soon, he could not respond. Perhaps, that's why he did not want to tell his friends about his condition. Perhaps, that's why he told his brother, Yamato to lie to everyone about what had happened to him. To avoid all of this nonsense Sure, he wanted to tell everyone the truth but he wanted to do it on his own terms. Guess everything had backfired on me I can't run away anymore

Sighing, he sat himself on the front bleachers. Lowering his head, he uttered, "Miki Akatsu, that's what happened."

"Miki Akatsu?"

"Miki Akatsu was my best friend from my old school before I came to Odaiba. He and I were the best of friends. He would smile no matter what. When he did poorly, he would just laugh it off, always saying 'I'll try harder next time.' I admired him a lot."

"That sounds much like you, Takeru-kun."

"You could say I was influenced by him. He was like a second brother to me. I still kept in contact with him when I started the fifth grade at Odaiba Elementary School. When I finally entered junior high, Miki transferred to my school during my first year. But when I had class with him, I noticed he changed. I didn't know it at first, but he was quite jumpy. Something disturbed him, but I didn't ask him."

"Why not?"

"I felt like it wasn't my place to question other people's personal lives. Perhaps, I respected other people's privacy way too much. I should have asked Miki what was going on much earlier."

"Takeru Did Miki?"

"On the day of midterms, I went to his apartment home. No one was home, but the door was opened. When I walked in, I found his parents both dead and Miki holding a knife - all blood-covered and numb. He stared at me with such lifeless eyes and thenHe took his own life."

"That's That's" 

"That's not the worst thing Miki did to me though. The worst thing was that he used my hands to do it."

Ken was lost for words. The raven haired boy was unaware about this boy's dark past. It was because of that incident that caused Takeru to have automaton emotions. Here he was, listening to this pallid angel with his undivided attention and not once the blond teenager shed a tear for the lost of Miki Akatsu. It disturbed him that Takeru narrated this so calmly. How could he? How could he tell him about his best friend with ease? Ken found it difficult to talk about his dead brother, Osamu - even now. So why? Why does Takeru force himself not to feel?

_"I'm afraid of everyone"_ Takeru's voice echoed in his mind. Those were his exact words he had told him yesterday. _"If I were to love someone, I'm afraid that I would get hurt, I suppose"_

_That's right Takeru's afraid of being hurt like how Akatsu hurt him. To go through such a cruel thing Now I understand._

"Do you hate Akatsu-san?"

"No, not really. I pity him"

"What?" The Bearer of Kindness noticed a sincere tone in the other boy's voice. It was gentle and delightful in contrast to the subject. How could he look upon death so happily? Unless he wasn't acknowledging his best friend's death, but for his character instead.

"It wasn't his fault. It wasn't his fault at all," Takeru replied as he stared at the ceiling. "When I was in rehabilitation, I was informed about the incident. It turned out that Mr. Akatsu had abused Mrs. Akatsu from time to time. That night, they had a fight and Mr. Akatsu took it out on her. Miki's mother probably died in the process. He probably tried to defend her Protecting her until her last breath That's probably what drove him to kill his father. He probably hated his father for what he did Under the circumstances, I can't find Miki guilty."

To hear this from the pallid angel, he was certainly merciful for Miki Akatsu. Despite the fact the boy had killed his father and forcefully used the blond teenager's hands to commit suicide, he still sees the situation so lightly. Is that really the case though? Does Takeru really feel that way? Is there a part of him that feels incredibly weak in relation to this issue? No, that can't be true, can it?

"You don't seem sad about Akatsu-san's lost."

"At first I was. Now, I don't think I can be. Miki taught me a lot of things and we've been through a lot. To cry from him wouldn't make him happy. I think he hates to cry. That's why he always smiles and laughs."

"Akatsu-san reminds me of my brother, Osamu."

"Your brother who died when you were little, right?"

"Yeah I used to hate him, until he was really gone. I was certainly depressed about his death, but over the years, I've learned to cope with it and appreciate what he had done for me not to me."

The golden haired boy nodded in response. As he stood up, the Bearer of Hope approached Ken silently. Clearing his throat, Takeru noted, "Now with that aside, you need to hold your end of the bargain."

Ken simply forgot about that with the pallid angel's tale of his past. Sighing, he lowered his head as he tightly gripped the towel the blond teenager had given him. "Point me into the direction of the locker room, please" The raven haired boy uttered in a monotone voice.

"It's to your right," Takeru said.

"Thank you And thank you for telling me about your past, Takeru-kun."

The golden haired boy's cheeks had subtly blushed in response by Ken's words. He blinked, clearing this throat once more. "You're welcome, Ken," he beamed as his lips curved. The Bearer of Kindness gestured back and turned his back towards the angel. As he walked away from him, Ken disappeared into the locker room.

****

The raven haired sat alone in the locker room, idling as his clothes hanged to dry. When he had undressed himself, he forgot to ask Takeru from his locker combination to get his clothes to wear as he waited. To ask him would be a hassle though. Ken didn't want to be a burden for the pallid angel, and so he kept his silence. Wrapping the towel over his shoulders, the Bearer of Kindness could not find warmth with just a mere, cotton fabric around his body. Perhaps he should have asked. It's better than being cold.

As he rose upon his feet, Ken heard the locker room door swung open. The creaking of the metal door was certainly apparent to him. The sounds of footsteps approached him in a percussionist pattern. Looking aside of the lockers, the dark haired boy noticed the blond teenager heading his way. Stunned, he did not know how to react to his appearance.

"You're still here, Ichijouji-kun," Takeru stated the obvious. "Plus, you look like you're freezing cold. Did I tell you that you could wear my clothes?"

"Yeah, you did but you didn't even tell me your locker number, let alone the combination," Ken countered.

Rubbing his temple gently, the golden haired boy certainly recollected that as well. "My bad. Sorry about that," he apologized as he scratched his head.

"Well, I should have asked, huh?"

"I'm here now, so it saves you the trouble," the Bearer of Hope laughed. As he paced towards the end of the locker room, Takeru carefully turned the lock's combination. Twenty to the left, forty-three to the right, sixteen to the left The lock clicked and the blond teenager opened his gym locker with ease. As he pulled out his school uniform, the golden haired teenager shut the locker door and returned back where Ken was waiting.

As he did, Takeru noticed the raven haired boy was sitting with his knees to his chest. His eyes seemed so dull and weary and his complexion was filled a torturous pain. As he sat beside the Bearer of Kindness, the blond teenager set the clothes aside. "Are you alright?" Takeru wondered.

"Oh, it's nothing."

"Are you sure?"

Ken felt doubtful about how he was to approach his own problems. After hearing Takeru's past directly from him, he did not know if he had the strength to deal with the situation at school. The way his classmates talked about him and acted It made him furious. Clenching onto the towel tightly, he did not want pull Takeru into this. If only he was more courageous

"Yeah, I'm sure," he lied.

Noticing how much the other boy was trembling, Takeru could no accept his response. He was troubled; he could certainly see that. Why was he holding his suffering to himself? Why did he bury it deep into his heart although he knew it exists? Had he learned nothing? What was it?

"I don't think you're alright," Takeru commented.

"You're mistaken."

"Ken," he said in much more serious tone. "Tell me. Did something happen to you today?"

"Not really"

"Ken!"

"I'm fine, really."

"How come when you ask me something, I try to tell you while you don't?"

The raven haired boy held his breath. Here he was, with Takeru who was trying his best comfort him and yet he was pushing him away his help. The blond teenager was livelier than the day before. Why he couldn't be? Even after knowing how the Bearer of Hope feels about him, he felt emptiness in his heart. Why is that?

"I don't know why, really Maybe because I want to protect you from my problems," Ken uttered softly.

"To protect me," the pallid angel echoed. "Let me decide whether or not I want to troubled. Look, Ken I want to protect you from your problems, but hiding them away from me won't help. Hiding them away from anyone won't help. Sometimes you need to tell. After all, we are no different from each other."

"Takeru-kun"

Unhooking his necklace off, the blond teenager handed it to Ken to look at. Placing them into the Bearer of Kindness's grasp, Takeru cupped his hands with his own. "See these two rings on the chain?"

"Yeah"

"Although they are different, they are connected." Gazing at the raven haired boy with his sapphire eyes, Takeru caught Ken's attention. The other boy returned the gesture as he glanced back to the two rings.

"Although they are different, they are connected...," the Bearer of Kindness echoed.

"That's what it means to be in love."

Surprised by the pallid angel's concluding words, Ken stared at him as he gave him a gentle smile. The golden haired boy caressed his cheek ever so softly. The tingling warmth from his fingers flowed through the rest of the other boy's body. His hand slowly pulled back his dark, long hair from his face. As he leaned down, their lips melted together, sealing this moment when they had found love.

The soft, white towel upon the Bearer of Kindness fell off his shoulders as the pallid angel drew him closer his body. He wrapped his other arm around his waist lightly and their kiss grew more passionate. His feathery touch was irresistible. The immense feeling of his embrace was his Paradise. His warmth His comfort His being They were all there. Finally, they were together.

_I don't care if my classmates create rumors about me and Takeru. No matter what happens to us, we'll go through it togetherYou and me, Takeru are together_

**END OF CHAPTER NINE**

**Author's Notes:**  
WHOOOOOO~!! Takeken hot, steamy make-out ending scene! XD Okay, okay, I'm really hyperactive right now, so don't mind me. Hehehe Well, as promised, Takeru's past about the antidepressants have been revealed! Anyone surprised? I had to make it a bit traumatizing for Takeru since it would explain why he is unable to differentiate his feelings and emotions. Something like that would screw up anyone's mentality! O.o I'll probably would write a side story about Takeru and Miki after this series is over, which isn't going to happen anytime soon.

Anyhoo, Daisuke and Hikari will appear in the next chapter for you Daikari fans who read this. It's going to be very complicated from hear on out. So that means more angst and problems for a starring couple. XD I'm so cruel! BWHAHAHAHAHAHA~!! **coughs** Read and review, please!  



	10. Memory 10: Don't Run Away

**[Heaven's Wish]**  
_Memory 10 – Don't Run Away_  
_revised __May 09, 2003_

_This feeling… _  
_This strong, powerful feeling…_  
_I cannot describe it._   
_What words could possibly express it?_   
_I hold you close to me…_  
_Yet still don't know why._   
_Do I love you?_   
_Is this what is suppose to feel?_   
_Still, I know that I care about you._

Takeru stroked the raven haired boy's hair gently as his lips parted from him. Gazing deeply into his violet-crystal eyes, his soul felt soothed and carefree. It was quite rejuvenating to see the fallen angel in his presence. Even so, he sensed that something was missing between them. He had kissed him tenderly on the lips, but why? Why was he so drawn to touch him? There was a mysterious feeling beating in his heart every time he laid his eyes on the other boy. It was warm and refreshing, yet indescribable. Surely, there's an answer to it. What could it be? Could this be love?

The Bearer of Hope had not experienced true love, yet alone whether to conclude such a thing. But what else could explain such an enigmatic emotion?  The blond teenage male looked at the dark haired boy once again. His eyes were gentle and reassured. He had forgotten his worries at the time. Was it because of him? Was it because he was able to express himself with ease by the other boy's presence? Did Ken love him back? Is that's the reason why he's no longer stress at the time? Because of him…?

The pallid angel sighed wistfully as he rose to his feet. Rubbing his temple, he was so confused by the situation. Were they lovers or not? Did he love him? Does he returning those feelings? He tried not to dwell on the idea, but Ken was quite suspicious of the other boy. Takeru glanced at him wearily as he pressed his fingers against his temple once again. This time he found himself moaning in pain.

Terribly worried, the raven haired boy stood up quickly, ignoring the fact he was still unclothed. "Are you alright, Takeru?" He hoped that the blond teenager would have nodded or murmured an audible response, but that was not the case. Suddenly, Takeru collapsed to his knees with his hand clutching into his hair tightly.

Rushing to his side, Ken tried to aid him. As he helped the golden haired boy back onto his feet, the Bearer of Kindness noticed a stream of tears flowed down the other boy's face. Stunned, he asked once again, "Takeru, are you alright? Takeru…?!"

Forcefully, Takeru shook off his tears and looked away from the fallen angel. The blond teenager noticed his body was shivering, yet did not understand the reason why. The Bearer of Hope found himself telling the other boy, "It's nothing that you need to worry about. It happens all the time."

Those words did not comfort the raven haired boy whatsoever. He knew that. But what could've he said to him? Surely, he could not answer him with such an obvious lie like 'It's nothing'. It was quite apparent that it was certainly something that should know be ignored. He had never endured something so excruciating until now. To cause him to shed tears in the process…It was certainly painful. _What could have caused it?_

"Is it something serious?" Takeru heard Ken asked.

"Don't worry," he replied with a stressed smile. "I'll just get my doctor to look into it."

"Takeru…"

"Enough about me. You could get dressed, Ichijouji-kun while your clothes dry. I'll be on the court, shooting some free throws."

Coldly, the pallid angel left the raven haired boy by his lonesome, full of worry, full of insecurity. Taking in the deep breath, Ken pulled Takeru's close to his bare body. Indulging on the warm of the other boy's clothes, it certainly calmed his soul. He wanted to tell the other boy what he had to go through lately, but could not find himself to say the words.

With the pallid angel building an enclosed barrier between them, he needed to forget his issues and focus on Takeru. Even so, to forget about what have been occurring at his school would be difficult. Perhaps they both should deal with some things on their own. _No…! _Ken's heart argued back. _Some things can't be dealt by one person. I should talk to Takeru. Even so, I don't want to burden him with my problems. He must be thinking the same thing, too. What should I do?_

As Ken slowly slipped on Takeru's school uniform for the time, he became aware about the difference between the two of them. Their size, hair color, clothing… But they were all physical traits. Their appearances were lies to begin with. Ken Ichijouji, the once-famous prodigy – now perhaps the main target of his classmates… Takeru Takaishi, the happy-go-lucky teenager – now living life after overcoming his best friend's death by his hands… The two of them certainly contrast the reputations that were given to them, but the situation was still the same. 

"Although they are different, they are connected..." Ken recollected the other boy's words. _Those two rings both look different, but their purpose are the same. Isn't that ironic…?_

Buttoning the soft white shirt, Ken left the locker room immediately afterwards. As he entered the gym, the raven haired boy noticed Takeru lying down on one of the bleachers with the basketball under his head. Apparently the blond teenager was sleeping. Did he take that long? Ken blinked as he sat beside his resting body. The golden haired boy did not take notice of the other boy's presence. Looking oddly at the pallid angel, the Bearer of Kindness cleared his throat.

"Hmm…?" Takeru groaned as he gazed out with one eye. "Ken, you're done, I see…" Sitting up, the pallid angel stretched his arms and massaged the back of his neck. As he did, the Bearer of Hope realized that Ken rolled up his pants. The thought of it made the blond teenager chuckle suddenly.

"What?" Ken wondered as he gazed at his clothes. "Is something wrong about me wearing an Odaiba Junior High School uniform?"

"No, no…!" he replied as he waved his hand in retaliation. "Nothing's wrong about it."

Takeru laughed again lightheartedly, causing the raven haired boy to feel somewhat irritated. Giving the pallid angel a resentful look, the Bearer of Kindness was not contempt by the other boy's response. "No, seriously… Is there something about it?"

With a gentle smile, the golden haired teen looked at him, his face soften and ever so cheerful. Ken became relieved to see Takeru to express himself so loosely, instead forcing his lips to curve. Even so, that does not excuse the pallid angel from laughing at him for wearing his uniform. After Takeru calmed down his funny bone, he finally said, "You look like an elementary kid in a junior high school uniform."

"An elementary kid?" Ken echoed, unable to understand why. Pointing at his rolled-up slacks, the blond teenager found himself covering his mouth from laughing again. Raising a brow in response, the fallen angel finally realized why he was so humored. After all, Takeru's clothes were quite baggy on him. "Not my fault you're taller than me!"

"But you look kinda cute like that," Takeru blurted.

Blushing by his random comment, the raven haired boy's face was completely flushed red. His amethyst eyes widen as the pallid angel gazed at him. Ken jerked in response as he quickly forced himself to look away. As he cleared his throat, the Bearer of Kindness decided to change the subject to avoid the awkward moment. "So… how long are you planning to hang out here?"

Takeru glanced at the gymnasium's windows covered by the drizzling rain. Sighing, the blond teenager's face grew glum. "Guess I'm stuck here unless the rain stops. Same goes for you…"

Ken blinked, feeling more uncomfortable. "Could just go home and get sick," he joked.

"And stay home and the only thing available to eat is instant ramen? No, thanks," Takeru laughed.

The silence grew between them soon after. An uneasy atmosphere encircled the two like a flock of vultures. They exchanged glances and shifted from time to time, but said nothing more. It was certainly disturbing, this quietness. As the rain pattered on the windows and the lights flicker, Takeru and Ken were hesitant to mention their personal issues. The Bearer of Kindness wanted to burst, telling the pallid angel of his tormenting day at school. He needed the other boy to acknowledge his situation, to advise him, to comfort him. It was a selfish request, but he couldn't hold it in him forever. Eventually the blond teenager would discover this truth.

_Better now than never…_, Ken thought as he bit his lower lip. Clenching his fist, his mind was against it. Beads of sweat emerged upon his forehead as his inner spirit was troubled. _Come on. Say it! Tell him, tell someone! His heart pleaded once again._

Takeru eyed the raven haired boy, noticing his restless complexion. Concerned, he placed his hand upon the fallen angel's shoulder. It was tense until he had touched him gently. His suspicion rose as he heard Ken let out a light sigh. The other boy was somewhat relaxed by the pallid angel's comforting touch. Pulling his hand away from the Bearer of Kindness, Takeru gazed at his palm, confused.

_Can I only communicate through physical contact? Is there no way for me to say anything? I'm not mute and yet I can't gather enough courage to say anything. But what can I say? Why are you acting so strange, Ken? This isn't like you… If only those words could escape my mouth so I wouldn't feel this way. I hate it...This odd feeling between us. Who are we, really?_

"Takeru…?" he heard the raven haired boy uttered softly.

Cocking his eyebrow, the golden haired boy gazed deeply at his pale complexion as he awaiting him to speak. Ken fidgeted as he struggled to find the correct words. Takeru blinked while he took in a deep breath to ease his soul. Staring at the wax wooden floor, the Bearer of Kindness whispered, "Will you be here for me?"

Takeru was unaware of what the fallen angel was speaking about. Confounded, the Bearer of Hope found himself inquiring, "What for? What are you talking about?"

Timid by the other boy's question, Ken lowered and shook his head. As he forced his lips to curve, he replied, "Erm, nevermind."

This was certainly frustrating to be placed in such a situation. The Bearer of Hope was already lured by the raven haired boy's remark. To be left hanging like this was intolerable. But then again, he was doing the exact same thing. Raising his head to view the falling raindrops, Takeru's sapphire eyes became blank and dull. In a much serious tone, he asked, "Why do you need me?"

Surprised by the pallid angel's sudden question, Ken gazed at him with widen eyes. He tried to not make any eye contact with the Bearer of Hope, but his exquisite ocean blue gems captured him into the depths of absolute serenity. The golden haired boy had asked him in return. Why can't he answer him? Wasn't it he the one who started this conversation? Why is it so hard to speak to someone who is dear to you? What was he so afraid of? What reason does he have to hold back his words?

_Because Takeru has enough problems to deal with…_His mind answered. _You're not the only one who suffers in the world. Takeru suffers too…_

_Is it selfish for me to tell him and ask for his help?_ Ken wondered as Takeru still waited patiently for his answer. _Is it selfish to have him help me live? Is it selfish for me to go through this with him?_

His heart and soul did not comply though. They solemnly gave a mutual response. _It is for you to decide…_

Alas, he finally uttered, "I need you… I just need you here for me… To listen to me… To comfort me… That's what I need you for."

"Is that it?" Takeru asked coldly, unable to understand why the fallen angel would mention this now. It was already difficult for him to understand his feelings for the raven haired boy. To have him tell him such words, it hurt him somewhat. Was that all he meant to the Bearer of Kindness?

Seeing that Takeru was intentionally acting so distant, Ken wondered if the other boy was expecting more than such a diluted response. He was hiding something about himself. He knew that, but he wished not to drag this beloved angel of hope into his cynical world. Suddenly, the other boy's words echoed tenderly in his conscious.

_"Let me decide whether or not I want to troubled. Look, Ken… I want to protect you from your problems, but hiding them away from me won't help. Hiding them away from anyone won't help."_

That's what Takeru had told him, so why did he allow himself to ignore the other boy's feelings. Those were his feelings, weren't they? That's what he want, isn't it? Did he doubt the Bearer of Hope's words? Did he believe that the blond teenager was lying to him? Ken was perplexed by the idea. After all, Takeru did live a life full of falseness. How could he trust such a boy? Could he trust the words that escape his very lips?

"Do you just need me to listen to you, to comfort you?" he heard the pallid angel asked.

Taking in a deep breath, Ken nodded though he wanted to add more to his confession. Confession? Was that it? Was that the reason why he found it so hard to find the correct words? He managed to start, but it was still incomplete. But then what the raven haired boy heard stunned him even more.

"If that's the case, then I will. I will listen to you and comfort you, if that's what you need… If that's what I need to do to care for you…"

"Takeru…"

"Tell me your feelings, your dreams, anything on your mind. If you're ever hurt, I will comfort you, Ken… I will do that for you…"

The fallen angel's heart throbbed by his gentle voice. His words were so warm and heartfelt. He could not place his finger on it but they were the right ones he needed to hear. It was strange to embrace such a wonderful, nostalgic feeling from one who is unable to interpret his emotions. Even so, Ken believed that the Bearer of Hope was starting to see what his feelings mean. To go through his journey with Takeru, it was certainly worth it.

"Then will you listen to me now?" The raven haired boy managed to say.

The blond teenager nodded, glancing to the fallen angel. "Yeah… I will listen…"

Ken clutched onto his chest as he felt his heart pounded harder. Flustered, his pulse was beating rapidly, fluctuating a warm feeling through his body. Such an ecstatic heat flowed through him, because of Takeru's presence. Breathing deeply, he was able to find his calm again. He could not to lose himself now. He must tell him…

"Takeru… You really don't know what I have to put up with at school, do you?"

"What do you mean?" The blond complied as he cocked his right eyebrow.

"There have been a lot of things happening up 'til now. I don't think you or anyone else had noticed," Ken muttered under his breath as he lowered his head restlessly. He perfectly knew that hiding this would destroy him terribly, but he could relinquish his suffering. The pallid angel asked him; he shouldn't hold back.

Strange, it had only been a day since then… Since then he interacted with Takeru Takaishi properly. It was like a rose-colored romantic tale that was becoming true. Was it so unnatural to reveal oneself to a stranger? Stranger? Was that what he thought Takeru as? He wasn't a stranger at all for he had known him since they were in the fifth grade of elementary school. They were eleven years old then and now they were sixteen; well, Takeru was at least. His birthday wasn't until the end of the year, but that's beside the point. The fact is that they knew each other for five years. He has the right to know. 

Suddenly, the Bearer of Hope's voice responded, interrupting Ken's thoughts. "Then let me notice it…," he whispered gently, sounding quite concerned by the raven haired boy's attitude.

"The thing is…Well… My classmates…," Ken was hesitant to say. Clutching onto his slacks, he tried to confess what had been occurring.

"What about your classmates?" Takeru wondered. "Did they do something wrong... To you?" Certainly, the blond teenager had suspected something by that delayed reference to the Bearer of Kindness. He did know that Ken was stressed the other day, but it was just caused by the peer pressure, wasn't it? Was there more to Ken's issues that he didn't know about?

"Takeru… You have no idea what it's like to me be. You have no idea."

"Why don't you tell me…"

"Well, you already know I've been having a hard time maintaining my grades lately."

"Yeah… Why is that?"

"My parents took me to a doctor one day to check it out. As a result, I was diagnosed with a limited memory, which would explain why I can't remember some things that occur in a day… Only vague fragments."

"Is that possible?"

"Apparently it is," Ken laughed to dull out the tense atmosphere. "If it wasn't, the doctors wouldn't be allowed to give such a result."

"So that's why your grades are falling?"

"Pretty much…"

"So how are your classmates involved?"

"That's the thing… Former prodigy with a memory loss who's having poor average grades… Seems rather uncommon, doesn't it? To be smart one time…And suddenly spirally into a pit of stupidity…"

"Ichijouji-kun…" Takeru uttered as he noticed the raven haired boy's hands became shaky as his steadily rose. His eyes gradually became watery as his nose became a strip of flushed red. Hearing Ken trying to hold back tears of tormented pain, it was difficult to allow him to continue. To see him like this… It hurt him too.

"I try as much as I could, you know…," The Bearer of Kindness replied as he wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. Damp it was by his salty tears he had shed. Glancing at the other boy's hand, the pallid angel's heart tightened in response by Ken's sorrowful details. His appearance altered and distorted by the streaming tears from his shadowed amethyst eyes. The dark haired teenager did not stop though. Sure, it hurt him terribly to recollect such a thing, but it was better this way. To continue living with this deep experience was torture itself. "Apparently, it's not enough… I have such a disadvantage with this damn condition…"

"Ken…" The golden haired angel retorted, trying to end his words.

"The faculty and the administrators don't seem to give damn about my problems, always expecting me to rise higher again… And my classmates are freakin' assholes, always pushing me around, stealing and vandalizing my belongings… Trying to prove that I'm some pathetic son-of-a-bitch and they're some superior bastard like Stalin…"

"That's enough…" Takeru attempted once again as he could feel Ken's anger bleeding through his senses. He never heard him this way before. Maybe he acted this way, but not in the presence of others. To hide his pain… To blanket it was some charade… The fallen angel was a reflection of himself apparently. _Perhaps he did it for the same reasons, Takeru thought. _He wants others to be aware of him, but he does not want to trouble anyone… So he hides his true self…We're no different from each other, aren't we…? __

"I swear, if this continues, I'll… I'll…"

"You'll do what, Ken? What will you do?" Takeru interrupted with such a stern tone. The angel's ocean blue eyes narrowed onto him as his complexion lost all emotion. "What would you do?"

Shocked, the raven haired boy utterly erased the fact the other boy was in his presence. Looking away, he bit his lower lip in frustration. The Bearer of Kindness did not want to continue that sentence any further, knowing it may hurt Takeru and blind his senses even more so. Despite his sudden silence, the blond teenager was quite persistent.  With such a furious glare and gritted teeth, Ken saw that the pallid angel understood what he meant, even if he did not mention it. He did insinuate it.

"Takeru-kun, I didn't mean it that way… I didn't…" Ken managed to reply, hoping to convince the Bearer of Hope that he was mistaken. But Takeru did not follow his lie. The golden haired boy saw through him like a looking-glass. Ever so transparent and clear…How could he be possibly veer away from the obvious?

"What would you done, Ken? Tell me… Would you have committed suicide just to run away from your problems?"

Surprised, the fallen angel held his breath as he stared at the reflecting light on the polished floor. His heart quaked by the tremendous fear pulsing through him. Each of his nerves shivered as he wrapped his own arms around himself. Taking in a deep breath, his rush of emotions slowly ebbed away. As he shut his eyes, he softly replied, "It hurts… It hurts to live. I don't know what else I can do anymore…"

"Don't run away."

Ken eyed the pallid angel as he noticed his gorgeous crystal cerulean eyes gazing at him ever so carefully. They were so glass-like that they were illuminated by the gymnasium's lighting. Glass-like? That wasn't it. It was almost as if Takeru was nearly on the verge of tears.

"Takeru-kun…?" Ken found himself uttering unconsciously.

"Don't run away from your problems. Tell me that you weren't going to do such a stupid thing. Ken, you weren't going to--" The Bearer of Kindness lowered his head once again out of guilt. Takeru's eyes widen in response to the other boy's deep silence. Clenching his fist, he rose to his feet, facing the fallen angel. "You can't be serious! You're joking, right?"

Never before did Ken hear the blond teenage boy sounded so terribly emotional. He was completely calm and unmoved when telling him about his best friend's death. _This immediate change of emotions… Perhaps Takeru-kun was suppressing his pain. Staring at the Bearer of Hope, the raven haired boy noticed he was holding back his tears, withdrawing any part of him that was human. He really didn't want to appear weak, especially during such a controversial situation._

"Takeru, I wasn't going to do such a thing. I wasn't going to go that far…"

"You're lying," Takeru held his anger back, refusing to raise his voice due to outrage. "You seemed so bent on it if things didn't go well."

"You got it all wrong, Takeru-kun," Ken laughed unnaturally. "I was just going to… Going to…"

The raven haired boy's long pause was held up to suspicion. He could not fill in the words quickly enough to elude the truth. The pallid angel glared at him as he looked away at the other boy for a moment. "I thought so. You were really gonna go that far… Just because people can't see things your way. The fact is, I can't either. No one can… Not if you act this way."

"Takeru-kun…"

"You lie as much as I do," The Bearer of Hope noted. "To protect me, right? Ken, I don't want you to act this way when you're around me. I don't know why I do, but I feel like I should know what you are thinking…What you are feeling… How can I protect you if I don't know you?"

"I—"

"Didn't told you to let me worry or not?"

"Yeah, but…"

"But what…?

"Why do you want to protect me so much all of a sudden?" Ken wondered. "Why are we like this now?"

"What do you think it is, Ken?" The blond teenager wanted him to answer his own question. For the fact is, he had no idea they have become so suddenly close. Hoping that the fallen angel could clear up his confused heart, Takeru awaited for his response.

"What do I think?" he echoed with wide amethyst eyes.

"Yeah, about our relationship. Are we really friends? I doubt we are…," Takeru admitted aloud. Apparently, the Bearer of Kindness did not catch the golden haired angel's gradual epiphany.  "I don't kiss you or hold you close to me for no apparent reason."

"It feels like we like each other, doesn't it?" Ken realized.

"Is that it?"

"No, there's more to it." A smile crept upon the fallen angel's complexion as he explained his feelings in further detail. To remember such a thing, it was incredibly pleasant to his soul. "The way you touch me and comfort me… It makes me feel warm and secure. I feel no fears… No troubles… Like there's nothing bothering me. I feel like the world has disappeared and there's only you and me. It feels perfect."

The blond teenager released a soft laugh in return, causing Ken to feel uneasy. Once the raven haired boy noticed Takeru's curved lips, he was certainly confused. "I thought so…," The Bearer of Hope uttered.

"Huh…?"

"I had felt this strange feeling in me since yesterday," he recollected. "I couldn't describe it. I didn't understand why, but the way you word it, it sounds like we're in love."

The sudden use of the enchanting word suspended Ken's conscious. To hear that word escaping the other boy's lips…Oh, how it made him tremble. His heart began to beat more rapidly in response. This tightening feeling surging through him… He felt like he was unable to breathe, let alone speak another word. Clutching onto his chest, he tried to release all the nervousness plaguing his body. But it did not disperse whatsoever. Instead it continued to grow and evolve. It was such a paralyzing effect upon him.

"Don't you think so?" Ken managed to ask.

"I think I do… I think I do love you."

Ken's heart throbbed once again. If only he could approach him and wrap his arms around the pallid angel to comply… To let his lips melt with his, to touch him ever so more. That was not the case. He allowed himself to fear. Not realizing the pain buried deep in his heart, he didn't want to be with Takeru if he was going to hurt him emotionally. Sure, he did not know how to deal with such issues. Despite that, he had thought about committing suicide. The idea of death had been appealing until Takeru mentioned it.

Doubtful, Ken could not bring himself to be with the Bearer of Hope unless he was sure of it. Not only that, but they were of the same gender. Was it right to let it continue this way? Confused, he did not know what to do. "Are you sure you could love a person like me? It's not—"

"Normal? Feelings are feelings and I want to keep this feeling in me forever."

"But do you really feel that way about me?"

"Did you forgot what I wrote to you? 'I do know that you mean something to me somehow. I don't know why you suddenly became so important to me, but I don't want to lose this feeling…I don't want to lose you, Ken. That's how much you mean to me.' That's what I wrote, isn't it?"

Takeru quoted an excerpt of his written words that the Bearer of Kindness had read earlier in the day. Those words… How they allow him to feel satisfied and calm. How could he allow himself to forget such beautiful words…?

 "Still…" The raven haired boy held his breath in hesitation.

"Still what…?"

 "You can't be with me for an entire day to cheer me up."

"That's nonsense!" Takeru blurted.

"Why…? Why does it sound so absurd?" he shot back.

"Although I'm not there beside you doesn't mean I'm not here for you. I want to be with you – to feel something every day because of you. I love you, Ken."

The fallen angel felt his heart had skipped a beat once he had heard the words he had been wishing to hear. A bursting feeling pulsated from his chest as if his heart and soul wanted to leap out of him. The tormenting pain from earlier suddenly disappeared and melted away by the warmth he felt from the word, love. _Why does Takeru-kun always say the right words to make me feel better…? At the right moments too…_

Ken blinked in response, numbed in shock. "You love me?"

"Yeah, I do…" The Bearer of Hope breathed effortlessly as he kneeled before his fallen angel. His gentle hand reached towards the side of his serene, feminine face. Stroking his delicate fingers over his tender, soft cheek, Ken closed his eyes by the soothing touch of his blue-eye prince. Oh, how it calmed his tormenting soul… How it made him felt free…

"_Honto__ ni?" Ken whispered wearily as he clasped his hand over Takeru's. It was such a childish question, but the blond teenager was obliged to answer it._

"_Honto__ ni...," he murmured with a soft smile._

"_Honto__ ni honto?" he asked again, leaning in more._

"_Honto__ ni honto..."_

Pulling the raven haired boy towards him, the pallid angel wrapped his arms around him tenderly. Letting his body relax, all pressure from his legs vanished into thin air. And so, the two fell back upon the slick wooden floor ever so carefully. With the Bearer of Kindness close to his beating heart, the blond teenager delicately let his fingers wondered through his dark, ebony hair. His fingers slide through his silky hair like calm water. How smooth and gentle it was.

Cupping his hand upon his cheek lightly, Takeru leaned down to let his lips meet with his fallen angel's. Closing his eyes, he allowed his feelings to play out the moment. As the Bearer of Hope's lips melted upon his, Ken felt a strong urge for that warm sensation. He thirsted for more than just a mere kiss. He wanted satisfy his desires and impulses that his heart and soul quenched for. Oh, the temptation of this moment…

Stroking his fingers through his angel's golden locks, he allowed his fingers to caress Takeru's back. The pallid angel cocked his eyebrow in response, noticing that the raven haired boy trailing his hands onto him. Calming himself, he knew the feeling was mutual.

The Bearer of Hope let his mind to drift, allowing his tongue to creep into Ken's mouth. Surprised, Ken's eyes shot opened in response by this foreign invasion. Strangely he did not retaliate; it felt wonderful oddly enough. It was such an interesting feeling that danced in his mouth. Searching, his tongue found his angel's and intertwined in play. Ken found himself moaning by the vast amount of pulsing feelings ignited in his body and soul.

Suddenly, he felt Takeru's hands wondering under his shirt. Realizing what he was doing, the blond teenager stopped and pulled himself away from him. Just when the raven haired boy was exposed to such a heightened impulse, Takeru had to decide to end their moment.

"Takeru-kun?"

"Sorry… I should have asked if you wanted to go that far…"

Ken blinked in response. Stunned, he wouldn't believe that Takeru could possibly be experienced until now. Was this innocent, well-rounded angel more than he seemed? Even so, he didn't want let a moment like this end so soon. He wanted to feel the Bearer of Hope and likewise. Why should they stop?

Clasping onto Takeru's hand, the raven haired boy replied, "I want to…"

Shocked, the pallid angel uttered, "Ken… Are you sure? Don't you think this a bit too quick?"

Shaking his head in return, Ken calmly didn't go against it whatsoever. "No, not at all… Besides I think five-year mutual friendship is enough to make for lost time," he chirped. Rubbing his head, the Bearer of Hope questioned the other boy's reasoning. Sure, it made sense except for the fact that they are attracted yesterday, became lovers now and later will make love with each other. Sighing, it was quite tempting to sleep with his fallen angel. _He did agree after all. When did Ken become so open?_

"Maybe another time…," Takeru replied. "You don't seem like yourself right now. I think we should head to a café first and talk things over first before jumping the gun."

Hearing this, Ken realized that he should allow things to play out on their own instead of forcing them to occur. Besides, Takeru was right. This was a sudden rush – their relationship. They had no reason to progress like this. Not only that, the Bearer of Hope tries to disconnect himself from those who are close with him, which is quite understandable now. Nodding in return, the raven haired boy agreed. 

"Sounds good but it's still raining outside…"

"Drizzling, actually. See?" Takeru pointed to the windows for reference. The clouds outside were still a dreary gray and pattering rain has only slowed down a few notches. A matter of fact, the entire school campus was drenched by rainwater and large puddles were scattered everywhere.

Gazing out, Ken questioned the other boy's definition of 'drizzling'. In his point of view, it was rather pouring. "That's still enough to make someone sick, Takeru-kun. I thought you were against it."

"Heh, I guess I could get sick once in my teenage years," Takeru laughed. The raven haired boy joined him with a lighthearted giggle. Noticing how loose and relax the other boy was, it certainly relieved the Bearer of Kindness. To be this way with him, it was absolutely wonderful. To be with his angel was worth living for…

"My clothes should be somewhat dry by now," Ken realized. "I should change back into them first."

"You don't have to…," the Bearer of Hope suggested. "Just grab them. They're going to get wet again anyway."

That remark just added a point of embarrassment for Ken. Blushing, he tried not to make himself so obvious of what he was currently thinking about. Sure, he would love to stay in the golden haired boy's school uniform, but then again, being caught like this would be the last thing he wanted to do in public. "Heh, that's true, but I don't think you walking around in a basketball jersey and shorts are rather healthy in this weather."

"Fine fine…," Takeru effortlessly surrendered. "We'll change our clothes first. Man, the rain-gets-you-sick reasoning had backfired once again."

Ken chuckled softly. "You're the one who wanted to go to a café."

"Well, let's hurry up then so I can get sick already," Takeru groaned.

"Alright, but no provoking me with temptations."

"Agreed. No provoking."

****

A slim, elegant waitress from the counter carried a circular black tray with two beverages along with an order receipt laid upon a rectangular tray. A tall, frosty glass of iced pennyworth drink with a striped straw gradually became warm by the room temperature as the mug next to it, which was filled with the best French mocha latte, scented the air with the strong creamy coffee smell. Two cinnamon sticks rolled side to side in the milky brown mug by the carefully movement of the waitress.

Laying the tray onto the appropriate table, the waitress served the two gentlemen their drinks accordingly. As she removed the drinks off the tray, Ken picked up the receipt and glared down to the total. The waitress bowed soon after and returned back to her post to wait for the next order.

"You are going to pay for this, right?" The raven haired boy questioned.

"Yeah, don't worry about it," Takeru gestured as he took a sip of his steaming hot, brewed latte. Sighing pleasurably by the thick sweetened taste, it certainly hit the spot to warm up the blond teenage boy's body.

"Do you always order French related drinks and such?" Ken curiously asked.

"Nah, only when I feel like it. You should try it some time."

Pulling out his straw from the deep green beverage, the Bearer of Kindness slurped off the remains on the plastic and placed it into Takeru's drink. The pallid angel blinked as he took a small sample of the mocha latte. The raven haired boy's actions certainly were quite public and very questionable. Takeru was able to relax once Ken drew back and return the straw back into his own drink.

"It's quite tasteful. Although, I'm not a coffee person…"

"Next time, tell me when you're going to do something like that," the Bearer of Hope suggested for future reference. "Mixing pennyworth drink into coffee, I wouldn't have seen the day when that would have happen until now."

The two laughed joyously with glee. Takeru's full contempt expression was certainly a wonderful sight to see. _It is nice to see him like this instead of being glum_, Ken thought. _I feel the same way… His thoughts were suddenly was interrupted by a familiar voice nearby._

"Ken…?" a male voice inquired.

The raven haired boy turned around to find out who intruded in their conversation, as well as his train of thought. Takeru gazed up, following Ken's reflex. There before the two stood a brunette girl and a spiky goggle boy in the school uniform of Odaiba Junior High.

"Daisuke…," the Bearer of Kindness managed to say.

"Hikari-chan…?" Takeru added.

"What are you doing here?" 

**END OF CHAPTER TEN**

**Author's Notes:**   
Whew~!! This took a while to plan out. I mean, I had over ten different scenarios for this chapter. To name some: Dai-kun and Hikari walks in the gym with Takeru and Ken were making out, Takeru and Ken actually do have sex, Takeru and Ken leaving the café and Dai-kun and Hikari sees them, Dai-kun and Hikari already in the café and sees the two passing the window…The list continues. XD

Oh, in case you don't know, a pennyworth drink is blended green veggie stuff, filtered, with additional water and sugar. It's rather good actually. (One of many things I drink. And it's green! ^_^) It may sound disgusting to some of you peeps but it is common in the Asian culture. In Vietnamese, it's called Rau Ma. (Accents somewhere, but too lazy to add…) Drink up! :P

Anyhoo, another long chapter to make up lost time. Half way through the series already…Man, that was fast. And I just started this like two months ago. I can finish this yet! ^o^ I was going to add more of Daisuke and Hikari in this one but couldn't figure out how to pop them back in. So I thought that the two running into Takeru and Ken would have been a bit easier to work from and more reasonable… ^^; Still has no idea how this series would end though. XD But do expect a hanger to be made so a sequel will be made. Why am I talking so much? Review, review, review!


	11. Another Memory: Daisuke Motomiya

**[Heaven's Wish]**  
_Another Memory – Daisuke Motomiya_  
_revised __May 09, 2003_

_Dreams…Desires…Wishes…_  
_I use to have them…_  
_Until they all disappear one day._   
_I don't remember when…_  
_Or how come…_  
_All I could understand was that_  
_It__ hurts, it just hurts.   
_I tried not to think about the pain._   
_In the end, I am reminded._   
  
_

You know, I never thought about having to deal things on my own. But then again, life is full of twists and turns. It certainly amazes me what conflicts and problems exist on my road. A damaged lane here… A broken car on the side… But I manage to overcome these obstacles. Despite all the issues before me, I am not provoked by the darkness. I want to find my final destination somewhere down this road called life. There are so many unexpected possibilities, but there is only one for me.

I never considered myself as a romantic of the sorts… Let alone finding myself falling in love with this girl. Sure, I denied it a lot at my young age. How immature my knowledge about the world was. I really didn't understand the concept whatsoever. Heh, you could say I was superficial, paranoid little boy back in the days. (Like the one who believe girls were parasites, carrying cooties.) Yeah, I think I was kinda like that, sadly enough.

I forgot what day was it when I was finally over it, but all I could remember was her – Hikari Yagami. She was the one who turned me around, yet no one else had thought about it at the time.

It was back in the third grade, I believe, before I knew that Hikari-chan and Takeru Takaishi had some kind of friendship. As far as I knew, I was always shunned out by everyone else, being picked on for the stupidest reasons just because I was me. Funny, how kids can be so cruel to those who act as themselves. At least I never took my problems on someone else.

Though, I think I was weak back then. I was unable to protect myself from all the pummeling I received, but luckily was saved from time to time by some of the upperclassmen like Hikari's brother, Taichi-san. I believe that was how I met him in the first place, but that's beside the fact.

Well, I didn't know Hikari-chan that well to begin with, let alone that she was in the same class as me. Probably one of my pathetic flaws…Inability to detect the existence of others. Even though I was trapped in my own little dark ocean (Probably the best way to describe it.), I think Hikari-chan was observing me from afar. Sure, it sounds stupid and ridiculous, but it surely felt that way.

I mean, I was picked on too much for "my own good" and Hikari-chan, along with my classmates, would always see me all beaten up and bruised. I swear I had broken a limb or two in her presence. I think I felt ashamed of myself to have always appeared so cowardly and accept this maltreatment. I couldn't do anything, I thought. I should just give up and allow them to do anything they want. To inflict their suffering upon me every day… To be the underdog for the rest of myself…I really thought this. Seriously, I did until Hikari-chan was the first to have ever talked to me in my whole life. (Other than my parents and Onee-chan.)

I remembered that day. I was terribly pushed around and my clothes were incredible stained by the grass. The school bell rang and hid myself away from everyone. Running away from my problems, per se. I was so discouraged to return to class and so, I wandered into a gardening shack. I think I had stayed there for half the day while everyone from my class was looking for me by our teacher's request.

My name was called over and over, but I shielded it out of my mind. I didn't want to go back. Why would I? I was afraid. Yes, me…Afraid. Doesn't really happen often, now does it? But I had every right to be. I had no friends at school. Everybody thought I always acted too strange. But how can a person be strange when normality can't even be determined? It's damn stupid, I tell you. Then again, kids don't know any better than adults.

After a while, everyone just gave up looking for me, believing I ran home or something. Shows how much effort a kid has. But then, I heard someone still calling my name. It was certainly faint, but I could hear it. When I was sitting in the dark of the shack, I wondered who was that, yelling out to me to return. I finally got the guts to check outside. I wanted to find out who didn't give up me. I wanted to know the person who didn't thought I was some loss cause.

As I crept out of the gardening shack, there was this girl in a pink overall dress with a whistle dangling around her neck. She had a gentle look upon her face as she ran to me. I blinked in astonishment. I could remember feeling her warmth pulsating from her soul. It was such a mysterious feeling. And then she finally spoke to me.

"Are you okay, Daisuke-kun?" she asked me. "Why did you run away like that?"

I was speechless. This girl, the only person who cared to bother looking out for me, questioned my actions. No one had ever bothered asking why I do such things, let alone understands why. They just leave me be. I really hated that, but I had forgotten all of that by Hikari-chan's concern.

I could recollect that I never answered her in return. I just nodded my head silently. I wanted to say something directly to her, but I think I was still indulging on the idea of her talking to me. No matter, Hikari was the first of many others to interact with me, to exist in my life. As far I know, she was the one who changed my personality.

I lost that dull, shy personality months later by confrontation of Hikari-chan and started playing soccer because of Taichi-san's encouragement. By the fifth grade, I had become such an outgoing, energetic goggle-boy. By the fifth grade, I felt jealous.

I never felt that way before until I met Takeru. I felt green with envy all over, just because of this blue-eye kid who waltzed right in and flirted with Hikari-chan immediately. (Well, perhaps not flirting with her. I think my memory is a bit deluded.) To befriend Hikari-chan so easily, I was jealous of that. To talk to her so easily, I was jealous of that because I was unable to when I first knew her.

Funny, how I blushed when I felt that way. I think that's when I started to have feelings for Hikari-chan. I may be mistaken, but I believe so.

During our adventures in the Digital World, I can't help but wonder why Hikari-chan looked so depressed from time to time. Her saddened eyes made me always want to do something for her. After all, I could only remember her for that smile from that day when she was looking for me. I hated when she was down in the dumps. Because when she felt that way, somehow I felt it too. I know it sounds "strange", but that's what I felt. It's really hard to explain. I guess that's what people mean about empathy.

I continued to watch her… her and Takeru. After a while, I had given up on my feelings for Hikari-chan for I thought that she would end up with Takeru. They were always so close, like how we used to be. I missed that… Those days… But it didn't make me sad somehow, to not be with Hikari-chan. I think I was always with her. Every time I wanted to protect her… Every time I wanted to cheer her up… Every time I wanted her to smile… That was me all that time, the "me" that she accepts. I didn't need to change myself for her. Sure, I changed over the course of the years, but I decided to. I was satisfied by that, so losing Hikari-chan wasn't so painful. Perhaps that's the reason why I had little desires and dreams compare to everyone else. Because I was already happy…

I think I've become much stronger and mature over the years and I have Hikari-chan to thank. It is because of her I have become the person I am today. I'm glad to have met such a wonderful person to share part of my life with. I don't regret ever falling in love with her. The feeling itself doesn't make me feel alone. I just hope that she is happy being with Takeru, for I will be contempt watching her at a distance…

**END OF SIDE STORY 01**

**Author's Notes:**   
I thought I should have some random side stories about the minor characters in their perspective to play out some of the background stories. For you Daisuke fans, I hope you like this short side story about his past and personal feelings towards Hikari. If you hadn't figure it out by now, this takes place when Takeru and Hikari was an item. I thought I wrote this pretty well, knowing that this is coming from a 13-year-old Daisuke. Don't you sympathize with him? But hey, you guys already know that he does end up with Hikari. How? It'll be touched in the next side story. ^_^ (Whenever that will be.)


	12. Memory 11: If Only

**[Heaven's Wish]**  
_Memory 11 - If Only..._  
_revised __June 27, 2003_

_To be in such a situation like this…  
To be seen like this…  
I never thought I would be troubled.  
Until now…  
Here we are, together  
Yet I feel I need to hide the truth about us.  
Should I do such a thing?  
Should the lies continue?  
What should we do?_

Surprised, Ken gazed at them with such a stunned expression upon his face. His body gradually became numb and nervous by the presence of Daisuke and Hikari. Gripping his slacks as a method of security, he would never have thought he and his pallid angel would have run into the two on this occasion. Even so, Takeru didn't seem distressed by their arrival. It was like he was expecting something like this to occur one day. But why this day…? Why today…? Why couldn't it be further into the future instead of the presence? Sighing, the raven haired boy tried to gather all his courage to tell the two the reason why he was here. After all, Tamachi is pretty far from Odaiba and his presence was quite questionable.

As he took in a deep breath, Ken was on the edge of spilling the truth about him and Takeru until the blond teenager interrupted and replied for him on his behalf. "Ichijouji-kun came to visit us at school, but only found me there at the time," the blue-eyed young man lied innocently before he took another sip of his coffee. Glancing at the Bearer of Hope, Ken was certainly amazed how casually he lied to the two with such an easy-going expression glossed over his fake self. 

What was truth? What were lies? Takeru had certainly covering up every bit of his true self. Surely they had noticed it by now, but were they planning to stop it from continuing? _To stop Takeru from hiding away behind that façade…_ Ken reminded himself. _That's what he wanted, right? So why is he still lying? What reason do you have to cover this up? Will Daisuke and Hikari-chan believe it though, the lie that Takeru created?_

"Visiting us?" The goggle boy echoed as he buried his hands into his pockets. Giving his best friend a confused look, he questioned former rival's reasoning. Directing his attention only towards Ken, Daisuke asked, "But don't you have cram school or something?" 

"Yeah, but…" The Bearer of Kindness uttered hesitantly, looking down at the table. It was difficult to lie to the spiky haired teenager when he could practically see through all his doubts and frustrations in this conversation. Still, he was in no place to take immediate action at the time.

"But what…? Did they cancel the class today…?" Hikari wondered.

At that point, the Bearer of Kindness felt cornered but the long haired brunette's question. Daisuke and Hikari knew about the other boy's schedule quite precisely despite the fact he no longer could find the time for them. Sad to say, he regretted ever telling them in response to the situation. But he did tell them, he couldn't change that. What's done is done. But can he counter this? How could he manage to avoid an extended conversation? With the lie Takeru had created hanging in the wind, the best he could do is play along to avoid any more conflicts in the facts. 

"Yeah, they did," he confirmed forcefully.

"Oh, in that case, mind if we join you two?" Daisuke politely inquired, though still suspicious.

"Go ahead, but I got to go." Takeru replied.

Shocked, the dark haired teenage boy couldn't believe what his beloved pallid angel had just said. Was he really going to leave Ken by his lonesome? To leave him with Daisuke and Hikari…? What was the meaning of this?

"Now? Oh, come on, Takeru-kun...!" the auburn haired girl protested. "It's been a long time since we hanged out together."

"Not really. Remember we did hang out yesterday," he remarked coldly as he grabbed his belongings.

"But…" Ken said gently, catching the pallid angel's attention. An awkward silence grew between the two teenage boys, causing Daisuke and Hikari to be suspicious of the situation. What did they walk into?

"Guess we'll talk some other time, Ichijouji-kun," he replied calmly. "Well, I'll see you guys around. Later." Throwing his school bag over his shoulder, the Bearer of Hope departed from the group. Hesitant, he did really want to leave his fallen angel like this. Standing idly at the café's entrance, he glanced at Ken temporarily. That endless gaze of crystal sapphires locked onto the raven haired teen's eyes. Forcing himself to leave, Takeru pushed open the door and exited the café silently.

The rain hadn't died out yet. The icy, chilly drops of water pierced through the blond's clothes, wetting his entire body. As the pallid angel walked passed the window where they had sat, Ken quickly rose to his feet.

"Ken?" Daisuke muttered, unaware about his best friend's actions of the moment.

"Sorry, but there's something I need to do!"

"Ichijouji-kun, what's going on?" Hikari asked.

"I'll tell you guys when the time is right, but now is not the time. I'm sorry, but I have to go. Ja ne!" Quickly grabbing his school bag, the dark haired boy rushed out of the room and dashed in the direction where Takeru headed.

"What was that about, I wonder…?" The spiky haired teen replied as he seated himself.

"Who knows…" Hikari joined him.

"Maybe…" Daisuke said under his breath.

"Maybe what…?" the brunette girl curiously asked with such innocent eyes.

"Maybe Ken had found that person…," he pondered as he clamped his hands before his face.

"That person? What do you mean?"

"Erm, nevermind," Daisuke replied, drawing away from the subject. "Say, we should order something."

"Daisuke-kun…"

"Hmm…?"

"You know something, don't you?" Hikari accused as she pointed her index finger between his two copper red eyes.

"Wh-what?! Me?" he denied as he grasped onto her hand to move it out of his view.

"Oh, come on! Spill!" The Bearer of Light groaned.

"You wanna know what I know…? I think Ken finally found his special person, someone who he holds dear," the goggle boy uttered uncomfortably.

"You mean, he's in love with someone…?"

"I believe 'that someone' was the blond who rushed out of here."

"Ehhhh~!!" cried out Hikari with an explosive surprised expression across her face. You mean-"

"Bingo! Looks like it…"

"When did you know?" she wondered.

"Right now…"

"What…?! Right now, but how?"

"Ken made it a bit too obvious when he kept eying Takeru and chasing after him when he left. Plus, when asked why he was here, Takeru covered up for him, probably to protect their relationship or something."

"That's some detective work."

Daisuke chuckled solemnly as the waitress gave them their menus. "Well, I learn from the best."

"And who would that be…?"

Flicking his finger on Hikari's forehead for her lack of realization, the spiky haired teenage boy grinned. As she rubbed the area where Daisuke smacked, the auburn haired girl noticed he placed his index finger upon her nose.

"_Kimi wa_," he carefully enunciated as he winked at her. Giggling shyly, Hikari blushed, covering her face with the menu. Daisuke laughed as returning back to skimming through the choices of drinks available.

****

Running through the rain as fast as he could, the cold rain blinded the Bearer of Kindness's vision. The pouring waters did not calm down any further which made it difficult for him to search for his pallid angel. Where could he have disappeared to so quickly? He was following him for a second and suddenly lost him in the crowds. Dashing down the streets and through stairways, Ken wandered the city, trying to find Takeru. Still, there was no trace of him. With the growing frozen air, the raven haired boy's endurance towards the rain gradually weakened.

Minutes grew into hours. Coughing, the chilly weather had certainly got to him. This didn't stop him from proceeding further on. He was completely drenched and numb, but he could not allow himself to be defeated so easily. _Why did you leave all of a sudden, Takeru? Are you afraid too? Are you afraid of what will become of us…? Unless it's something I don't know about. Are you still hiding from everyone, the true Takeru? Where are you? Where are you when I need the answers from you…?_

Exhausted, he found himself at the park near the Rainbow Bridge. In the end, he failed to find that golden haired _bishounen_. Have he returned back home? If he did, he no longer had the energy to go look for him once again. He was on the verge of collapsing to his knees. As he attempted to search one last time before heading back to Tamachi, Ken heard his name being called out.

"Ichijouji-kun…?"

Turning around, he saw a teenage boy in an Odaiba Junior High uniform with that very blond hair and deep ocean blue eyes from afar. That face… Could it really be? Weakly, he smiled and muttered softly, "I finally found you… Takeru…" At that very moment, the raven haired boy lost consciousness and fainted in the winter rain. With cold water pounded his body, the Bearer of Hope paused. His deep ocean blue yes widened as his mind was filled by shock.

"KEN~!!" The pallid angel cried out as he rushed to him immediately. Cradling his fallen angel, the other boy felt as if he was lifeless. He showed no evidence of energy expect for his beating heart that burned through the golden haired teenage boy's senses. Takeru tried to shake him awake, panicking about the situation. "Ken, come on. Wake up!"

Placing his forehead against his own, raging warmth emerged from the raven haired boy. "A fever…," Takeru told himself. "Not good at all." Shaking Ken once more, his fallen angel appeared like he would never wake. Still, he got no response. Quickly, the Bearer of Hope kneeled to his knees to toss the dark haired teen over his shoulders. Grasping onto his legs tightly, the pallid angel carried him away from the rain.

_Stupid Ken…! Why did you pushed yourself to look for me? Am I really that important to you? Do you feel the same about me? Is that why you did this to yourself? Ken, why? Why couldn't you wait for me? You are such a reckless idiot, you know that…_

****

Pulling the sheets over Ken, the pallid angel carefully tried not to disturb the raven haired boy from his deep sleep. As he placed one hand on his forehead and the other on the other boy's, he sighed softly, relieved that Ken's fever slowly died down. Still, the Bearer of Hope was certainly bothered by the idea of the fallen angel walking in the rain carelessly. The other boy could have gotten pneumonia, fortunately that wasn't the case.

Grabbing his chair from his desk, he rolled it beside the bed and seated himself. As he rested his elbows on the mattress, the blond teenager noticed the other boy groaning groggily. Takeru backed away for a moment, trying to wake the dark haired Chosen. Luckily, the blue-eyed young boy didn't.

Cautiously, Takeru let his hand caress his cheek softly. Noticing his locks of ebony shielding his angel's eyes, he carefully stoked it aside and stared at the boy's beautiful pale face. When asleep, the Bearer of Kindness appeared more gorgeous and pure. God, he wished his sapphire eyes won't stop gazing upon his handsomeness. When Ken murmured once again, Takeru pulled away quickly.

"Takeru…?" the raven haired boy mumbled as he tried to sit himself up.

"Hey, you should lie down," The Bearer of Hope suggested as he gently pushed him back into bed.

"Where am I?" he asked as he rubbed his eyes.

"In my room," Takeru replied hastily.

"Your room?"

"Yeah… You're lucky that I was able to carry you all the way here. After a while, you get heavy, you know that."

Ken laughed gently, avoiding coughing. "Where's your mother?"

"Okaa-san's out working again so…"

"Oh… Is it always like this?"

Looking at Ken blankly, Takeru did not comprehend what he was referring to. Perhaps he did understood what he meant clearly, but he rather not want to talk about it. Still, the fallen angel didn't mention it. As of the moment, he was more bothered by the idea of Ken reckless behavior. Is it supposed to be this way? Is life supposed to be hard? Is there no easy way out? Perhaps that's why he felt affectionate towards the fallen angel. The other boy supports him through life somehow. Just his presence seems intensely significant… Perhaps that's the reason why he feel he should speak to him. Looking at him once again, the blond teenage boy inquired, "Like what?"

"You being alone… Are you always alone?"

"Yeah, with Okaa-san always working like this… Of course I am," he replied in a cheerful tone.

"Aren't you lonely to return to this every day?"

Takeru paused for a moment in response to Ken's question. Was he saddened by the idea of coming hone to no one? Was he depressed not being able to talk to anyone or have anyone respond back? Was it lonely? How can he say he's not? It's obvious, yet he didn't want to utter such a thing. His mother had to work and with her always preoccupied, that's how it will be. There's not way to change it. It just can't be helped. "Not really, I'm pretty much use to this."

"Really…"

"Yeah… I am…," he replied in a stern, cold tone.

"You don't seem like it…"

"How can you tell? You're here, aren't you?"

The raven haired boy peered at him surprisingly. Blushing, he turned to his side so his reddened complexion does not show. Takeru smirked by his childish action and chuckled softly to himself, inaudible to the fallen angel's ears. "Yeah… That's true," Ken answered.

"So how can I be lonely?" he countered.

"Takeru… So if I'm always here, you wouldn't be lonely, right?"

"Yeah, of course…"

"But what if you're not here for me?"

"Ken…?"

"You told me that you'll listen to me… But you just rushed out of the coffee shop when Daisuke and Hikari-chan came. You left me there alone to fend for myself…"

"Ken, I didn't mean--"

"Were you afraid to stay there?"

"That's not it…"

"Then why? Why did you abandon me back there? Why did you lie to Daisuke and Hikari-chan about me being here in Odaiba? I came here for you. I came here so I could see you. I thought I heard correctly today when I heard you say that you love me. Because I feel that way too... I love you too, Takeru."

"Is that what you really feel or is it because you're lonely, Ken?"

"Of course this is how I feel. Sure, I'm lonely… But that's not why I love you."

"Then why? Because my being here for you just seem like you only need my comfort."

"Do you think I'm using you?"

"Are you?" Takeru wondered.

"No, I'm not!" The Bearer of Kindness resented.

"Then why…?"

"Because you mean something to me… For some sort of reason, you do everything to help me or feel better about myself. Yeah, it's comfort… But there's something about it that's so different… I don't know why, but it does."

"Is that love?" he inquired in return.

"I guess it is…"

"Strange… I have yet to feel all of that…"

"How can I help you feel free from your worries if you don't talk to me? If only you talk to me, then maybe you could feel that… To shatter that fake self…"

"Talk to you, huh…"

"Yeah, just talk about anything…"

"Anything?"

"Anything on your mind… Just say it."

"How can you change yourself? Your character so others will think otherwise…? I want to do that…," The pallid angel uttered. "But no one knows the real me…"

"Maybe you should show them the real Takeru who is talking to me… The one who doesn't hide his past and feelings… The one who suffers like everyone… The one who isn't invincible…Then they will know."

"To reveal that isn't that easy…"

"Yeah, I know… I have the same trouble as well."

"Hmmm?"

"All this time, I thought no one understood me… But really I keep everything to myself. Maybe that's why they don't know that I suffer along with them."

"Your classmates…?"

The raven haired boy nodded in response as he turned to the other side to face his beloved. Throwing his arms over the sheets, he sighed. "Maybe because I believe they already knew… Assuming that they understood me… I guess I screwed myself over for thinking to highly about them."

"That may relate to me as well… Everyone knew about Miki's death. Although they knew I was hurting, they had no idea that I witness it… Touched his blood… Saw him dying… I guess I wanted them to know what I was feeling, how tormented I was… But just couldn't say it. I suppose I lost myself that day, the true me…"

"Is that it? Is that the main reason why you take anti-depressants…Because of emotional withdraw or trauma?" Ken asked.

"Yeah, that pretty much sums it up."

"Then, what about your headaches?"

"Just some side effect I get… That and tiredness."

"That makes sense then…"

There was a dead silence between them. A dark sadness emerged in the atmosphere by the subject of Miki Akatsu. It was a serious topic they seemed to touch today. Funny, how the golden haired boy was exposed this truth so easily without any hesitation. He uttered the words so freely to the fallen angel yet cannot find himself to speak about it amongst others. Why is that? Why only to him? Perhaps he believed that Ken would understand, for Death ruled his life as well.

"Ken…?"

"Yeah…?"

"You know I didn't mean to leave you behind, right?"

"I believe you. Whatever reason, I'll respect it."

"You mean, you don't need to know?"

Shaking his head, the Bearer of Kindness smiled gently to the other boy. Takeru blinked in response, unable to find words of gratitude to say. "No… I really don't need to… Because you listened to me and talked to me… That's good enough for me."

"Thank you for being so understanding."

"Same here…"

Rising to his feet, Takeru stretched his weary arms carefully. As he headed towards his bedroom's door, the blond teenager heard the other boy murmured, "Where are you going?"

Looking at his dear angel, he released a reassuring grin. "Just going to use the phone. I have to inform your mom that you're at my place and going to head home a bit late, y'know…"

"Takeru…?"

"Yeah?"

"Could you tell her that I'm staying here for the night? There's no school tomorrow, so she'll let me…"

Seeing the raven haired boy in this condition, it's understandable why Ken would request such a thing. He looked terrible and exhausted. He was in no condition to return home on his own. And even if he escorted the fallen angel to his apartment complex, he may collapse once again. With a calm and sincere gaze, Takeru nodded. "Sure, I'll tell that…"

"Arigato…"

"Just take it easy and rest, okay?" the golden haired teenage boy suggested as he stood by the door.

"Mmm…Yeah…," he grumbled as he covered his face with the blanket to keep himself warm. As Takeru left the fallen angel by his lonesome, the raven haired boy gazed at the nightstand beside the bed. There, within his view was the star-carved orb paperweight that he gave Takeru the other day. Lying under it was that note that slipped into the other boy's trench coat as well. _He kept them close to him…_The dark haired boy's lips curved as he drifted to sleep. _Thank you, Takeru for being so kind…_

**END OF CHAPTER 11**

**Author's Notes:**  
Man, this was a late chapter update. Stupid job of mine makes me had less time to write. I have so many fanfic ideas in my head and I just want to write them all! XD Anyhoo, I hope you guys like this chapter. I kinda flaked off on the descriptive language in this one, but hey you get more dialogue this time. I'll probably revise this in chapter in the future because it feels rushed.

It took so much time to plan out how to go about the Hikari and Daisuke scene. I mean, I had to have them figure out the relationship somehow. And since I made Daisuke an observant character, I used him to reveal that he knows what the heck is going on. (Fast relationships = Fast realizations.)

In case you guys are wondering how the heck all of Takeru's presents, including the one Ken gave him, were in his room at the Takaishi Residence, it's rather simple. Yamato dropped them off there. I'm going to make a side story about that with chapter 12 about it. You guys will totally laugh about it. :p Hehehe… He had to have chores despite the fact he's a rock idol, you know. Well enough blabbering, go R&R! ^o^


	13. Another Memory: Yamato Ishida : black

**[Heaven's Wish]**  
_Another Memory – Yamato Ishida // side black_  
_revised __July 03, 2003_

_Doubt and anxiety…_  
_They trouble me very much._   
_I can't change anything…_  
_I can only create._   
_To see them through…_  
_To watch them play out…_  
_I just hope…_  
_That it'll turn out for the better._   
_I want it that way…_  
  


Have you ever wondered if you were doing the right thing? Have you ever second-guessed your abilities because of someone or an incident? I did… yet again… Funny how things seem to be perfect one time and then terrible the next. I guess that's how life supposed to be. It's a spirally, ferocious rollercoaster that went haywire. An everlasting ride of fear and yet enjoyment… A two-sided coin, I guess. Life can be difficult and painful if you allow yourself to believe it, but it can be wonderful to you looked otherwise. Unfortunately, I can't find myself to believe that anymore.

When you think about death, should a person feel happy about it? Should you feel happy to lose someone close to you? I know I wouldn't, but that's what Takeru does when I visit him. It's been only a week since then… Since his best friend, Miki Akatsu and his family died.

Who is Miki Akatsu, you ask? His best friend since kindergarten who dyed his hair to red and got an ear piercing when he was eight… Yeah, you can already tell what kind of person he was with that description. But seriously, he was a good person, probably the number one person you want as a friend.

Even so, a person like him shouldn't have to deal with a dysfunctional family, but hey, who has a family that isn't? Still, his family was worse off than having divorced parents. I won't explain the rest since you know how it all ended – with them all dead.

It has gained quite much media exposure, being reported as a homicide-suicide case. I think that all this coverage drove Takeru to distance himself. No one knows that he was a witness except me… I promised him that I wouldn't get him involve, but I feel like I should say something, you know.

Here I am, holding back a fragment of the truth that could end it all… End all of this nonsense… But then again, I am in no position to say anything. It should be Takeru's choice and not mine. With Takeru having this emotional withdraw, maybe I should decide for him. He must be incredibly traumatized and his judgment is impaired. What am I saying? Do I really want to do this to him? I feel like I would be betraying his trust. Damn, I really don't know what to do anymore.

Maybe, I should get Takeru some help first before jumping the gun. I mean, murder cases often take months, perhaps years, to be concluded. But for Takeru, I don't want him to suffer that long. He has his whole life just waiting for him. Yet with him, what has his life been about? He's been exposed to death since he was eight. Experiencing death over and over…To go through so much pain for so long would drive anyone mad. When will he be relieved from so much suffering? Really… I can't see this in a lighter view.

Why does he act that way? How can he laugh and smile so carefree when this is really eating him away from the inside out? Maybe it's just me… Maybe it's destroying me too. I don't know. I'm just confusing myself.

I had always been like this when something happens to Takeru, I guess. Just some weird instinct I have gotten as an older brother over the years, you know. Something in my gut tells me that he's bothered by all of this. His cold attitude and lack for conversation compared to his happy-go-lucky attitude he shows to everyone… He keeps telling me, "I'm fine…" when truthfully, he's not. Has he always been like this? How come I didn't notice this until now?

I feel like I have been neglecting him ever since the Teenage Wolves made it big. I guess I'm not that useful to him now… Even more so… With me always moving about and traveling, how can I know? Sure, I call him and e-mail him, but when it's not done face-to-face, how would I know if he's depressed or cheerful? For all I know, he could be lying.

No, I shouldn't think that, but I'm starting to believe it. I suppose he's trying to protect himself like how I use to be. Man, what a great brother I am… I had influenced my kid brother to become a cold-hearted brat. Great… Well, no point of me to dwell on the idea. Been there, done that… I don't need to screw myself over into self-depression again. I need to be responsible even though I'm not always there.

But what can I do? He ignores me… My advices… The words I utter… They don't reach him. Damn, was I like that? My hotheaded arrogance must have gotten on everyone's nerves. How did I finally realize that everyone was right? If only I could remember that far… Maybe, just maybe that's the key to helping Takeru.

I just need him to listen to me for once. Back in the days, he would. But then again, he grew up and starting to think for himself. He doesn't need to listen to me if he doesn't want to. I have to remember that too.

Funny how I used to isolate myself and Takeru was more open. Looks like we switched roles… So what can I do to get that Takeru back, the one who was more rational? I know what I want to do, but how can I do it? I've talked to him but only via phone. Maybe I should do it personally… When will I find the time for him though? Tomorrow I'm heading off to Osaka with the band to continue our tour, "Ultima Stella"…

As much as I'm so excited about the turnout of our concerts, I shouldn't wait that long. Takeru is my top priority. I should talk to him once he comes home. He probably won't listen at first, but I'd rather be of some help somehow. Maybe I'll discuss the Akatsu case with Kaa-san before I leave. I want to help my kid brother, you know. 

I just hope Takeru won't hate me for what I'm about to do. I have to tell someone what's going on. I don't want to let this continue on. Even so, this could become worse if anyone outside our family knows… If anyone else knew, the facts could be altered and manipulated, perhaps jeopardize Takeru's safety. If any stranger knew I'm Takeru's brother, then the paparazzi would definitely be stirring some nasty tall-tale stories. I have to be careful on how I approach this.

I probably would regret it, but what's right is right and what's wrong is wrong. Okay, that's not always true since rules and regulations always change. I guess I just have to believe what I'm doing is the right thing like I always have. I just wish it won't backfire and become worse.

Well, first thing's first and that is to talk to Takeru about all of this. He should decide. I shouldn't force it upon him. Takeru should have a say in this. After all, he'd seen what happened, not me. I'll wait for his decision. That's what I should do. That's the right thing to do.

Okay, let's get this over with… Wish me luck. I'll need it. 

**END OF SIDE STORY 2**

**Author's Notes:**

How's that for you? Man, I got depressed when I wrote this up. Why did I write up such an angsty background for Yamato and Takeru? **shrugs** Eh, whatever… Though it really makes you really sad… ;_; Unlike Daisuke's narration style, I made Yamato's more straightforward and hesitant instead of a dreamy and hopeful storytelling. Quite suitable for his character, I believe. In case you didn't know the timeline, this occurs during Takeru's first year in junior high during the fall. (That's when Japanese students have their midterms, right? O.o Trying to remember all of this hurts my brain on a hot day.) Anyhoo, the second Yamato side story, "side white" will come with chapter 12. Hopefully it'll be up soon. ^_^ Well, now go on now and review.


	14. Memory 12: This Is What I Feel

**[Heaven's Wish]**  
_Memory 12 – This Is What I Feel_  
_revised __July 11, 2003_

_I know I love him…_  
_I know how he feels…_  
_But something seems missing._   
_I don't know why…_  
_But when I see him,_   
_My__ heart aches.   
_Why does it hurt?_   
_Why it that…?_  
_Why can't I feel pleased with my life…?_  
  
_

Takeru leaned against the door effortlessly as he exited his bedroom, leaving Ken to recuperate. Taking in a deep breath, his cerulean blue eyes stared at the vast colorless ceiling. Those distant, saddened eyes were lost to the blank top. It was plain eggshell white, nothing more. If only that ceiling were filled with colors. From an energetic, beaming yellow to a calming blue, he needed something there to show him the liveliness of reality. But alas, it remains a pale, empty color like the missing pieces of his thirsting heart and soul. Why can't he see these colors instead of the monochrome tones of the dark side of the world? Why could he create a brightness in which he could enjoy? He had the power to if he desired to, but something held him back… Something he could bring himself to overcome. That something was death. 

Death, separation, hardships… These factors seemed to get the best of him. Why couldn't he forget about it or at least deal with it? For that matter, he couldn't determine the reason. Perhaps that's the reason he couldn't get close to anyone because he refused to. To be seen like everyone else… To not be forced into a fate in which he himself does not approve… To become more courageous and break through the cage that he trapped himself in… He wanted to do that and yet, all this time, he had failed to do so. Perhaps he was afraid to. Afraid to change for the better, afraid that he might forget what had happened to him… But to stay in one place while everyone continues to flow along their own paths was not worth staying the past. 

Funny, how his ideology was altered since yesterday since he spoke to the raven haired angel. There was something about that other boy that wanted him to move on and yet not forget. A young boy who wishes to prove to others that he was no longer his old self… Maybe that's the reason he wanted to change himself even more so because of him. _If Ken is fighting other people's personal views about him, I should at least try to. I should try to prove that I want to decide my own life… That I don't want to follow this woven path everyone expects me to go by. Why can't I just say it?_

Frustrated, he went into the kitchen and grabbed a tall glass from the cupboard. As he filled the transparent cup with icy, cold water, his thoughts fell into a complete daze. His body became stiff and numb, remembering that time. If only he could relieve himself of this emotional scar.

_"If he loved her, why did he abuse her…? If I love my parents, why did I kill him…?"_

Takeru's mind winced at the thought of his decreased friend's voice. He couldn't understand the fact how that came to be. With Miki dead along with his parents, he may never know. The unanswered question that's buried in his heart of hearts…

_"I want to forget all of this… I want to disappear… Will you do that for me, Takeru? Will you help me disappear from this world…? Because I tired of it all…"_

Taking a sip of the cool liquid, the pallid angel was still tortured by that part of his past. Why did he stay…? Why didn't he run away? Did he really care about his best friend that much? To not abandon him… In a way, he did. He didn't stop the boy from killing himself or help him out of that horrible situation. How could allow himself to be his best friend if he didn't do anything for him? Perhaps that's what hurts him the most. He just did nothing but watch. Maybe his body was in shock that day, to see such a gruesome scene. If only he could change that day, but that part of history has become permanent.

If this is the case, how can he desire to protect Ken from the awful darkness of society if he himself couldn't have done so before? If only he felt more reassured... To know that he could be there for his fallen angel… To care for him… To protect him… If only he had the confidence to express himself that way instead of running away from it all.

Running away… That's what he really did when he left the café. Sure he had no problem starting a relationship with Ken, but what's been bothering me is everyone's impression of him. Everyone sees him so differently through their own perspective and if this gets out, would it improve his situation or worsen it. Why does he feel so selfish now? Shouldn't he worry about other things other than himself? Maybe because he hadn't been selfish since he was little. He had always wanted things and believed otherwise. He wanted to be with Ken and that's a fact. It's up to him accept it if he desires. It's up to him to do something about it. The same goes for Ken and the other boy made it clear that he wishes to be with him. "I guess I'm just afraid what the future will hold for us…"

Grabbing the cordless phone, Takeru set his glass upon the coffee table before he dialed the number for Ken's apartment. Taking another gulp of water, he carefully pressed the buttons. As the phone rang on the other end, the Bearer of Hope waited for someone to pick up the telephone.

_"Hello…?"_ A female voice spoke from the other end. _"This is the Ichijouji Residence."_

"Ichijouji-kaachan… This is Takeru Takaishi," he calmly replied.

_"Oh, hi~!!__ How are you?" Mrs. Ichijouji remarked enthusiastically. _

"I'm fine, thank you."

_"If you want to talk Ken right now, he's not home at the moment, I'm afraid,"_ she informed him sadly.

"Well, actually…," Takeru murmured as he rubbed his head. "He's here with me at my place."

_"Oh, I was kinda getting worried there…!" _she exclaimed as her voice sounded incredibly relieved.__

"Sorry…," The Bearer of Hope apologized.

_"Oh, Takeru-kun.__ Don't worry about it. I'm glad that you did call."_

"Well, I'll get straight to the point. Ken asked me to tell you that he'll be staying here for tonight. Is that fine with you, Ichijouji-kaachan?"

_"Yes, that's fine with me… Although, I want to ask you something…"_

"What is it?"

_"How come you're calling on my son's behalf?"_

"He's taking a nap and I didn't want to wake him."

_"Is that it?"_

"Yeah, don't worry. He's in good hands."

_"Sorry for sounding so worry."_

"You are his mother after all. It's understandable."

_"Well, I'll let you continue doing whatever you were doing. Tell Ken-chan to call me tomorrow before he heads home, alright?"_

"Sure, no problem."

_"Take care, Takeru-kun."_

"You too. _Ja__ ne…!"_

Pushing the off button, Takeru released a wearily sigh. As he sat himself on the sofa, the blond teenager leaned his back and stared back at the plain ceiling. Placing the back of his hand upon his forehead, he slowly closed his eyes. _Ken, your mother really cares about you unlike mine… With no one here, it does get lonely. Even when Okaa-san is here, I feel the same. But you seem to fill that avoid. It's you I need, Ken… To prove I'm alive._

****

Opening his eyes with caution, Ken awoke on his side, facing the gift he had given Takeru the other day. Smiling, he couldn't help thinking what made the other boy place the star-engraved orb next to his bed. The raven haired boy was certainly curiously why he didn't put the present at his desk instead. Was it intentional or just unconsciously done? Whatever it was, he was glad that the pallid angel left it outside. For some sort of reason, it means so much to the dark haired Chosen. To him, it was somehow important and symbolic. Although the gift itself seemed insignificant, for it was a paperweight, it gained personal value.

As the Bearer of Kindness sat up, the raven haired boy realized he was completely nude. With the sheets covering him, he did not notice until now. Perhaps it was because of his fever he couldn't feel the difference. "When did Takeru…?" Then it hit him. It was the pallid angel was the one who completely undressed him when he was unconscious. Blushing at the thought, he didn't know if he should be furious or thankful. After all, if he were to stay in his amp uniform, he could have gotten much more ill than now. But that's be sides the point. Right now, he needed to find some clothes. Unfortunately, his school uniform was nowhere to be found in Takeru's bedroom. 

Trying to roll out of bed, the fallen angel only had enough strength to push off the blanket over him. Still, he wanted to get out of the room for the time. To get some air perhaps… As he slipped his feet away from the sheets, the door opened carefully and Takeru entered in quietly. Quickly, Ken grabbed the pale green sheets over himself as the pallid angel eyed him.

"T-Takeru…!" the raven haired boy stuttered as his face glowed a bright red.

"Shouldn't you be resting?" The Bearer of Hope inquired with concern as he sat himself right next to him. Although the raven haired boy was shy and embarrassed at the moment, Takeru was quite indifferent.

"Well, I just wanted to…You know… Go outside of this room for the time."

"If that's what you want, then for what reason?"

"I had my reason, but he walked into this room a couple of minutes ago," Ken teased truthfully.

"Oh really, did he?" The blond teenager chimed. "Why him?"

"Because he can keep me company… And I could talk to him. I mean, it'll be strange for me to talk to myself, here…. Alone… In the dark…," The Bearer of Kindness trailed as he mumbled the details.

"Sounds like this guy is very important to you."

"Of course he is… For some sort of reason, he means a lot to me."

Takeru nodded to himself, remembering that the other boy does feel that way as well. Standing up, he gazed at the ceiling of his room once again. That vast emptiness seemed much smaller now. Unaware of the pallid angel's thoughts, Ken stared at him carefully… His distant eyes became suddenly warm and that stiff expression softened. He certainly seemed much different now in his eyes.

Kneeling before his nightstand, Takeru adjusted the lamp to aim its light upon the star-engraved orb. Confused, Ken looked over the Bearer of Hope's shoulder, observing what he was doing. Once prepared, the golden haired teenager turned the switch on, igniting the room with various tones of blues painted upon the walls and ceiling. It gave the room such a nostalgic ocean effect. These calming shades of blue… Where the paperweight was place… Was it because of this? To have such a pleasant atmosphere…?

"A blank ceiling…," Takeru uttered. "…Is only beautiful if it has character. When it's different and unique from the rest, it's more alive, don't you think…?"

"Yeah…," Ken replied as he leaned his head upon his back tenderly. "That's what makes us alive, isn't it? Because we're different."

"Because we're different…," The golden haired boy echoed as his eyes were lost to the deep blues covering his walls. "I suppose that's true."

"Ne, Takeru…?" The fallen angel murmured softly.

"Hmm…?"

"Is that what you like about me? Because I'm different now?" he asked innocently.

Gazing at him at the corner of his eye, Takeru gave him a reassuring smile with those soft sapphire gems. Turning around to face the other boy, he extended his hand out Ken and stroked his cheek gently. Looking at the Bearer of Hope with a stunned expression at first, that warm touch of his angel certainly answered him. "It doesn't matter how much you change because you will always be the Ken that lives in my memory. You can never change that… We are different people from before but still you're still that gentle person and I'm always wishing…"

"Wishing for what?" he wondered.

"Wishing that one day that I can finally enjoy my life…"

Ken held his breath once he uttered those words. Somehow, the pain that was apparent to the pallid angel bleed into him. It made his stomach feel twisted in all ends and his throat dry and tense. Is this the pain he feels? Why does he suddenly feel it too? To enjoy life… Maybe because he can sympathize… For it's the same thing he desires as well. Perhaps that's why it hurts so much.

"Takeru…"

"Yeah…?"

"I want the same thing. Maybe that's why I'm here with you… Because I want to enjoy my life and be happy with you…"

"Ken…"

"That's why I want to be with you. It's not only because of your actions, but also your presence that I hold dear to me."

"My presence, huh?"

"Because you're here with me, I feel more than I could from others. This is what I feel about you." 

"I think that applies to me as well. I act different when I'm around you for some sort of reason and I think that's the reason…"

"Takeru…"

Cupping the other boy's face carefully, the blond teenage boy leaned over and let their lips meet. That same warm sensation from before danced in his mind as everything around seemed to suddenly disappear. As Takeru pulled away, he gently placed his hands upon Ken's shoulders. "When I'm around you, I feel alive… When I'm with you, I don't feel lonely… When I touch you, I feel no pain… This is what I feel about you, Ken…"

The raven haired boy breathed as he and the other boy fell softly backwards onto the cushioned bed. Their lips melted together once again, more passionately this time. Slipping his fingers through the fallen angel's silky-smooth, ebony hair, Takeru gently combed it back as he slide his tongue to his opposite's mouth. Moaning, Ken followed the pallid angel's action. Their tongues intertwined and played as the golden haired boy's hands flowed upon his back ever so smoothly.

As Ken's saliva crept out of mouth, the Bearer of Hope pulled away and licked it away. Kissing the side of his neck, Takeru held his fallen angel close to his body harder. The other boy's fingers clinched tightly as he felt the other boy's tongue cooling his skin. That fact he had a fever slipped his mind at the moment. Just to feel Takeru touching him like this… To have that burning, pulsating feeling through his body… To feel that with his angel… He didn't want to escape it. He gave him what he wanted to feel and his heart ached for more and more as he continued. 

Takeru pulled away for a moment of air and gazed upon the gorgeous physique of his other under him. He swallowed as he managed to utter, "Sorry… I shouldn't have…"

Those words surprised the Bearer of Kindness as of the moment. Then again, Takeru did veer away from going on earlier today because he wasn't himself. But, was that the true reason behind his words or did he really meant something else? Still, the raven haired boy did not comprehend why the other boy seemed so aggressive to hold onto him. It appeared that the pallid angel cared for him and yet he keeps pulling away every time they get closer. Was it that? The gentle touch of his lips upon his… The way his hands searching his body… Why, why doesn't it feel real somehow? This relationship of theirs… What was it based upon? Was it just triggered by a rush of emotions or hormones?

They had only been together for a day. Has it really been that long since they have been together? It felt like forever. Maybe because they knew each other for so long…  Knowing each other… Did they really? As far as he knew, he knew little about the blond teenagers likes and dislikes and vice versa. How did they turn out this way? For this question, he could not answer. Maybe he was using Takeru after all in order to cope with problems. Or was it the other way around? As far as he knew, he only came to Takeru to talk. Sure he wanted his company and such, but he didn't imagine it to go this far. It was that mysterious pallid angel who kissed him the other day without question. Did the Bearer of Hope loved him or was confused and lost as much as he is? That blue-eyed bishounen's actions were so complex and unexplainable. Who is he without his mask? The two-sided Takeru… What an interesting enigma he is.

"Do you love me, Takeru?" the Bearer of Kindness asked abruptly.

"Yeah, I do. I did say it, didn't I?" he answered with a confused look upon his face.

"I know you did, but I'm not sure you know what you're getting into." Looking away, Ken gripped onto the sheets tightly. Frustrated, he didn't know how to tell him what he was currently thinking. Taking in a short breath, he became fearful about what was next.

"What do you mean?"

"I feel like the Takeru I'm with is the other one…," he shuttered.

"Ken…" The Bearer of Hope whispered gently.

"I really don't know anything about you, now that I think about…," Ken said immediately. This doubt between them suddenly made felt a cold chill done his spine. Unaware about where this conversation would lead to, he leaned in more to give his undivided attention.

"Well, we hadn't talked in a long time."

"That's the thing. We hadn't talk. No… We hadn't talked directly to each other until yesterday. In that one day, you listen to me, my every word. I know you did give me advice I needed, but that's not what all you did. You held me, touched me, kissed me…"

"You know why I did that…," Takeru uttered.

"Do I? I don't know why you've been so affectionate to me since then," the raven haired boy noted. "Why are you like this? Why do you touch me the way you do…? Why are you with me? Why do you help me? Why do you want me so badly? I just don't know what's becoming of us. Maybe I'm lying to myself… Maybe I want to believe that this is love… Please could you tell me, Takeru?"

"Why I've been like this…?" he laughed uneasily. Brushing his bangs back with his hand, his face seemed to be filled with anguish. Sighing, he replied, "Actually I have always been like this."

"What do you mean?"

"Do you really want to know why?"

Nodding in response, Ken placed his hand over the other boy's and gripped it tightly. With a gentle smile, that beautiful cheerful gaze somewhat relieved the pallid angel. "I'm willing to hear you out, Takeru."

"If that's what you want…," he said hesitantly. "I'll tell you then. The way I'm affectionate to you is kinda like how I'm with other people, if you know I mean."

"Other people?" The Bearer of Kindness was confused about where he was getting it. He felt it in his nerves what he was referring to, perhaps he didn't want to believe it. Still, he wanted to make sure.

"Yeah, other people… Sleeping around, y'know," Takeru said straightforward.

He answered the fallen angel's instinct indefinitely. For some sort of reason, he hurt him to hear the blond teenager boy say such a thing. Maybe because he told no one about it… No, because he told him now. To hide such a thing... Why…? Why did he continue to hide away? Realizing this, maybe the Takeru he knew was all a dream.

"You mean…," Ken murmured.

"Yeah, that's what I mean," he confirmed. "Just one of the traits of borderline depression."

"Borderline depression…"

"That's what my condition is called."

"I see…"

"So… now you know." There was thick silence between them. It was nerve-wrecking to sit in the dark with such an uneasy atmosphere. Unexpectedly, Takeru chuckled. "Not even Ni-san knows much about this." Clearly his throat, he reverted back to that solemn persona. Always covering his face away from everyone… He has the tendency to do that when he feels uncomfortable and agitated, it seems.

"That's why some of your actions seem unexplainable and elusive," the raven haired boy responded.

"Yeah, if you want to called them that… I suppose…"

Veering his face away from the fallen angel, Takeru shifted his vision towards the wall. It was difficult for him to tell the other boy this type of information. After all, it's very personal. But seeing that Ken was attempting to abide to his birthday wish, it was hard not refuse to tell him. The Bearer of Kindness knew about his promise to himself. To aid him such a way… Is this the path to finding yourself?

"When did you started…doing this…?" The raven haired boy managed to say.

"Since Miki's death…," he found himself replying automatically. "Ever since then…"

"Are you still…?"

"No… I'm not," Takeru reassured. "But I'm afraid I may return to it if I get hurt."

"You're as sensitive as me…," the Bearer of Kindness reflected.

"Hmm?"

"When I get hurt, I do stupid things too… Like running away and such…"

Clinching tightly onto the sheets, the Bearer of Hope felt a slight tremble from the other boy. Apparently, that incident still ate him away for he hurt his parents' feelings greatly. Returning his attention to the fallen angel, he stared into his amethyst eyes. They were filled with regret.

Trying to calm the raven haired angel, Takeru uttered, "Yeah, like that… I ran away too… Not exactly what you did, but something like that…"

"I know what you mean…," Ken complied as he nodded to himself.

Looking at his alarm clock next to his bed, the golden haired teenager noticed that it was getting late. Carefully, he helped his fallen angel back into bed. As he tucked him in, he muttered, "You better get back to sleep. Sorry for intruding."

"You don't need to apologize, Takeru," he noted with such innocent eyes. "This is your room after all."

With a light chuckle, a soft smile gleamed upon his handsome complexion. "That's true." Rising to his feet, the pallid angel paced towards the room. Ken's lucid violet eyes followed his movement. Reluctant as first, a part of him didn't want him to leave. Gathering his courage, he managed to retort, "Ne, Takeru…?"

"Yeah, what is it?" The other boy replied as he stopped in his tracks as he eyed the fallen angel.

"Could you sleep with me…?" he asked abruptly. Looking away after a rush of embarrassment filled his system, Ken blushed as he quickly tried to elaborate. "I mean, the literal kind not the—"

Suddenly, the Bearer of Kindness felt Takeru's finger placed over his lips. He didn't even notice the other boy had even moved, let alone was facing him. The pallid angel beamed as he replied, "Yeah, I know what you meant. Just get to sleep… And I'll be right beside you."

****

The sunlight burst into the room, bathing the two angels in warm amber light. The sparrows from outside sung a harmonious melody, waking the golden haired teenager. Groaning as he rubbed his eyes, his sat up as smiled in the direction of the sunlight. Yesterday's rain had finally died out. All for the better… Funny how their emotions seemed to reflect the sky. Perhaps Heaven weeps when they suffer and beams the warm rays of light to smile. Is it Heaven's wish for them to be together? Perhaps it was meant this way.

Glancing to his side was that beautiful angel who had stop falling into darkness at last. Placing his hand upon Ken's forehead and his other on his own, he checked his body temperature. Cool… The raven haired boy's fever seemed to vanish along with the rain. Smiling, Takeru felt as if a great weight had been lifted. 

Wrapping his arm over his love, the pallid angel brushed his lips across his forehead ever so tenderly. As he rested his head over the other boy's, he gazed at raven haired boy's complexion. Like a child exhausted after play, Ken slept in his arms. _I want to protect you… Forever… So I don't lose this feeling…_

As he was lost in thought, the bedroom door opened unexpectedly. There was the doorway was Takeru's mother with shocked eyes. She couldn't find herself yelling at her son at this monstrosity. All she could hear herself was, "What have you done…?"

Quietly, he escorted his mother outside his room and into the hallway. Rubbing his head, Takeru sighed restlessly. He had expected this to happen, but he didn't know it would this soon. How could he explain to his mother about his situation? How could he tell her sincerely? If only he could find the words, but that's impossible now. After seeing that, she wouldn't want to believe that had occurred.

"Takeru, what was that just now?"

"What about it?" he replied in a mellow tone.

"Did you really… Did you really sleep with Ken Ichijouji?"

"Yeah, so what about it…?"

"What about it? What about it?!" Ms. Takaishi was outraged by his son's attitude. It surely made her blood boil along with entering that scene. "How can you say that so calmly? Don't you know what you did? You slept with a boy, not only that, but one of your closest friends!"

"I know that I did."

"How long are you going to keep this up? How long will you continue sleeping around?"

The question shot at him hard. No one knew about that except his mother. No one else, not even Yamato knew about that fact. Ms. Takaishi was ashamed about it and dare not speak about it ever. But after what she saw, she had to bring it up. It hurt him, but not as much as that fact that his mother was using his past against him. What was she hoped to prove? That he was wrong…? There is not right and wrong, only strong beliefs.

"Okaa-san… For your information, I slept with Ichijouji-kun… I didn't had sex with him."

"Then why was he practically naked?"

"Actually he is," Takeru stated. "But only because he got all wet and sick from the rain."

"Is that it?"

"What's up with you attacking me like this? I didn't do anything wrong!"

"Did you?"

"Okaa-san, you're not listening to me!"

"Stop talking back to me. Listen to yourself…!"

"No, you listen, 'Kaa-san…! All my life, I've been following the path that you made for me without saying anything. All your plans and dreams were in me, but I never told you what I wanted… What I dream about… I'm tired of holding everything in so you can be happy and carefree. As much as wish for your happiness, I don't want to live my life hidden forever."

"Takeru, just please understand where I'm coming from. The world is hard and cruel. I want you succeed!"

"I want to succeed too, but not under your shadow, Okaa-san. I want to live my life… Make my choices… I don't want to be a puppet acting upon your wishes. I want to be alive, Okaa-san. How can I survive this world if you don't let me grow? Birds have to fly one day and start anew. So when are you planning to free me, Okaa-san?"

"Takeru… I--"

"Please let me choose my life. Let me live. That's all I ask. This is what I feel and now you know after so long."

**END OF CHAPTER 12**

**Author's Notes:**

Okay, I changed the ending for this one because I have something interesting planned out chapter 13. For those of you who reading the original chapter 12, you really can tell the difference. One thing for sure, Takeru and Ken literally slept with each other not the other kind like the first. ^^; Since the relationship seemed rushed in the original, in this version, I wrote the ending to Takeru still a bit distant yet somewhat accomplishing his wish to be more open in order to reveal his true self. Also, I wrote the ending to have Natsuki, Takeru's mom unable to believe and trust her son anymore, which is pretty natural after what Takeru did in his past. The original version seemed less reasonable since that's such a normal reaction from anyone and doesn't reveal much about Takeru and his mother's relationship at home.

Most of the original dialogue between Takeru and his mom remained the same, especially the one which I wrote based on my own life experience. I believe by writing Takeru based on me that it helped develop the anger he feels when he follows everyone instead of deciding with his will – which his actual personality is similar to.

Well I hope those of read the original find this more reasonable to follow. Those who didn't, I hope you enjoyed it for that matter. J Anyhoo, watch out for chapter 13 in the couple of weeks! Now go on and review, please! ^o^


	15. Memory 13: Drifting Away

**[Heaven's Wish]**  
_Memory 13 – Drifting Away_  
_revised __August 08, 2003_

_Their voices…_  
_I can hear them clearly._  
_Just behind that wall…_   
_They're arguing._   
_I shouldn't have come._   
_I knew I would just cause trouble._  
_Maybe I was better off…_  
_If I didn't had feelings for him…_  
_If I didn't know he existed._   
  
__

Ken curled deeply into bed as the voices outside the room grew louder and louder. Covering his ears, he grinded his teeth, wishing they will cease their verbal fighting. But a wish like that to occur in this tense atmosphere was impossible. After all, this was a touchy subject that Ms. Takaishi had to bring up. Even after Takeru admitted to the raven haired boy about this, he himself did not have this fiery fury about the pallid angel sleeping around. Sure he was hurt, but his soul did not burn the same anger as his mother. Was Takeru's relationship with his mother much worse than his own?

It was possible that may be the case. Ms. Takaishi hadn't always been there for her son as far as he knew or what he was told, for that matter. Even when they were young, it seemed like the Bearer of Hope had very little communication between her since she was working for a private Japanese newspaper publication company. Was it because of her job that he acted happy-go-lucky to cover up his pain? If that's the case, was he acting that way since elementary school? The idea seemed convincing, but Ken didn't want to assume such an idea. He was in no place to.

Suddenly the voices stopped and the silence brewed the atmosphere with melancholy. It certainly drove the raven haired boy to become severely nervous and uncertain of the status between the two. Quickly, Ken pulled out a couple of Takeru's clothes and put them on, for he still didn't know what the pallid angel did with his. As he reached the doorknob, the raven haired boy listened as he heard Ms. Takaishi said, "Is that was you want? To throw away your future?"

Opening a slight crack, the Bearer of Kindness peered outside, viewing the back of Takeru with his fists clenched tightly.

"That's not what I meant, Okaa-san," Takeru stated. His voice sounded hard and struggling. It was like he was holding back. Perhaps he just wanted to scream at the top of his lungs to get his mother's attention for once. Why does he allow himself to endure when he should stop heightening the bars that barricade him? Who is he protecting if he acts that way? At the time, all seemed futile.

"Then what?"

"I want a future, my own future. Not yours, not anyone else. I'm tired trying to become like you! I don't want to live your life. I hate it! Got it?" he snapped back unconsciously.

The tone of his voice and the words he used made his mother frustrated. This sudden changing attitude was unlike her usual obedient son. What became of him? When did he decide not to hear her anymore? When did he isolate his thoughts away from hers? When did it all happen? What happened to them?

Unexpectedly, his mother began to weep. Her warm tears flowed down her soft face as she tried to reason with Takeru carefully. No matter what she did, it seemed like her dear son enclosed himself within a barrier that no one could touch. "Do you really hate what I do for you?" she asked in a partial distorted voice. "Do you really desire not to have my life?"

"Okaa-san, I didn't mean—"

His mother really made it difficult for him to admit what he wants. Whatever gets said, she takes it the wrong way and turns it all against him. It's like she wanted to blame him for all the trouble he caused and the problems they had to go through. But it's not his fault... Not entirely. Why can't she see that? Why she can't be that person he needed? Why can't she be there and agree for once? These questions... Will they ever be answered? Takeru just couldn't see a lighter side to this.

"Then stay out of my life," she uttered softly as she wiped her tears. "Don't be a part of it. Just leave… And tell me how hard life is without me there."

"Are you kicking me out?" Takeru asked hesitantly as a cold chill pierced his spine.

"That's exactly what I'm saying." Ms. Takaishi swallowed hard before she repeated herself once again. Telling him this was difficult for her and Takeru could clearly see this in her eyes. "Gather your things and leave here as soon as you can. Don't make me say it again."

Holding his breath, the pallid angel's deep sapphire eyes were shocked. Was she really serious? Was she really going to allow this? It was unlike her to. Then again, his mother must have given up on help him after what he said. Lowering his head, he replied coldly, "Fine then. I'll leave."

"Takeru…!"

"What are you surprised about? You told me to. It doesn't seem like I have a choice in the matter. Besides, it's better this way," he uttered as he gave her the cold shoulder.

With those final words said, the Bearer of Hope drifted away from his mother and headed back into his room. The fallen angel jerked away from the door before Takeru opened it completely. Seeing Ken in his clothes for a moment, he quickly glanced away as his bangs shadowed his ocean blue eyes into darkness. As the blond teenager closed the door behind him, Takeru immediately walked towards the corner of the room. Clenching his chest tightly, the raven haired boy wanted to say something to soothe the other boy. With this thick, tense atmosphere, the words didn't come. He just stood there as Takeru sat on the edge of his bed and stared at the floor aimlessly.

Seeing the pallid angel like this really hurt him. Those saddened eyes and emotionless complexion were all too familiar to him. The same look he had when he fought against Takeru face to face a long time ago. The Takeru that wanted to hurt someone because something made him suffer.

Ken really wants to do something for him, to relieve him somehow. He felt that it wasn't his place to do so. After all, the only reason the conflict occurred because of him being here or so he thought. Believing it was his fault would help Takeru at all. He knew that, but he couldn't help himself from feeling guilty.

Breaking the dead silence, Takeru said, "Ken… You should get going."

The way he said those words was so flat. All the lively energy flowing through the pallid angel seemed to have disappeared all at once. Ken realized that leaving is the last thing that he should right now. Who knows what Takeru would do during his absence?

Shaking his head to object, the Bearer of Kindness replied, "No… I'm staying…"

The fallen angel extended his hands to the other boy as he wrapped his arms over his shoulders tenderly. As the blond haired teenager raised his head to gaze at him, he found himself lost to a gentle kiss. The warm affectionate touch of the other boy made his soul calm and free. Why this ebony dream so powerful to change his mood? It was certainly mysterious to him.

"Ken…?" he heard Takeru uttered as his cerulean eyes met with his.

"Yeah…?"

"Are you trying to cheer me up?" the pallid angel asked suspiciously in a mellow tone.

"Yeah. Is it working?" Ken asked innocently.

"Apparently, you achieved that..."

"It seemed like the only way to calm your mind…" Ken murmured as he released his arms. Sitting himself beside his pallid angel, the raven haired boy leaned against him ever so softly. As he let his fingers grip his sleeve, Takeru grasped his other boy's hand within his own. "So what now…?"

"I really don't know. I have the whole day to figure things out and what to do. I guess I could ask Ni-san if I could crash at his place."

"Are you really going to go through this...? You know, moving out and all?"

"Yeah, I guess I am."

"Are you really serious?"

"You heard my mother, right?"

"But does that really make a difference? Is it really what you want?"

"What I want never occurs to her… anymore…"

"Takeru-kun…"

"You know, you should really leave. Your mother would get worry."

"But…! I shouldn't leave you like this! What about…!"

Placing his finger over the fallen angel's lips so he would not continue, the blond teenager gazed at him calmly and beamed. Surprised at first, Ken couldn't help but wonder what his opposite was truly feeling deep inside. The raven haired boy gently lowered the other boy's hand and grasped it tenderly within his own. Glancing from their grouped hands and back to him, Takeru paused as his angel replied, "Is that what you want me to do? I would feel horrible if things would turn out right for you."

"Ken… It's nothing you should concern yourself with," Takeru muttered as he looked away forcefully.

"Is it really?" The fallen angel questioned emotionally. "You have no idea about the consequences. What you're about to do will hurt her also. It doesn't matter what she says or do. In the end, she will feel horrible and blame herself… After all, that's how my mother felt when I decided to just disappear. It isn't the greatest feeling to inflict on someone, especially if they're family."

"Do you really expect me to talk my way through? To work things out…? What a joke…Not everyone's life is as perfect as yours, Ichijouji!" he snapped unconsciously.

Suddenly, he felt his opposite's hand smacked against his cheek with such effort. The burning, stingy pain bleed through his skin and nerves as Takeru could feel that horrible sensation. It pulsated in him and wouldn't dissipate anytime soon. Raising his fingers to his cheek, his sapphire eyes widen in response. It was no dream. He could certainly feel the piercing shot terribly.

As he eyed Ken with such frozen eyes, he noticed the dark haired boy's hand trembled. The Bearer of Kindness held his breath as he rose to his feet. He didn't know why what drove him to physically hurt the pallid angel. Those last words… They built a raging fire in his heart that influenced the tense fury of his blow. At the time, he felt like Takeru was like everyone else… Everyone else who prejudged him. Why…? Just because he said something unconsciously? For some sort of reason, he hated the pallid angel for uttering such a thing in his presence.

Takeru was well-aware about the situation. His other hand clenched the end of the bed tightly and he sensed the fallen angel backing away from him. Catching his breath, the Bearer of Hope heard the other boy apologized.

"Takeru… I didn't mean to… It's just that--"

"It's not your fault," the pallid angel interrupted unexpectedly. "You shouldn't be the one apologizing. I was the one provoked you. I should be the one saying 'I'm sorry'."

"Did you really mean it though?" Ken wondered suspiciously.

"Could you leave… please…?" Takeru asked as he avoided the other boy's question.

"Takeru-kun…?"

"I have some things I should be doing…," he stated as he stood up. "Your clothes are out on the balcony. They should be dry by now."

"But Takeru…!" Ken exclaimed as the pallid angel escorted him out of the room. It was incredible awkward to leave things the way they were and yet the golden haired teenager didn't seemed to mind. Perhaps Takeru did, but wishes not to speak about it anymore. Still, the raven haired Chosen felt troubled by the thought. He wanted to help, but it occurred to him that anything he does suggest doesn't seem to impact the other boy in any way. Is the Bearer of Hope really that stubborn, more than him?

As the pallid angel opened the door for Ken, the Bearer of Kindness forcefully pushed the door back into place, surprising the blond teenager. Takeru gripped the air as set it to his side. The raven haired boy turned around and gazed at his opposite with concern amethyst crystal eyes.

"Is it really okay like this? Is it right for you to run away from your problems? Can't you figure out a way to make amends with your mother? Don't you ever think about all of this?"

"Stop talking…"

The raven haired boy suddenly became silent by the emotionless request of the pallid angel. The Bearer of Hope approached the other boy, causing Ken to back against the door. His hands wandered against the wooden barrier behind him as a surge of nervousness pumped through his system. His heart beat rapidly as Takeru laid his hand under his chin. His violet eyes met his in an immense stare. A longing to touch his tender lips overwhelmed as he felt lost in the blue of the angel. That burning sensation coursed through his veins as he felt the blond teenage boy's fingers gripped tight. The Bearer of Kindness felt his body tremble in fear. It was strange to feeling such a mysterious karma from this angel. He never felt like this in his presence before. He didn't sense this yesterday as well. Who was this person holding his face so hard? Was it really Takeru?

Suddenly Ken felt his lips melted with the other boy's. The golden haired boy kissed him deeply. At the moment, the fallen angel felt as if he was being devoured by this lustful feeling. It was tremendously aggressive, causing the raven haired boy to loss all his senses. Takeru wrapped his arms around him and drew him close to his body firmly. As he did, the Bearer of Hope managed to open the door. The pallid angel took advantage of this moment and released the other boy outside of his room. Realizing this, Ken tried to stop him from closing the door on him. Immediately, the Bearer of Kindness tried to slip his hand within the remaining gap, but he was a few seconds too late. The door shut right before his face, leaving him staring at the plain white paint.

A blank expression glossed over his complexion as he was hesitant to leave the hallway. The sounds of footsteps approached him at a gradual pace. Slowly, he glared in the direction of the soft noise. There, looking back at him was Ms. Takaishi.

"Takaishi-san?"

"Don't bother him. Let him do whatever he wants."

"Aren't you going to stop him?" Ken immediately asked. She shook her head sadly in response. Shocked, the raven haired boy couldn't believe what type of family relationship he stumbled upon. He went through plenty of incidents that made him realize that there are ways to deal and live. Still, were there issues out there that could never be mended? Is this one of them?

"He doesn't want me to control his life."

"So that's it then? You're just going to give up on him?" Ken complied furiously as his fingers curled into a fist. An intense anger flowed through his heart and soul and he grinded his teeth. He didn't want to be rude but he wanted to say something about this. Taking in a deep breath, the former prodigy continued. "What kind of a parent are you if you're not going to advise him? The only reason he doesn't want to abide to your rules and all is because you keep commanding him around. You suppose to suggest many possibilities for him to choose instead of factoring it down to one thing. You're supposed to be his mother. Don't you ever wonder what he wants to be? Don't you ever wonder what he can accomplish on his own? There are enough social problems here in Japan already. I don't think that you need add to it. Don't you agree?"

"Ken-chan…," Ms. Takaishi uttered under her breath. She was surprised that the shy dark haired boy thoroughly held strongly to this belief, let alone told her directly. He certainly changed since the last time she met him. 

"Now if you excuse me…," the Bearer of Kindness remarked as he walked passed her. A sudden awkward silence grew between them after Ken's casual politeness. Strolling towards the direction of the balcony to gather his clothes, the older woman's eyes followed him before he disappeared from her sight.

"What he wants to be…?" she murmured as she stared at her son's bedroom door.

_"I want to succeed too, but not under your shadow, Okaa-san."_

The haunting voice of her son filled her mind. Was she wrong to drive him towards a dream she wished to live? Shaking her head, she tried to deny it. As she headed to her room, Ken paused as he heard her shut the door behind her. Creeping back into the hallway, the Bearer of Kindness just stared at the door at the end of the hallway. The fallen angel felt a burst of sorrow that chilled his soul. For some sort of reason, he seemed like a reflection of his own life. The way he used to treat his parents... The way he had always isolate himself... They were all too familiar to him that it was frightening. Now that Takeru is leaving, Ken couldn't help wondering if he too decides to just disappear off the face of the earth. Would the blond angel do something so foolish like he did before? What is he planning to accomplish on his own?

As he passed Takeru's room, the raven haired boy heard a knock from his door. Confused, Ken leaned his ear against the barrier between them. "Takeru...?"

There was no response. Glaring blankly at the door, the Bearer of Kindness placed his hand on the smooth panel. The only reply he received was the noises of packing from the other side. Ken walked away sadly as he headed to the bathroom to change his clothes. As he did, Takeru paused for a moment as he felt the fallen angel's presence drifting away. Glancing at the star-engraved orb at his night stand, the golden haired teenager sighed.

_Who am I when I'm with you...? Who are you to me? I want to believe that it's love between us... But I could be wrong. This could also be a lie... Another lie in my life... Nothing's seems to be real anymore..._

****

Quietly, Ken stepped out of the bathroom, dressed accordingly in his school uniform. His amethyst eyes wandered the floor and towards Ms. Takaishi's room. It was still closed shut. Turning around, the raven haired boy gazed at the plain, empty white door that leads into the solitude of Takeru's room. There was an open crack in the doorway that caught his eye. As he walked towards his dear angel's sanctuary, his heart pounded in a panic. Quickly, Ken swung the door open and saw the room left in a mess.

The clothes in the linen drawers were tossed and scattered across the floor. Any personal belongings were left behind. It appears that the Bearer of Hope only gathered anything he really needed at the time. A few clothes, money... Anything that he needed to get by under short notice... Ken's eyes searched his room furthermore, realizing Takeru left the present he gave to the pallid angel. His heart plunged into a crevice of darkness and depression.

Heading in the object's direction, the Bearer of Kindness saw a note weighted by the orb. Ken stared at it numbly as his violet eyes grew wide in shock. The characters read: "Don't follow me." It stuck to his mind instantly.

Suddenly, the raven haired boy loss all strength in his legs and collapsed to his knees. His senses were incredibly paralyzed as he uttered to himself, "The real Takeru disappeared... The real one who I wanted to understand... He's gone."

**END OF CHAPTER THIRTEEN**

**Author's Notes:**   
Anybody confused about Takeru's character more than I am? O.o I really made his life really complicated. Not only that he witnessed his best friend's death, went through rehab, have been diagnosed with borderline depression, slept around in the past, now he's kicked out and we have no idea where he is. Not even I know where he is! XD Well, I kinda do, but I won't tell until the next chapter. Review please!

**Extra Notes:**   
**[Ken Ichijouji Character Analysis]**   
Ken's character was difficult to work around. I always noticed he can manage to believe in others and less towards himself. In the anime, Ken noted that he's not like he used to be when it came to school and such. I used these ideas to shape Ken's attributes in this series as carefully as I could. I see Ken as a person struggles to be better as much as he can, but no one ever notices. His classmates see him as a non-changing person. Always perfect. Even though he earns lesser grades, Ken can still manage against them. Towards his classmates, he's always seen as an enemy unlike Takeru. No matter what he does, they always think the worse of him without understanding his life. He has issues of his own to overcome such as a short memory span and an inferiority complex. His views and other people's opinions towards himself are the reasons why Ken contemplated on committing suicide.

Also, Ken is very accepting to any comfort he can get, especially from his own age group. Since he is unable to receive the proper friendship at school, he receives it from Daisuke and Takeru. Daisuke gives him the brotherly-type relationship he lost while Takeru introduces to him deep affection. It's because of this Ken is able to open himself more towards Takeru since he's not entirely close to him as to Daisuke. When Ken begins to question and intrude Takeru's life, he slowly gains a feminine characteristic to learn more about him. By the first half of the series, Ken tries to be with Takeru the more he thinks about him. As a result, he notices the real Takeru. When Takeru left, Ken muttered, "The real Takeru disappeared..." The actions that Takeru did up until now were his own. When he decided to leave, it indicated the loss of Takeru's willpower to allow his true self live amongst others in society and thus Ken's statement.

**[Takeru Takaishi Character Analysis]**   
I purposely made Takeru uncertain about what his feelings mean versus his actions and past to reflect most teenagers of today. I really love writing Takeru as a passionate guy, always hoping and dreaming. Problem is that he had been doing that for so long that he wants to accomplish his dreams as soon as he can. His mother restricts him only to keep him on the right track. This reflects what occurred in his past. (Miki's death, rehab, etc.) Takeru really tries his best to make everyone happy, but forgets about himself entirely. 

When he finally realizes he needs to control his life in order live a truthful life, he is unsure how to begin because he is afraid of making mistakes. Ken told him that he should talk about what he feels in one of the previous chapters and thus, he finally tells his mother, which reflects the expectations everyone has towards him that were introduced in the beginning of the series. Takeru agreed to leave only because he wants to run away from these expectations instead of finding a way for others to not burden him with their wishes. It's because of this that he reverted back to closing his heart away and forgets what Ken feels, breaking his promise to listen to him and such.


End file.
